Number 98

As I near my soon to be 100 post mark, Kate made me think long and hard today - so I have to take some time to reflect on why it is I started this blog way back in January. I can’t believe I’ve actually had that much to say – but I have – and what’s more – is that I still do.

NB-C used to say she was going to start a blog -- and me, usually being tardy into the latest and greatest, had no idea what that meant. She kind of threw around the idea about starting a meme about the adventures of her newly single friend. We giggled and we laughed and discussed how we should make t-shirts about dating me. It simply would be a forum to discuss, analyze, and hopefully provide insight into the new chapter of a suddenly-single friend and her dating adventures.

It all started so innocently.

And so it began, and it was fun and it looked like something I might want to do to, only I didn’t really have any idea what I would talk about or really what it would become. And it was pretty slow going at first. But it became something of a novelty. And then it became an outlet. What I can see now is that this blog has become a part of me…in the simplest terms, in the most convienent definitions (thank you Breakfast Club), my blog is, well…it’s just me.

When it started, I didn’t know I would put my whole self out there. But true to form, I did. For you loyal readers, and those of you I call my friend, you know that my whole self is indeed out there.

So here I am.

Raw. Exposed. Dramatic. Indecisive. Sensitive. Sad. Happy. Confused. Lonely. Full. Content. Discontent. Trusting.

Me.

I’m not sure when the time came when I worried that I had said too much or I worried about whose eyes might come across its path. I guess it was precisely the time when I became in cyberspace the person I am inside my head. It’s not easy to put everything in your head in simple words for all the world to see. It’s not easy to go back and re-read what exactly you have said. It’s even harder to imagine your exposed soul being out there for people to comment on, surmise your real meaning, or move past in-spite-of.

But it’s me.

For as much of the person I am who blurts out before thinking, for that bulging heart that I wear on my sleeve, for as much as my heart strives to be known – my blog reveals what I won’t generally say. Outloud that is. It’s what I long to say, but what I am most afraid to. It’s what only a few people really know about me. It’s who I am.


And here you are.

I put it out there for you to know me better, or understand me better, or answer the questions you don’t know how to ask. I trust that you won’t abuse the knowledge I give you. Occasionally, I sensor what I say because sometimes I am afraid what you will think. Or what you will misunderstand. That’s what I do, that’s what I’m afraid of.

What you think.

I don’t do this for you and yet I’m not sure how it became so much about me. But it’s part of this long strange trip I’ve been on for the last 8 months. It’s about the people, the places, the life, the laughter, and the love that I have experienced and continue to experience each day. It’s about what I hope to find and it’s about what is important to me. It’s about who I am becoming. It’s about what I want. And what I don’t. It’s about people who are a part of me. Either by blood, by friendship, by soul sister-ness, by acquaintance, or by possiblility.

I am just a girl who is slightly fucked up because of an overly imaginative heart and mind. Just a girl who is trying to figure out where she fits in this world. A soon to be 30-year old with a fat ass and a crooked nose. Someone who doesn’t know where she really belongs. Or who cares to belong to her. I read into everything. I analyze every word. I love to cook and to entertain. I wish someone would send me flowers for no reason. I'm a pretty cute chick who loves her friends, family, and dogs more than shopping. I am a horrible drunk and I act like an idiot. I am paralyzed by the possibility of getting hurt. I am a girl who crosses the line, and usually has to pick up the pieces of the mess I make. I can't wait to be a mother. I'm overly sensitive but I will always put it all out there. And yes, I am dramatic.

I am not weird. I am not odd. I am not strange.

I am just me.

And for as much as I care what you think - what I have realized since having my blog is that if you don't "get it" you don't "get me" and that's ok too. Just don't stick around.

If you can't handle this, you can't possibly handle me.

For you, my current “lurkers,” or those of you who remain in my world only as “anonymous” – just remember, I have 8 months of blogging under my belt and technology does have its advantages. I know when you visit and what you read. Just as you are a voyeur into my world, I am now peeking back at you. I hope that you will stay, but I also hope you will say hello now and then.

For my future readers, those wanted and unwanted…Hi, my name is Nat and this is my blog.

Stay or go, but all I ask is that you know who I am when you do.