A Pretty Good Year

After a rousing, five hour conversation last night with Vee, I came to the conclusion - without much effort - that this has been, all in all, a pretty good year. And yes, I said five hours.

It's not that this year hasn't given me a few good licks. Cause it has. I lost my grandmother. I lost my former mother in law (ok, so that was on my birthday last year, but I will still count it). I got into an accident that almost sent me to the nut house. I had a lot of heartache and shed a lot of tears over one boy. I almost lost my best guy friend from a hideous case of stalking-like behavior. I went to credit counseling and gave up the thing I loved most...spending money.

But that's it. And as I sit here and write, and rack my brain about what else was bad about 2006, I can't come up with much, if anything, more. I have to say, that's not that bad. But the thing I will look back on about 2006 and my 29th year is that I have learned who I am, and I have become ME again. So many things that have been learned along the way...

I finally took my life back and put it firmly in my own hands. I made an effort to start understanding who I am. I finally got control of my spending and took a step to do something about it. I finally was able to realize that I like being single. A lot. I like that I have routines that I never thought I had. I like going to the gym. I liked that I quit smoking until a month ago (and yes, I did start it back and yes, I hate it , kind of, and yes it is just as bad as the crack ). I like having to rely on no one but myself, even at those times, like my grandmothers death. (Although, I do love a good supportive text message that says exactly what you need to hear at the perfect moment). I still hate doing laundry. I'm really a very bad drunk and should just give up the alcohol. I say dumb things sometimes. I am lazy. I am still dependent on my parents to bail me out of financial situations. I still love the way Jean Paul Gautier cologne smells on devastatingly handsome Belgians. I am finally grasping the concept of how important it is not to settle. Or how to cherish losing someone, because it means you were lucky enough to have them. I realized that I am a dreamer, not a do-er. I finally remembered how much I really enjoy the romance and the words and the poems and the songs. I came to understand the concept of moving forward and why it is so important to take a chance, to cross the line, and to go after what it is you want. I started to understand that I have a lot of resentment in me. And hurt. I began to write again - in this blog - and emptied my head instead of keeping it all in. I spent some of my most favorite times with my grandmother, and I held her hand as she died. I still made a lot of mistakes and did, said, and acted in ways I'm not proud of. I worked harder than I ever worked before. I got to see two of my best friends as a mother. I started listening to what my dreams were telling me, and who was coming to me in them. I allowed myself to cry again, to feel human again. I tried to make amends and close doors. I held on a little longer, and a little tighter than I should have. And I let go...

It's been a wild ride this 29th year of mine. I am looking forward to the new year ahead and I already have this overwhelming peace that I will continue to be blessed - even when the road is bumpy or when the goodbye's seem too much to bear. For all the ups and downs, I wouldn't change a thing. Fact is, I'm starting to like this person I'm becoming - or maybe who I've always been. I'm just starting to get comfortable with the ghosts of the past and the possibility of my future.

And I am happy.