Letting Go

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." -- Carrie Bradshaw

Well, I did it. I officially cut the chord with Mr. Penny. Yep, told him I was done and done last night. Ok, so maybe not so much in those terms, maybe in a nicer way that rid him from feeling any sort of guilt, but still...I did it. This time on my own terms instead of waiting around for his. And I'm not feeling sparky and I don't think there is a spring in my step, but I am sure I did the right thing. Even so, I don't feel better. I don't feel relieved. I just feel sad.

Knowing you need to take steps forward and taking those steps isn't exactly my idea of a good time. In fact, I've spent most of my life running from confrontation. Confrontation means closing a door and saying goodbye. And well, it's no secret that I have an extremely hard time with goodbyes.

I firmly believe that this problem with goodbyes stems from an entire lifetime spent in the arms or the company of other people. I am almost thirty years old and up until seven months ago, I had never been alone. Saying goodbye for me has always been like someone pulling the strings on my heart and turning on the well of tears in my eyes. Goodbye have always been one of the most real feelings I have. I cry every time, no matter after a simple visit or a goodbye for a lifetime.

Because of this weird issue with goodbyes, I have become a master at letting people hurt me time and time again - forgiving them - until I'm no longer capable of it. I have become great at sacrificing my needs for those of someone else. I have become skilled at excuses. I have, however, always been able to walk away after feeling slighted...but, only after way too long. And yet, I'm horrible at walking away and at letting go before it gets to that point. I feel somehow that I'm giving up.

But giving up on what?

Giving up on them? Giving up on me? Giving up on the idea that inately, people are good and they don't mean to hurt you? Giving up on the ideals that you spend your life building upon in the areas closest to your heart - friends you wanted to keep forever and a good man who makes you laugh but who just can't give you what you deserve.

This is my greatest fault.

Putting the feelings of everyone else before the feelings of my own. It is hard to learn that it's okay to put my own heart before that of someone else's. It's hard learning how to create my own reality instead of letting someone else dictate where it may or may not go. I'm trying to understand that it's okay to walk away before being crushed. I know these things, I'm moving towards these things but it's still not easy getting there. It's still hard to look past the end of the road and know that the journey won't hurt for long.

I still believe, undoubtadly, that the greatest gift in life besides that of love is in losing. When you are lucky enough to lose, no matter what the loss may be, your life really does become filled with mystery again.

And today, well, I guess I'm pretty lucky.