Let Me Just Break It Down For Ya

I've had what you would call, a doozy of a week. You know the kind that makes you think back to that great line in Steel Magnolias..."When it comes to sufferin', well she's right up there with Elizabeth Taylor." Cause seriously, when the ball drops - it drops hard. And it's not really worth going into all the details - but sometimes - man, you just need to acknowledge that ignorance really is bliss and sometimes noi matter how prepared you are for some news to be delivered, you really aren't ready no matter when the time comes. It goes a little something like this:

Let's just say, these dreams about people - living and deceased are beginning to sort of freak me out. Let's just call the intuition what it really is, okay? Let's just now call a spade a spade and say what it really is. The Shining. The Sixth Sense.

Yep, you've seen the movies. You know what happens.

Let's just say, that you never, no matter how much you think you do, want to know when Mr. Big meets Natasha.



Let's just say, that when your friend asks you, who her soontobebutnotquiteyetex-husband / (aka one of your best guy friends) is dating, (oh yeah, she also happens to be another friend), and the weird love triangle has grown now to a square, with you (wondering how the hell you got there)...Make sure you have something good to come up with as to who that said woman is, and oops, how she met the sonofabitch.

Oh wait, cause it was in a round about way sort of your doing...that's rriiiiiiiiiggghhhhttt.


Let's just say, that if you have to keep waiting on said promotional opportunity a.k.a. mo' money to come through you may turn one year older, have saggy(er) boobs, and require a heavy(er) dose of Prozac/Lithium/Crack/Nicotine/Alcohol.

Get real, silly people. You know I don't smoke the Crack. And I haven't actually had any Prozac or Lithium. But I am thinking they might be a nice diversion?


Let's just say, that if you have to pause when you hear the words in that song "So this is Christmas" and wonder "so this really is?" for more than 15-seconds, then you probably aren't in the HoHoHo spirit if you know what I mean. Especially when shopping only makes your Grinch like behavior worse.

As if the God awful traffic isn't bad enough in this town already, why don't you just take your ass away from the mall with your unruly kids, pack them up, and put them on Ritalin. Pronto. May I suggest shopping online next year!? Ya, thanks.



But let me also say, that there is something luminous and radiant on the horizon. Something that will take me far away from LexVegas and someone to look forward to seeing at the end of the road...

A brighter discontent...

Repurposed

Prologue
1. Where was your profile pic taken? At Charlie Browns last October. Was having a good ole time with my girls Vee, Julia & NB-C.
2.What exactly are you wearing right now? A horrible ensemble of jeans, a white t-shirt, company logoed windshirt & tennis shoes. And my hair is horrible today.
3. What is your current problem? Being hungover from Saturday, still. Missing someone, a lot. Having to finish my Christmas shopping and having no clue about the last gifts to get.
4.What makes you most happy? Being with my friends, my family. Getting flowers. Snuggling with My Girl. A good song or mixed cd. Traveling.
5. What’s the name of the song that you're listening to? Say Hello, Wave Goodbye by David Gray.
6.Has anyone you've been really close with passed away? My Grandmother and My Grandpa Johnny.
7.Do you ever watch MTV? A little too often, being 30 and all.
8. What’s something that really annoys you? Driving in Lexington. Being too hot or too cold. Chewing with your mouth open. The mall at Christmas. Crowds.

Chapter 1:
1.Middle name: Anne
2.Nickname(s): Nat, Natty, Natasha, Nat X, Nisatisalisie
3.Current place? My desk.
4.Eye color: Blue

Chapter 2:
1. Do you live with your parents? Just my dog. And sometimes raccoons. Or mice.
2. Do you get along with your parent(s)?Mostly, yes.
3.Do you have any siblings?1 fabulous sister.

Chapter 3: Favorite...
1. Ice Cream: Strawberry!!!
2. Season: Fall


Chapter 4: Do You..
1. Write on your hand? Not as a standard practice.
2. Call people back: Always. Well, except yesterday. So, 99% of the time.
3. Believe in love: Depends on when you ask me.
4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed? Just right in the middle. Except when Abby sleeps in the bed with me. Then she makes me sleep on the left. LOL. I'm serious ya'll.
5. Have any bad habits? Eating. Smoking. Drinking. Falling for completely unattainable men. That's pretty much it.
6. Any mental health issues: I'm a little neurotic sometimes, but it has not been diagnosed.

Chapter 5: Have You....
1.Broken a bone? Once, my wrist.
2. Bought new stuff in the last two weeks? Bought some new lip gloss, and mascara. Woo hoo!
3. Had physical therapy? No.
4. Gotten stitches: Yes, in my thumb.
5.Taken painkillers? Love 'em! Ha.
6.Gone SCUBA diving or snorkeling: Nope.
7. Been stung by a bee? I think probably?
8. Thrown up at the dentist: Notta once. Well, as I rethink that, kinda after I had my wisdom teeth out.
9. Ever sworn in front of your parent? Frequently.
10. Had detention: Yes a couple times.
11. Been sent to the principal's office: Probably.
12. Been suspended: Yes, junior year in high school. That was bogus.

Chapter 6:Who/What was the last...
1.Movie(s) you watched? In the theater - Shut Up & Sing. On DVD - Gone with the Wind.
2. Person to text you: MLH.
3. Person you called?: NB-C.
4.Person you hugged: MLH.
5. Last person you talked to? Vee.
6. Thing you touched: My mouse.
7. Thing you ate: A mint to cure my garlic breath. It's wicked...
8. Thing you drank: Water.
9. Time you cried: Last week after dreaming about my grandmother.
10. Wished on a star: Well you know, I do have my own and all...

And Just Then, It Hits You

There was a fabulous ending to one of my favorite shows - Nip/Tuck - last night, and I discovered this new and wonderful song "Brighter Discontent." I fell in love with it immediately, perhaps because it seems to most elloquently describe me, or my life, or pending state of mind over the last 14-months. Read the words below or click HERE to listen.

Brighter Discontent :: The Submarines


Got a brand new roof above my head
All the empty boxes thrown away
I rearranged the place
A hundred times today
But the ordering of objects
Couldn't hide what's missing

All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be home again
All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be alone again

Got myself a bottle of red wine
Got a night of nothing else to do
I think I might know
What I really want
But is a brighter discontent
The best that I could hope to find?

Got a big black television set
Now I can watch just what I want
But I'm here staring up
At pictures on the wall
And where are you,
You're still stuck inside them all

All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be home again
All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be alone again

But love is not these belongings
That surround me
Though there's meaning
In the memories they hold
A breaking heart in an empty apartment
Was the loudest sound I never heard

Got a desk I'll write myself a note
Pretending that it came from you
On hotel stationary
From the time we first met
Whatever I can do causeI won't throw my hands up yet

All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be home again
All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be alone again

But love is not these belongings
That surround you
Though there's meaning
In the memories they hold
A breaking heart in an empty apartment
Was the loudest sound I never heard

Well I'll be find ifI dont look around me now
Too much for what's gone
If only I can wait here just a little while
And let time pass in my room

On One Month Without Her

My grandmother died a month ago today.

It's amazing how fast the time goes by anymore. How it's even possible to have said goodbye in the first place, let alone our final farewell four weeks ago. I mentioned in my eulogy to her (posted here) that our great bond was a love for our family - that bond that she instilled in me at a very early age. As I've reflected over the last four weeks on the life I had with her, I have spent countless hours looking at her pictures, remembering her voice, the sound of her laughter, the way she said "I love you, Natalie." I've thought about how she passed that love on to me - the love for her children, and for their children. How she gave me so much that never needed to be spoken. And as I drew pause, I remembered the legacy she left to me, so many years ago. Something she wrote in my baby book, and that I would sometimes read when I was missing home over the last few years. Something I'd read when I needed to feel whole, or real, or a part of something bigger. I don't believe it's been read by anyone other than me in almost as many years...but it's the one thing I treasure most in this world. These words that follow - a foundation for my whole life to come...Written by this most amazing woman I so proudly called, grandmother.



March 1, 1977…note from your grandmother…written during the period of time you and your mother and father are living at our house – 4221 Evansdale Road…Columbus, Ohio…

My dear little Natalie,

You are the first grandchild born into our family. Your grandfather and I have been with you since you came home from the hospital except for the week you returned to Nashville, Tennessee. You are now three months old as of the sixth of this month, and it didn’t take three months for us to love you very much and not surprisingly so, for I look forward to my family growing and there is much love in my heart for all.

You are a lucky little girl for my own children love you, too, and pay much attention to you. At this time your uncle Mark is a student in electrical engineering at Ohio State. Aunt Kris is a student in business administration at Miami U., and aunt Kathleen is a junior at "W" High School. Your grandfather is a pharmacist and has a couple of drug stores, a hardware store, and a carry out where you can go when you’re bigger to fix your own sundaes from his ice cream fountain. This is my ninth year as a fourth grade teacher at "G" Elementary School. I love what I do because being with children makes me very happy.

I think about you often even when I’m not with you, and you are one of my favorite topics of conversation with anyone who will listen. Your grandfather and I talk about all the things we want to do with you as you are growing up. I can promise you this – I’ll love you as a “pup” and will continue to do so when you’re full grown!

When I look at you I think you are beautiful. When I watch your reactions to your surroundings I think you’re very, very bright. When you smile at me I’m sure this is what life is all about for my own children gave me the same kind of pleasure.

Wherever you go, whatever you do, remember – this home will always be for you, too, as well as the rest of my children and their “future families.” With the “ups” and “downs” of family life, I want all of us to stay close and do for one another, for Natalie, your whole family will always be your best friends. May your life be filled with the love of a family for then you will know love and security which will help you give to your own something of yourself that will last forever.

The world is big, interesting and will show you beauty and challenges. How you live your life will be influenced by the love and closeness you feel towards your family. I will always be there when you need me and I plan to enjoy you as much as I enjoyed my own children. You are just one more piece of life’s wonderment – a child to know and love!

Your grandmother,
Mary

I Am So Lucky

I posted a few months ago about being content, and that contentness factor has somehow creeped back up on me. I don't remember a time that I ever felt so at peace as I have over the last six weeks or so. Perhaps it's the birthday celebration, perhaps it's the friends - new & old. Perhaps it's being comfortable in my own skin. I'm not quite sure what it is, but it's this overwhelming calm that I feel is enveloping me.

I know, yawn, I seriously need some new material.

Someone asked me yesterday how I felt about turning 30. And the truth is - I feel great about it. Hell, I don't really think my twenties were that great so there has to be a lot more in store for the next decade, right? :) But seriously, how better a way to start the next ten years than the way I have been able to ring them in. Side by side with my family, together with my friends, celebrated by my colleagues, and surprised by the one person who, no matter how far away, knows how to make me smile, and feel special.

Each of you, you know who you are, made yesterday a very special day that I will carry with me forever.


PS: Oh ya, almost forgot. If you ever find yourself needing to wish upon a star, go ahead...wish on mine. Yep, I have a whole star named for me now. Don't be jealous. I own a big fireball somewhere in a galaxy far far away. Probably too far and too hot for a vacay, but I am kind of like the ruler of the planet so that would be a perk.

Odd.

It's The Final Countdown

Da da da da, da da da da daaaa. Go ahead and sing it with me all you Europe (you remember the 80's big hair band) loving people...


T-minus 9-hours and counting till I'm the big 3-0. I was born at 4:44 p.m., so technically, I still have 23-hours left in my youth. Aw, sweet youth.

BIG HUGE FUN this weekend in C-bus with the gang. I'm so fortunate to have been able to celebrate with my bestest pals, as well as my family. Here's a quick recap for those who missed it:

Turning 30 can be a little like being a beauty queen:



You can do shots of Jaeger with your cousin Andrew:



Spend time with the one person in this world (outside of your family) who has known you the longest (ever since your banana clip/oops and then the hair was gone day/stalked NKOTB with you/shared every experience from 7th-12th grade with you and still loves you and who you still love to this day):



You get to spend time with the people who make you hap-hap-happy and who are the bestest friends ever:


(end of the night, all a little worse for wear, sorry Jules - you had gone to bed)

You get to party like the rockstar you are with your awesome aunt PZ and her fabulously awesome daughter, your cousin who, if you had to take a bet, is the most like you cousin you have...even at 16. Oh, and you get said cousin and her younger brother into a bar just cause it's your birthday:





Oh, and don't forget - you see your mom who, never drinks, drink an Long Island Ice Tea. Even if it's just one...you're still able to capture it on film, to remember it for all time. And you can find humor in the fact that she took pictures from all of your years and made them into popsicle stick head things (even the ones with your worst hair cuts - 6th grade, ewwwww) :



And even getting to have old friends who live in said hometown make apperances to fabulous birthday celebration in fancy ball gowns, and who have just hob-knobbed with great Ohio State football legends like Eddie George earlier in the evening:



I had a blast this weekend - thanks to all of you for making my thirtieth such a fabulous age to be turning!

I LOVE YA!