The Big No-No

So I've done it. I've questioned it for awhile, but I realized late last week what I had been trying to figure out for a few weeks -- an epiphany if you will.

I like Mr. Penny.

There, I said it.

And I'm going to get screwed over this. I'm going to get hurt and I'm going to get heart broken. I'm going to feel more for him and he is going to disappoint me. I am going to want more and he's going to be content with the way things are. I am going to continue to make excuses for his sometimes thoughtless behavior and he is going to continue to think of everything but me.

And then he will do something that will make me forget all that. He'll make me laugh so hard I spit out my beverage and I won't care. He'll recall something that only he and I know how the story goes and it will make me feel a part of something bigger than myself. He'll acknowledge his thoughtlessness and it will be okay. He will make an effort because he doesn't want to disappoint me again, and I will know that he is trying. He will step out of his comfort zone and make amends and I will be glad.

The relationship with Mr. Penny is what it is, and it is what it isn't.

I've had conversations with pretty much everyone on the ever changing cycle of Mr. Penny. I've also consulted re-runs of my second-in-line-goto-girls, Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte & Samantha

. . . and the jury is out. Half weighs in the favor of seeing where this goes and the other half says I should put a stop to it here and now. As for me, a quarter of me tells myself that I make too many excuses for him. Another quarter of me says I should protect myself from getting hurt. The other half of me knows him like the back of my hand, likes the challenge, likes the ride, likes having him in the background but not tied down, likes trying to figure out what's around the next curve.

That's the half that has won. For now.

In reality, this is a perfect situation for me. I have to admit, I like the drama of it. I like having something to chew on, you know? I realized a couple of years ago that it was precisely the time when life became a routine that I began to feel like I was dying. In theory, I like the ebb and flow of the tide. I kind of crave it. In reality, I like each day to never be the same, I like it when every day is everything but what I expect. I think I heard it best when Clementine said to Joel in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, "I will get bored with you, I will feel trapped because that is what I do."

For anyone who hasn't already figured me out, that is what I do.

Thus being said, no one, including me, wants me to get hurt. I will not pretend to have the upper hand here or think that I am fooling myself. I am a die hard romantic and yet I make concessions. I like Mr. Penny. I can't deny my feelings and I shouldn't question them. It may be stupid to let him stick around. It may do me no good in the end.

Then again, isn't this this what we all must come to? Don't we all have to take a reasonable chance and be willing to lose in order to really live? In order to really learn?

It's a fine line, an even greater balance. This thing with Mr. Penny is unlike any relationship I've ever had before. It is a friendship first and foremost. There is something familiar about him. Something that is just easy between us. Perhaps that is what is both frustrating and wonderful. The ease of being with each other but not really being together. Most days he makes me laugh. Some days he hurts my feelings because he isn't living up to my expectations. Up until last weekend, I didn't know I had any expectations.

But I do.

I will not lose sight of myself - I vow, here and now to make only certain allowances. I vow not to compromise on what I hold most dear. This is something I have to arrive to by myself. It is something that only I can figure out.

And eventually, I will.

For now, I will look forward to that first IM in the morning. I will appreciate that he is a tight ass with money. I will laugh when I think about "good vs. bad drinks" and whether or not I have them. I will smile when I realize he's figured something out about me or when he makes fun of my red shoes. I will hold on to the way he's adapted to my way of saying "sal-mon" or how he always makes me take a bite just to see the look of disgust on my face each time he has it. Bleck. I will sigh when I call to mind what the words sound like when he calls me "babe." I will relish in the fact that he is someone who likes to learn, and who isn't afraid to become better. I will thank him for listening to me when I say that I'm not being treated the way I expect to be--and for taking steps forward. I will be happy not living in the future, just in the here and now.

Mostly, I will laugh with him, and be his friend.

For right now, that is enough.