Always Changing Probably

I wanted to follow you

Down to your well-furnished cave

And to laugh at your art

I wanted to tell you the truth

But I’m always afraid

That you’ll be torn apart

Oh, say the word

And I’ll tell you you’re wrong

Oh, say the word

I’ve been waiting too long

But when you talk

There’s nothing to hear

I’m always changing

You’re too far or too near

I wanted to tell her the truth

But I’m always afraid it’s not in her heart

I wanted to say how I felt

But I’m always afraid

That she’ll stop when I start

Oh, say the word

When we’re there at her home

Oh, say the word’cause

I don’t want to be alone

But when she talks

She’s all that I hear

How can I help it

You are always too near

--Toad the Wet Sprocket

It's official. I am crazy.

I mean that in the nicest way. But yes, I think I might be certifiable. NB-C pointed out I am being a little whacko and I think she might just be right.

It's spring. My beloved spring. The time when you look out the window and see the sun and just smile...

Anna Nalick said it best..."winter just wasn't my season."

There is something about spring that makes me crazy. But this year, it's kind of taken crazy to a whole new level. And not in the good way. Right now, it seems I'm sort of caught up in it. Drowning in the realness of it. I'm back inside my head, where there is lots of noise and no one is talking but me.

See. Crazy.

The story goes like this:

Last year spring bloomed and I was newly free - caught up in a oblivious - yet blissful - whirlwind from my Waiting to Exhale - it is trash - fleeing from the husband formerly known as mine. I was reborn into the world. I was free. I was happy for the first time in years. I was content to be alone and to absorb energy from everyone. It was great.

This spring came with a tinge of sadness. For the first time in 12 months I realized I was alone. Alone and feeling sorry for myself. And where being alone was so satisfying for all those months before, somehow, as the trees bloomed and as the days extended into night, I realized my solitude. All of a sudden, that apartment I spent so much time in - gratefully - throughout the winter has become a prison.

It's the great irony.

And yes, I am freaking out about turning 30. Me, the baby of the bunch. The suddenly single-in-the-city girl. The one who has all of a sudden heard that biological clock ticking loud and clear. And the one who has suddenly lost that numbness of never wanting to be married again. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.

So my girls came to the rescue yesterday. (Thank you) As they always do. They always know - and it was even in Vee's horoscope.

And so, to quote another great line from one of my favorite movies (I'm all about the quotes today):

"YOU MUST CHILL! YOU MUST CHILL!"

So I think I'm just gonna chill for awhile, be one with spring and try to come up with my own fun. I need a hobby. An inexpensive hobby. Perhaps that should be the little voice that goes "Get your ass back to the gym since you are paying for it anyway."

Oh, by the way, NB-C has convinced me to not go back to the world of online dating...

just yet.