Just A Little Update

So you know, I haven't like sliced my wrists or taken on that weird self mutilation thing this week. I haven't even had a cocktail, or a smoke for that matter. I think I might be doing a weeeeeeee bit better, in fact.

Misery loves company, and NB-C and I make a fine pair, so we've been raging our own little battle against the world this week and I believe it has been a great source of therapy, yes indeed. You got a problem? We'll hash it out and we'll tell you why it is you are stupid and how we would do it different. You got an issue with your boss? We'll laugh at their misery and stupidness. We'll probably burn in hell for that too...bygones. You wanna rain on our fuckoffyoustupidselfishbastard parade and we'll tell you where to go and how to get there.

It's been awesome.

Theraputic.

Plus, I think I've (FINALLY) decided to make the Northern VA/DC move. I'm about 90% sure, and a 25-minute talk with a potential employer in said region this week might have solidified my thinking. I'll keep you posted on that, although, I'm not sure it's a good idea to make life altering decisions in my current state of malaise. I'm also about to post something that is probably not a good idea, but who cares. Nothing I do is ever much of a good-in-hindsight-idea. But it's a work of sheer genius and really shouldn't be left to rot in the Microsoft Word cyberworld.

Stay tuned.

PS: SEDW it was great seeing you and the boy (and you too you super sassy, Sally Jo) on Monday & Tuesday. Thanks for listening, and thanks for grounding me...I haven't shed a tear since...I think I needed to acknowledge (admit?) exactly what it was I felt. Thanks for always understanding me, and for believing in the (im)possible with the same starry eyes as me. I love you !!!

Melancholy & The Infinite Sadness

I'm in a funk.

Not one of those "Nat's totally lost it, again" kind of funks, but the kind where an inexplicable sadness has fallen over me. I just feel sad, like I've lost my way. The kind of melancholy where I want to change everything. Where I can't run from the sadness because I know it will follow, but where I want to pack up everything and head for somewhere new. Somewhere totally illogical like a small New England town, where I could just get lost in the obscurity. It's a good thing my hair chick is on maternity leave, cause I'd probably cut my hair off and dye it purple if she weren't. It's the kind of sadness you feel for no real reason, or maybe there is a reason, it's just that it is beyond my control. It is the kind where at any point in the day tears will come to my eyes, big ones. The aligator tears. Where a knot wells up in the pit of my stomach and hurts. It's the kind of sadness where you have deja vu in the Atlanta airport, because it's Sunday, and you remember all the trips that have come to an end over the last couple months - how you've found yourself in that airport, once again, on another Sunday, like a lost soul always waiting to come home.

NB-C and I were commenting last Wednesday how this has been such a weird year so far. How it's been full of ups and downs. Highs and lows. Excitement and devastation. When it's been good, it's been great. We've had a lot to be thankful for - a lot that's gone in our favor. But when it's turned around it's been like a stab through the heart. More than we can bear. The age old irony of the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Life's gentle reminders of just how close we come to attaining the things we want most in life, almost like being taunted and teased with them, being so close before they are all too quickly pulled from our grasp.


Just close enough to make you need it...

Just close enough to make you want it more than you ever thought you would...

Just close enough to believe...

Just close enough to make it hurt like hell...

Just close enough to make you fall...


Hard.

Wherever You Go, There You Are

Spinning.

I feel like I am spinning.

My head, my heart, my whole body seems to be moving right now and my mind, perhaps that is what is spinning most of all.

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I returned last night to Lexington after my literal world tour. I have had to continually remind myself that today is Tuesday, that it's the 20th of March, and that I'm in Lexington, Kentucky. I have never quite had the sensation I have today - of this time and day warp that I've been in - for the past twelve days.

My body hates me. It's still swaying with the ebb and flow of the water, so much so that it is hard to type, walk, or focus on any one object for long. It's making me ill. I'm so tired that I can barely think, or keep my eyes from crying, or concentrate on any task for very long. My clothes are tight from too many days of over indulgence, thousands of calories wasted on food and drink. My liver is pissed and has no desire to consume alcohol for quite awhile. My lungs are sore, my cough will not go away, and I have now officially only had one cigarette since last Wednesday night.

I am a weary traveller. I am worn down. I am worn out. I want to process the events of the last 12 days. I want to ponder the places, the people, and the events from each adventure. I want to finally take time to think about Paris, instead of being forced to quickly move away from its grasp. I want my day to have it's routine back. I want to see my dog. I want to be in my bed. I Want. To. Just. Be.

Be away from every place I've been.

I want to be home.

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I am grateful for my good fortune to be such a traveller, but I am reminded today of just what a toll it can take on you. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. The toll has indeed been taken. And yet, I will have to turn around and go back out on another journey in only 3 short days. Back to Ft. Lauderdale. Where I spent four hours yesterday waiting to come home. This trip, a wedding. Wedding of my oldest friend and the closest to a brother I have, Kevin. It will be interesting to see how my wedding anxiety disorder (WAD) and my weary traveller syndrome mix with one another. I'll probably sprout horns and turn into the devil. That is, if I haven't already.

I sure hope the motion sickness stops by then.

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I'll update you on the recent misadventures of the big pimp Natty later...

...When everything stops spinning.

Hey You

Today's horoscope: Be careful of advertising yourself as someone who is so strong and mentally competent that you are capable of handling everything, dear Sagittarius. Take note that the strongest mule on the trail usually ends up carrying the most weight. Your emotions are more sensitive than you may think, and certainly more sensitive than you demonstrate to others. Be honest about the way you feel, and not just the way you think.

You called about an hour ago saying you have arrived and I'm stuck in a sweltering office with nothing to do and no way to leave. Is it possible we are only minutes apart, we are 5,999 of the 6,000 miles, and yet I still can't see your face? As my Parisian friends would say "this is a probleme."

Indeed. Times wasting right in front of us and I'm trapped and powerless to do anything about it...story of my life, right? Patience. I must have patience. But its hard to have that when your eyes and all that is behind them are just around the corner...

Thank you for coming to Paris today, I hope we share much laughter and many memories until the time comes to say goodbye again...And if by chance I happen to forget to tell you when that dreaded time comes, I already miss you my friend.

Right at this moment, I think, more than ever.

Until Then...

So. I've been a kinda crappy Blogger these days.

Sue me.

I'm off to one of my most favorite cities, and X officially now marks the spot on what is sure to be a whirlwind I like to refer to as the rest of March.

Paris.
Atlanta. (Let's hope we'll see the beloved Paolo Nutini there to make that city worthwhile)
Key West.
Cozumel.
Ft. Lauderdale.

Seems logical to think that when I return spring should be rearing it's beautiful head, sandals should be the safe choice, and that pretty toes! are officially a new sporting event in this girls life. I wish I could take all your poor suckers on this trip, but alas. I can only bring along two for the ride. And this time, I choose the fabulous brown eyed Belgian to accompany me in Paris. And the fabulous Ms. Vee to accompany me to Key West & Cozumel. Yay.

I'm going to be so bored come April. I know. Poor Me. Boo Hoo.

Kidding.

Anywhooooo, I shall find some time to update you on my (mis)adventures once on the road. Pray I don't have to go to any Parisian police stations in the same car as the villian on this trip (been there, done that). Pray I don't get thrown overboard, sea sick, or overwhelmed by the desire to talk like a pirate and yell "Ahoy Matey!" at every chance I get...

So next time, from the road...

Cheers, friends.

Yeah, It Really Freaking Sucks.

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