Fragile: Handle with Care

You know that feeling you get when you are so overwhelmed with anticipation and the desire to just stay a little longer...that feeling that makes your stomach have that slightest tinge of wonderment. I think that is what I feel today. Seven days left here. Seven days which will go by too quickly. Where the sound of laughter from those who I have come to know will begin to fade. Seven days where I will know the shortcuts and troubled traffic patterns. Where the friends made over the past few years will wish me well, will be sad to see me go, and who will cheer for me along the way. Seven days left of shared memories - stories or songs or nicknames mixed with laughter from those they mean something to. Leaving LexVegas is not a goodbye, it's just a see ya later...

I am ready to go. I am ready to embrace my future. I am ready for the challenges ahead. I am ready for the fantastic to happen. I am ready to begin again, to try a little harder, to love a little more, and learn how to continue to move forward instead of looking back. For this moment, I have put the brakes on my tears. There is much ahead, there is much in store. Life is too short to be sad. It's true that I am a trainwreck most of the time and maybe a basket case, too. But I am moving forward. As I have said before: I am still learning.

So my peace has come back to me, and the tears are now three days gone. I've had three people and a little too much on my mind, so these are the things I need to say before this chapter closes.

I miss you, dearest friend. I hope you will one day forgive me. I know life has us on diferent paths right now, but I understand a little better than I did before. Especially over the last couple of weeks. Please know that there isn't a day that I don't miss hearing your voice on the other end of the line or the sound of your laughter. I want to tell you that I'm moving next Friday and I want to ask if you would like to go to lunch before I go. It's not that I'm running from you. It's because I can't say your name without crying. It's because the loss of you has profoundly impacted me. It's because I'm scared that all I'll do is cry and beg for your forgiveness. That's why I haven't called. Because leaving you behind hurts like hell.

My Belgian. Thank you for giving me perspective, and for being a true and good (great) friend. For showing me that I can open up my heart, and why that is so important. You have been the one person who has inspired me to follow my dreams, to create my own path, to live again. I don't know why, I don't know how, but I do know that it is because of you. So this is my pledge to you: I promise that I will be here for you and I'm not going to push you away, you are one of the most important people in my life and you will remain so, always. I will be thinking of you on Monday and wishing I were able to be there for you.

These are the words I need you to hear. These are the words I want you to read and understand that they are for you:

the stillness in your eyes,

convinces me that i,

i don't know a thing,

and i've been around the world,

and i've tasted all the wines,

a half a billion times

came sickened to your shores,

you show me what this life is for

i wanna dance with you,

i see a world where people live and die with grace

the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace

i wanna dance with you,

i see a sky full of the stars that changed our minds,

and lead us back to a world we would not face

in this altered state...in this altered state

full of so much pain and rage,

you know we got to find a way

to let it go

The two of us have shared a long road these last few months. It's been a good journey, a good ride. And one we've gotten through, together. So, thank you for that. And thank you for giving me the ability to look towards the future, towards possibility, towards life...

And finally, to the one who calls me his best friend. I am over it. I am over being second best to everything and everyone. I am over the commitment phobia for even the slightest decision to be made, like buying a plane ticket, helping me pack, going to lunch, or anything else. You are selfish and I have had enough. You don't deserve my friendship anymore. And not because of what you told me. But because I seem to be so easily replaced by you. Guess what, babe, I am irrefuckingplaceable. You were right, something fantastic is going to happen when I move. It will be me, without you. It will be me focusing on me, not on you. It will be filled with more people who give than who take and that will be a welcome change. You have hurt me immensely this week. Perhaps it's just because you don't want to see me go, but guess what. I am not just a convenience. I have been a loyal and loving friend to you. You know that, but you don't give that in return and so there is no room for you any more. Not on this ride. Not this time. Sorry. Find someone else to mind fuck for awhile. Oh wait, you already have.

...And in seven days I will pull away from the apartment, the friends, the job, the life formerly known as mine. I will be reborn into my thirties and I will begin somewhere new, in a place I used to dream about. It's going to be hard. It's going to be scary. It's going to be me going for it, me growing up, me closing the door and taking a leap of faith. It's exciting and it's surreal. It's me becoming me.

Me.

Hmm. I sure like that sound of that.