Somehow there are no words

I keep trying to write, something. But I can't. I can't find the words. Or formulate a logical thought. I've been second guessing a lot. And crying over everything. I am so overwhelmed by emotion, both happy and sad that it just feels like everyone is talking and nothing makes sense anymore. I feel an incredible amount of loss this past week and a few days. I have lost all things familiar, all that is no longer mine.

I lost my best friend, because of words that were too easily said and not heartfelt when they counted the most. I lost the contentment I had comfortably held from a distance, the hope, the dream, no longer to be shared. Today, trusted my instinct and learned that after a year and a half the one who calls me his best friend, still holds my friendship at an awkward distance. I silently recounted an anniversary, that should have six years later meant something more. Walked away from the job that felt more like home to me than anything else in this town. Opened the door to a bright future. Threw away pictures from my wedding, honeymoon, from the first love, from the old friends whose faces I no longer knew. I threw away my wedding dress, veil, shoes, and everything else associated with it (sorry, mom). I held higher expectations than I should have.

From. Everyone. Who. Meant. Anything. To. Me.

If ever there were time for a change to happen, I am convinced that right now is that time. As scared as I am to go, I almost feel a sense of relief. It is as if I am being smothered by every mistake, every ounce of trust, every memory good and bad, day in and day out. Bittersweet, it seems I have never felt more alive and more alone than I do right now. And for the relationship side of this I have no one but myself to blame. I have trusted and believed longer and more than I should have. I have opened my heart and re-opened old wounds. I have not been a friend to the one person I never wanted to lose, hurt, or let go of. I cry all the time, as if to say to myself: Enough.

And so I wait for the days to wash over me and the solace to once again come. I dream of the day where life begins again and the hurt and the sadness goes away as quickly as it came. I forgive myself for my mistakes, and I try coming to terms with those who I must let go of, and I know that there is much ahead...and that comforts me. But I still can't help but wonder how I have landed in such a time of change or why everything that has been anything to me is coming to an end, within days of each other. I still can't help but wonder what kind of restitution I am being forced to pay or if the person I thought I was, isn't really me at all. There must be some kind of explanation. There must be some bigger reason why the one person I want to see me off on my journey won't be there to say goodbye. Some reason that the dream I used to believe in wasn't quite real enough to stay in. There must be some reason that he still can't be honest with me. There must be some validity in my decision to move forward. So much so, that it was easy for me to say "time to go." I keep waiting for the epiphany to come. I keep looking within, trying to find the answer to the question I keep asking myself: What is it about me, that makes me, so easy to let go of...

Because it seems everyone, including me...is.