So There's This Guy...

"After awhile you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh." - Mr. Big

Have you noticed (aside from the fun quizes this week thanks to myspace.com - more on that later) that I've been trying to tell you what is going on in my life without really telling you what is going on in my life? Well, strange things are a front at the Circle K. I'm a little hesitant to talk about this because, see, I'm sort of superstitious about what will happen if I jump the gun and speak before I know just how real it is. I am afraid if I say anything here then something bad will happen.

It's sort of like when I was fifteen and I met this guy, Shawn, at the Franklin County fair. Slimy and I used to always meet boys in weird places. Anyway, Slimy and I spent the next seven days as a foursome. Paired up together like animals in the ark. Kevin & Slimy. Nat & Shawn. We spent the next seven days together, each night a new adventure. He was sort of becoming my boyfriend. And we all knew it. And then I had to go on vacation. I dreaded the vacation because I knew, somehow, that it would all be over. That he would forget about the last seven days and he would forget my name.

And he did.

Ever since then I have sort of become paralyzed with doubt and fear if you want to call it that when it comes to a budding relationship. It's sort of like counting your chickens before they hatch. It's the same thing that happened with Mr. Potential. I went away for Christmas and we never went back. So now, I am afraid to speak before I know that it's okay to do so.

This has been my year of learning about me.
This has been my year of letting go.
In more areas than just those that deal with the heart.

What I have learned about myself since December, is that I fall hard and I fall fast. I am usually drawn to toxic men. Men who are unavailable. Men who don't really get me. Men who have some restriction on giving themself fully to me. I think I do it on purpose to spare myself the eventual heartache. But it sure makes for a lot of drama along the way. Anyway...

I met someone in January I had no expectations of initially. The recent burn of Mr. Potential was still hot. Turned out I made a friend who made me laugh. I ended up falling for that friend who was completely honest with me from the first week about not wanting a relationship. For awhile I wasn't sure how I felt about him and then almost over night I realized I liked him. I asked him to define his feelings for me. I realized he was probably not sure if he knew how he felt. And then I thought I could hang on and things might change - maybe he'd feel something for me if I held on long enough, if I told him how I felt. I never waivered from that honesty. He never waivered from his own. I bowed out gracefully.

He didn't let me go.

He remained my friend. In doing so, I learned that I wanted him in my life - that I could be okay with that because I enjoyed his friendship enough to allow him to stay. We made it a couple days without talking. We made it a couple weeks without seeing each other. He asked me to lunch. Next day to happy hour. And I freaked out. I got my hopes up. I thought this was it - he'd turned the corner. Guess what? It wasn't. And then I crashed emotionally.

I knew I had to let it go - not just say I was going to, but really do it. I had to let it go. And so, for the very first time in my life, I did. I became content to see what may, but mostly what may not come. I happily accepted his friendship and the understanding that nothing else was attached. I was completely fine with that. I put him out of my head and enjoyed M-F/9-5. As his friend and only his friend I started being completely honest with him about things I had closed off from disclosing in the beginning. I recognized that this was a person who did everything on his own pace. I valued that. I stopped pushing. I let him ask me questions instead of me monopolizing the terms. I'm not sure exactly when it was, but I got back in the game somewhere between the time when I let it go and I realized that he's worth playing the game for. I realized that he has taught me something about myself that I never knew I was capable of...

Being content.

You know, I'm not sure where things stand and I'm not trying to predict the outcome. I am not scared to let this evolve. I just know that I'm happy, here and now. I'm learning more about myself than I ever expected to, I am thankful I met someone who is my friend first and foremost, who thinks I'm sexy and who, more than I realized, understands me.

And wouldn't you know it...I'm laughing.