Forward

Mr. Big: You girls are the loves of her life, a guy is lucky to come in fourth.

Enough said.

Oh, I'm Sure You Know How...

To Love A Woman. Yes, Mr. Daughtry, I bet you do.

I'm sorry I haven't professed my love for you in a couple weeks but I was so upset after last week when you almost got voted off (WTF) I been at a loss for what to say. I noticed last night during your brief serenade that I actually found myself talking, out loud, to myself, about how HOT you are. This week, I was sure not to put fate in the hands of all those other weak-in-the-kneed fans out there, so you can be sure I did my part for all humanity by texting the word "vote" to 5706 and 5712. There is no way I can go through the agony of last week again.

Oh you are yum, yum, yummy.

And yes, I did take pictures of you on the TV...I know, I know. But I told you before - I'm a damn good groupie, and well, this is love.

So here you are - singing on the floor. Yes, that's you dear Chris. On your back with a smile on your face. I'm sorry that my angle is a little off. But I think that was one of the times I was repeating "Oh My God could he be any HOTTER" outloud. I really couldn't belive what I was seeing. Tee hee tee hee tee hee...

GIDDY!!! (Clapping hands, please kind American Idol producers show more of this!)

You are the hottest thing since Jordan Knight performed "Baby I Believe In You" on Pay Per View in 1989...and that's pretty freakin hot.

Letting Go

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." -- Carrie Bradshaw

Well, I did it. I officially cut the chord with Mr. Penny. Yep, told him I was done and done last night. Ok, so maybe not so much in those terms, maybe in a nicer way that rid him from feeling any sort of guilt, but still...I did it. This time on my own terms instead of waiting around for his. And I'm not feeling sparky and I don't think there is a spring in my step, but I am sure I did the right thing. Even so, I don't feel better. I don't feel relieved. I just feel sad.

Knowing you need to take steps forward and taking those steps isn't exactly my idea of a good time. In fact, I've spent most of my life running from confrontation. Confrontation means closing a door and saying goodbye. And well, it's no secret that I have an extremely hard time with goodbyes.

I firmly believe that this problem with goodbyes stems from an entire lifetime spent in the arms or the company of other people. I am almost thirty years old and up until seven months ago, I had never been alone. Saying goodbye for me has always been like someone pulling the strings on my heart and turning on the well of tears in my eyes. Goodbye have always been one of the most real feelings I have. I cry every time, no matter after a simple visit or a goodbye for a lifetime.

Because of this weird issue with goodbyes, I have become a master at letting people hurt me time and time again - forgiving them - until I'm no longer capable of it. I have become great at sacrificing my needs for those of someone else. I have become skilled at excuses. I have, however, always been able to walk away after feeling slighted...but, only after way too long. And yet, I'm horrible at walking away and at letting go before it gets to that point. I feel somehow that I'm giving up.

But giving up on what?

Giving up on them? Giving up on me? Giving up on the idea that inately, people are good and they don't mean to hurt you? Giving up on the ideals that you spend your life building upon in the areas closest to your heart - friends you wanted to keep forever and a good man who makes you laugh but who just can't give you what you deserve.

This is my greatest fault.

Putting the feelings of everyone else before the feelings of my own. It is hard to learn that it's okay to put my own heart before that of someone else's. It's hard learning how to create my own reality instead of letting someone else dictate where it may or may not go. I'm trying to understand that it's okay to walk away before being crushed. I know these things, I'm moving towards these things but it's still not easy getting there. It's still hard to look past the end of the road and know that the journey won't hurt for long.

I still believe, undoubtadly, that the greatest gift in life besides that of love is in losing. When you are lucky enough to lose, no matter what the loss may be, your life really does become filled with mystery again.

And today, well, I guess I'm pretty lucky.

Stuck In Reverse

"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face, And I...
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you."

- Coldplay

All I Want for Christmas...

Well, there's no time like the present to think about what I want for Christmas or my birthday (30) for that matter, this year.

Especially because I finally took the plunge, bit the bullet, cashed in the chips (damn, I hate that word)...I finally have taken a step towards paying the massive amount of debt I have collected over the last year. Woo hoo. So the unofficial celebration date is February 2011. Be sure to mark it down. Of course, I'm hoping to widdle that down no later than February 2010. Nice way to start a new decade and all. Yep. Spent a lot of money. I guess it's not free after all.

Why is it that I don't learn once? What is it about me that makes me learn everything the hard way!

Best line of the day: "Oh, have you been a client here before?"

Enthusiastic reply by yours truly: "Why, yes! Yes, I have...just didn't seem to learn my lesson the first time!"


No credit cards for the next five years.

POW! Beotch

Goodbye GAP. Goodbye Nordstrom. Goodbye Macy's, Pottery Barn, and Crate & Barrel. I'm not sure what I've bought but I'm sure it was good and I'm sure I'm going to miss it a lot more because now I can't play with you. Goodbye expensive dinners & good wine. Goodbye vaca's without a care. Sianora parties thrown for the sake of throwing them. Thanks for the memories...we sure have had a good ride.

Sssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh...............

You mean I'm not Ivana Trump after all? Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

God, I'd love a cigarette for this. And a cocktail. Days like this are made for cigarettes and cocktails.

So all I want for Christmas 2006 (aka all that I would have bought if I had the spending power to do so):

• Vanilla Bean Henri Bendel candles (en masse)
• 5 pairs of tinted authentic GAP Long & Leans
• 10 days in Maui & Kauai or maybe somewhere in Europe (hotel is courtesy of Hilton Honors points and airfare courtesy of Delta, people please--even I have some sense of reality)
• 3 trips to Gulfport to visit Vee.
• 3 trips to Washington DC to visit SEDW & Merriwether as well as the VA fam clan.
• 5-10 pairs of shoes from Nordstroms.
• Maybe a nice little bobble from Tiffany's. Just cause.
• A new bottle of Gucci Rush just in case I run out.
• Hair products. Lots of hair products.
• Oil changes and maybe a tune up for the Honda.
• 5 or 6 more StoryPeople prints. Can you really ever have enough?
• Gift certificates for my nails to get filled. I'm having a tough time figuring out how I'm going to keep this habit up but I just don't see myself letting go of pretty nails.
• Groceries.
• Wine.
• Gas. Gas. Gas. Suddenly, it's become apparent I'll never be able to let my tank go below 3/4 of the way full.
• Make-up.
• Nose job/boob lift.
• Hot boyfriend. (That one maybe I can find on my own, but am glad to accept cash donations to fine online dating site/blind date/parties thrown in my honor/etc./etc./etc.)

For right now I think that should suffice. I'm going to be shopping at Wal-MartS instead of Target (say it with me. . .tarh-jhay). Dining on Roast Beef Ramen instead of Filet Mignon from Malone's, and BOGO'ing at Payless instead of having the latest from my pal Steve Madden or Nine West.

I am so not good at being poor.

Oh wait, I already am.

Rephrase. I am so not good at pretending not to be poor.

I Got Nuthin...

That's right folks. I'm plum out of ideas or fresh concepts to talk about here. I just got nuthin'.

And that includes money.

I got no money either.

In fact, I looked at Wikipedia this morning and next to the word broke, I found a picture of myself. Go figure.

Good news is, I'm going to scrape together some pennies (no, no, silly readers - not Mr. Penny) and go to Siesta Key in June with NB-C, Vee, and Julia. A little girls weekend away at the beach. I can already smell the burnt flesh and stale beer -- all signs of a successful trip with this bunch. NB-C sent an email earlier stating that we will indeed have to buy bathing suits. That should be an awesome experience. Fat. In Spandex. Sign me up.

Yep, taking a little vaca.

It's only been a year since my last one. I think it's time.

And the best part, Julia & Vee & I are making it into a roadtrip. Now, how often do you know 30-year olds (and those soon to be) who think it's way fun to drive 15 hours to the destination of choice? Well, you haven't met us. Julia & I got the bright idea and Vee decided it just wouldn't be the same if she didn't take a train from Gulfport to Hotlanta so she could partake in the long (repeat LONG) journey. Well, we plan to do some sightseeing - you know, break it up a little.

We're picking up the ODB (aka NB-C) somewhere in FLA. I can't help the three letter acronym thing - after all I'm a wannabe techy.

So that's it. That's all I got.

I'm way excited about this trip - I can almost hear Jimmy Buffett now...the sun and the sand...

Well sand is overrated...

But the ocean isn't.

And the company is the best part.

Always Changing Probably

I wanted to follow you

Down to your well-furnished cave

And to laugh at your art

I wanted to tell you the truth

But I’m always afraid

That you’ll be torn apart

Oh, say the word

And I’ll tell you you’re wrong

Oh, say the word

I’ve been waiting too long

But when you talk

There’s nothing to hear

I’m always changing

You’re too far or too near

I wanted to tell her the truth

But I’m always afraid it’s not in her heart

I wanted to say how I felt

But I’m always afraid

That she’ll stop when I start

Oh, say the word

When we’re there at her home

Oh, say the word’cause

I don’t want to be alone

But when she talks

She’s all that I hear

How can I help it

You are always too near

--Toad the Wet Sprocket

It's official. I am crazy.

I mean that in the nicest way. But yes, I think I might be certifiable. NB-C pointed out I am being a little whacko and I think she might just be right.

It's spring. My beloved spring. The time when you look out the window and see the sun and just smile...

Anna Nalick said it best..."winter just wasn't my season."

There is something about spring that makes me crazy. But this year, it's kind of taken crazy to a whole new level. And not in the good way. Right now, it seems I'm sort of caught up in it. Drowning in the realness of it. I'm back inside my head, where there is lots of noise and no one is talking but me.

See. Crazy.

The story goes like this:

Last year spring bloomed and I was newly free - caught up in a oblivious - yet blissful - whirlwind from my Waiting to Exhale - it is trash - fleeing from the husband formerly known as mine. I was reborn into the world. I was free. I was happy for the first time in years. I was content to be alone and to absorb energy from everyone. It was great.

This spring came with a tinge of sadness. For the first time in 12 months I realized I was alone. Alone and feeling sorry for myself. And where being alone was so satisfying for all those months before, somehow, as the trees bloomed and as the days extended into night, I realized my solitude. All of a sudden, that apartment I spent so much time in - gratefully - throughout the winter has become a prison.

It's the great irony.

And yes, I am freaking out about turning 30. Me, the baby of the bunch. The suddenly single-in-the-city girl. The one who has all of a sudden heard that biological clock ticking loud and clear. And the one who has suddenly lost that numbness of never wanting to be married again. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.

So my girls came to the rescue yesterday. (Thank you) As they always do. They always know - and it was even in Vee's horoscope.

And so, to quote another great line from one of my favorite movies (I'm all about the quotes today):

"YOU MUST CHILL! YOU MUST CHILL!"

So I think I'm just gonna chill for awhile, be one with spring and try to come up with my own fun. I need a hobby. An inexpensive hobby. Perhaps that should be the little voice that goes "Get your ass back to the gym since you are paying for it anyway."

Oh, by the way, NB-C has convinced me to not go back to the world of online dating...

just yet.

Oh Happy Day!!!

I just received the greatest news! My oldest and dearest friend Slimy is pregnant!!!

She is having a little boy and is due August 26th!!!

Tossing In The Chips

I can't believe I just said the "C" word. I feel dirty.

Anyway, friends...I know, I know I am indeed the great "flip/flopper," especially as it pertains to Mr. Penny. However, I have decided that I must return to the world of online dating. UGGGGHHH. I am just too bored. I am tired of sitting at home, alone, every week night and weekend. Mr. Penny says I don't like to be alone "because I was married." Let me state this loud and clear, just so everyone gets it...I am much less lonely now than I was when I was married. I just happen to be extremely bored and there are so few people available to play with me. Oh, by the way, I am tired of fighting for attention.

It's spring and there is much to do, and I'm so bored having to do it all alone, all the time.

The longer this ambiguity goes on between Mr. Penny and I, the more pissed off and frustrated I get. So, I'm not quite saying goodbye - no, I'm sure next week I'll post about him being wonderful - but I'm going to have to be practical here and be proactive in pursuing something/someone else. It makes me kind of sad, really, but you know, I refuse to put all the power in his hand. If Mr. Penny isn't ready for a real relationship, so be it. But I am. I'm not getting any younger and thus, I don't have three years to wait around for someone to decide whether or not I'm worth having a future with.

I want so badly to give Mr. Penny the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes you gotta call a spade a spade and sometimes you can only do so much to put yourself out there before you realize that its never going to sink in. Sometimes you still have to take steps forward, because not only am I worth more - someone out there is waiting to fall in love with me for all the right reasons. I might as well try to give that person a chance.

So it's time to start wistfully crafting the old profile - hell, at least working on the magical combination of words will give me something to do, which is more than I can say for Mr. Penny.

Sigh.

Bored

that's my vee

I'm having one of those days. You know the kind. When nothing in the world can hold your attention for more than say, 10 consecutive seconds. Yes, that kind. Today I am bored. Bored, bored, bored. I've been trying to complete just one task I need to today, but I am rendered completely useless. Even IMing isn't satisfying me and well, that usually tides me over till the whistle blows. Nope, not today. Today I keep thinking how I need a vacation. How I wish I were in D.C. right now. How I wish I were playing with Merriwether & SEDW in that favorite city of mine. How I should just get in the car and go so I can see my family in Virgina, too. Today, I am not concerned with the tasks listed on my to-do list, rather when I get home, what I'll have for dinner and what is on TV because I'm feeling pretty fat. I'm concerned right now by these utterly-delicious Cadbury mini-eggs that are sitting on my desk beckoning me to eat them. Bite into that delightful crunchy shell and let the marshmellowy chocolate disolve in my mouth. Wow. I must be PMSing, I don't even like chocolate. I am kind of sad today, because I realized that in 8 months and 1-hour, 41-minutes I will be 30. I need a kiss. And a hug. And I'm feeling kind of needy today. I'm wondering how on earth they thought Meredith Viera would be a good replacement for Katie Couric on the Today show. Ann Curry is so much better, and come on, you're replacing an avid philanthropist for someone who hosted Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. I can plan events and cook pretty well. Do you think they'll give me a show on the Food Network. I am also broke. Broke, Broke, Broke. $106 in the old checking account and counting down until the tumbleweeds roll through and the crickets chirp. Keeneland opens tomorrow and I have spent the better part of the week convincing myself how I do not need to spend the remaining balance in my checking account on $2 bets on the jockey in pink or the oversized cups of cold Miller Lite. Sigh. Soon I’ll be facing a life without credit cards, sigh, and probably a second job. Sigh, sigh. I need new clothes but I’m sure my mother’s pity factor has grown thin and she probably won’t cough up $200 bucks so her poor daughter could buy some capri pants and maybe some fun skirts at the Gap. Sigh, sigh, sigh. Abby is shedding a lot lately. Each day I go home it looks like she’s exploded all of her hair on the mini-me couches in the Hobbit House. I just had to buy red couches. She’s going to be pissed because today isn’t a good day for a squirrel chase and after 4 days in a row, she’s gotten smart enough to think it’s become a routine. Yes, poor Abby is just going to just be mellow and fat with her mom tonight. 8 months, 1-hour and 24-minutes remain until I turn 30. My skin is starting to age and its kind of depressing. It’s kind of lizardy looking these days. That’s so hawt. I wish it were warm enough where you could sit outside and enjoy the breeze today. I wish I were at my PZ's lake house drinking a nice vino and catching up on all things sentimental. I wonder if it's possible my youngest cousin will be 12 on Sunday. I was a size 6 when he was born. I need a vacation. And a pedicure. That would be great. I wonder how Mandisa got voted of American Idol last night. I really didn't see it coming. I've decided my B.F. Chris really doesn't like the other contestants. He just tolerates them because he is so much better than everyone. Even though that Pickler girl is a ditz, I did learn that she says "sal-mon" the same way I do. That is redeeming. If Vee comes to play in LexVegas next week we are so poor that we are going to have to smoke Barclay cigarettes and drink white zinfandel out of a Franzia box-o-wine. Awesome. I wonder if NB-C is having fun in the rain at opening day at the Legends. We can't all have perfect days on our vacations (come back). Qdoba was free today at lunch. Only spent $2.30 for it because of my reward club card or whatever. That was the best quacamole & Coke I ever paid for. Yawn. 8 months, 1-hour, 7-minutes....

My Little Piece of Heaven

Well hello, lover.

I have to admit I was a little tardy to our date last night because I got swept away by the Godfather III that was on TV last night. I must have temporarily become insane to have missed even 30-seconds with you...but alas, there isn't much that will keep me from dreaming of an Italian man - and the Godfather does always seem to suck me in every time...Enough excuses...It's kind of weird because each time I see your face, my stomach aches and I kind of get these butterflies because you just, remind me of...Well you are just beautiful. I'm not going to lie. And I know, I know, you're singing these stirring renditions of Keith Urban and Johnny Cash subconsciously for me, longing for the day when we can be together...and so I'll wait, patiently. I've gotten good at waiting.

And so, until tonight - again, you are yummy.

XOXO,
N

The Big No-No

So I've done it. I've questioned it for awhile, but I realized late last week what I had been trying to figure out for a few weeks -- an epiphany if you will.

I like Mr. Penny.

There, I said it.

And I'm going to get screwed over this. I'm going to get hurt and I'm going to get heart broken. I'm going to feel more for him and he is going to disappoint me. I am going to want more and he's going to be content with the way things are. I am going to continue to make excuses for his sometimes thoughtless behavior and he is going to continue to think of everything but me.

And then he will do something that will make me forget all that. He'll make me laugh so hard I spit out my beverage and I won't care. He'll recall something that only he and I know how the story goes and it will make me feel a part of something bigger than myself. He'll acknowledge his thoughtlessness and it will be okay. He will make an effort because he doesn't want to disappoint me again, and I will know that he is trying. He will step out of his comfort zone and make amends and I will be glad.

The relationship with Mr. Penny is what it is, and it is what it isn't.

I've had conversations with pretty much everyone on the ever changing cycle of Mr. Penny. I've also consulted re-runs of my second-in-line-goto-girls, Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte & Samantha

. . . and the jury is out. Half weighs in the favor of seeing where this goes and the other half says I should put a stop to it here and now. As for me, a quarter of me tells myself that I make too many excuses for him. Another quarter of me says I should protect myself from getting hurt. The other half of me knows him like the back of my hand, likes the challenge, likes the ride, likes having him in the background but not tied down, likes trying to figure out what's around the next curve.

That's the half that has won. For now.

In reality, this is a perfect situation for me. I have to admit, I like the drama of it. I like having something to chew on, you know? I realized a couple of years ago that it was precisely the time when life became a routine that I began to feel like I was dying. In theory, I like the ebb and flow of the tide. I kind of crave it. In reality, I like each day to never be the same, I like it when every day is everything but what I expect. I think I heard it best when Clementine said to Joel in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, "I will get bored with you, I will feel trapped because that is what I do."

For anyone who hasn't already figured me out, that is what I do.

Thus being said, no one, including me, wants me to get hurt. I will not pretend to have the upper hand here or think that I am fooling myself. I am a die hard romantic and yet I make concessions. I like Mr. Penny. I can't deny my feelings and I shouldn't question them. It may be stupid to let him stick around. It may do me no good in the end.

Then again, isn't this this what we all must come to? Don't we all have to take a reasonable chance and be willing to lose in order to really live? In order to really learn?

It's a fine line, an even greater balance. This thing with Mr. Penny is unlike any relationship I've ever had before. It is a friendship first and foremost. There is something familiar about him. Something that is just easy between us. Perhaps that is what is both frustrating and wonderful. The ease of being with each other but not really being together. Most days he makes me laugh. Some days he hurts my feelings because he isn't living up to my expectations. Up until last weekend, I didn't know I had any expectations.

But I do.

I will not lose sight of myself - I vow, here and now to make only certain allowances. I vow not to compromise on what I hold most dear. This is something I have to arrive to by myself. It is something that only I can figure out.

And eventually, I will.

For now, I will look forward to that first IM in the morning. I will appreciate that he is a tight ass with money. I will laugh when I think about "good vs. bad drinks" and whether or not I have them. I will smile when I realize he's figured something out about me or when he makes fun of my red shoes. I will hold on to the way he's adapted to my way of saying "sal-mon" or how he always makes me take a bite just to see the look of disgust on my face each time he has it. Bleck. I will sigh when I call to mind what the words sound like when he calls me "babe." I will relish in the fact that he is someone who likes to learn, and who isn't afraid to become better. I will thank him for listening to me when I say that I'm not being treated the way I expect to be--and for taking steps forward. I will be happy not living in the future, just in the here and now.

Mostly, I will laugh with him, and be his friend.

For right now, that is enough.