Crossroads?

Kate's blog today on love has really struck some kind of chord in both me and NB-C.

(if you haven't read it, now would be a good time)

The premise: Choosing love that looks good on paper, or love that fills you up.

My vote for all the rest of my days: Love that fills me up.

It's odd, because the interesting turn of events has had me thinking quite a lot this week. I think I may soon be at a place that I refer to as "A Life Moment." A Life Moment to me is one of those times when you have two paths in front of you and which ever one that is chosen may be one of the most monumental decisions of your life. It's a Moment when you look back in time and see how clearly your life could have gone in a different direction had you simply made a different choice. Life Moment's are when you put your feet down on the floor like in the movie Spanglish...

NB-C and I were talking the other night and she pointed out what I didn't realize had been in front of me for a long time...another Life Moment is upon me. And, well...I'm scared. There is something happening with Mr. Penny and there is something happening with the Compliment Giver. Only thing is, I am not sure what it is with either of them. Right now there is no decision that has to be made, but the day will come...and maybe what's gotten me about Kate's blog & NB-C's observance is that ultimately I've got to choose--and maybe I just don't want to. Maybe I'm too scared too.

Let me back up...

I would consider myself a person who wants nothing more in this life than to find "the One." I am the hopeless romantic of my group of friends...You know the type....the one who loves nothing more in the world than a mixed CD, the one who loves poetry or dialogue from a movie, the one who could listen to love songs on repeat until mild depression sets in. I am the one who would probably move Heaven & Hell for the opportunity to be loved in the way I feel I deserve to be loved. Alas, I too am a person who most often settles because I am caught up in the moment, or by what feels right at the time, I fall fast and I fall hard, I don't want to disappoint, I don't know how to communicate, and I hurt myself by making poor decisions.

I am working, this time around, to not be that person.

I know now that it is easier to be alone than unhappy. That's a step. But, being a 29-year old divorcee has given me something that I never think I felt before. Call it jaded, call it pessimistic, but I think it's something different...I think I am scared. Scared to love. Scared to lose. Scared to make the wrong decision. Scared to hold on and scared to let go. Scared to open up. Scared to feel, anything. Scared to wish for someone who I can't be with or who doesn't want to be with me. Scared to be trapped. Scared to ever have to say goodbye.

So, I know there are Life Moments upon me. It tightens my throat and it puts a rock in my stomach. I know those Life Moments of the Past...I know where my life turned. I know what I would have done differently.

1) Taking the husband-formerly-known-as-mine to my senior spring formal instead of Buhl. I chose to go with the new boyfriend who later became the husband instead of the one whom I had spent years loving and pining over. I doubt I would have ended up with Buhl, but the next few years could have been a very different outcome.

2) The T-shirt guy whom I had a crush on for practically my entire college career called me one night my senior year. I was too scared, too flustered, too something to call him back. The attraction between he and I was just there, from the first to the last of our encounters. The life moment came and went because I didn't think it was possible that he could actually feel the same...that I was unworthy and that I might disappoint. I didn't do anything because I was paralized by fear. To this day, I have never felt a stronger connection to anyone in my life. I should have called him back.

Thankfully, I am not quite at the crossroads, but I know it is soon to come. These are men, very different and each with their own complications. Learning to make better choices may have it's kick off on this decision. Then again, maybe not. Nonetheless, a decision will have to come one day. It calls to mind a song by Vince Gill that might just say it perfectly...

I've got two lovers in my life now

A true love and one that's brand new

I'm not really sure that I know how

To love one and tell one we're through

I can't sleep at night, I toss and turn

I keep losing sight of lessons I've learned

I'm standing at the crossroads with just one concern

Which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn

To be continued...