Hints & Expectations

In my reflections of the past few months, I've realized that I have unfair expectations of people. In turn, I think this gets in the way of a lot of the things I try to do to move forward in my life. It's almost as if the optimism in me says - oh give it a few moments more, surely they'll come through - because isn't that what people are supposed to do? Someone will reach out their arms to save me. Someone will understand that I just need them to be there. But rarely do they ever. And what happens is I end up feeling defeated and destroyed. I can't help doing this. I have done it all my life. It drives some people crazy about me, while others think it's a fine quality to have. I personally, sit somewhere in the middle.

One of the things I like best about me is that I am an eternal optimist. I see the glass half full about 90% of the time. It's only when I'm in a deep blue funk that I see the glass as empty, cloudy, or not nearly full enough. This happens to be the case for me over the last few months. Four to be exact. I've been teetering somewhere on the edge of manic depression since the end of April. Masked well, smile ever present. Behind closed doors a total freaking disaster. Waiting for someone to notice that I was doing everything wrong as it pertained to dealing with my life. People don't notice unless you don't function. I'd like to think of myself as a reasonably functioning disaster. She who spirals down farther and farther into her mind and empty bits of her soul, giving pieces of reason for the actions that are no longer reasonable. Afraid to do anything to help myself. Easier to cry because crying means acknowledgement, crying is a sensation you forgot for like, seven years of your life.

It's hard to fool the outside world, but it's even harder to fool yourself.

And finally, after months of solitude and reflection one day the light switch turns on and everything is illuminated. As cliche as it gets, you wake one day and the drops in the glass seem to add up again, instead of being taken away. You begin to have clarity and resolution. No longer wanting to be afraid or holding onto the illusions of the past. It seems the reigns have been placed firmly in the palms of your hands, and you willingly take the lead. So much change has left you tired and in need of the calm only your spirit can bring. Somehow you see what you've come through - like a hazy fog, a distant memory. You know you can be better, and you want to be.

My divorce was final two years ago this week. And it's grasp, his grasp, has loosened but the earthquakes still continue hit. Two years, it has taken me to wake up and to stand firmly on my own two feet. To get it together. To understand who I am and who I want to be. Who I don't want to be. Each chapter tiny aftershocks inside me, each step forward leaving me in a better place. I have made many mistakes, but they were mine to make. I have been to hell and back, you might not realize it, but I have. The difference is that I'm no longer looking back. I'm no longer waiting to be saved and I'm no longer scared. I no longer need to have affection to prove my self worth. I know that happiness is a choice and a choice I wish to make.

I know that the hope that overflows within me is greater than any fear I may ever have. I know that people are inately good, and I choose to believe that. I choose to have high expectations, and I choose to be a positive person. I choose to be happy and forgiving, of myself and of others. To have passion and desire, and an unquenchable thirst for something more. I choose to be thankful and to love longer and more than I should. I choose to believe in possibility and not complacency. I choose this wonderful life I have made for myself and to maybe even become a joiner.

Perhaps these two years, perhaps the last four months have defined me. But in no way have they defeated me.

Restitution is officially paid in full.