A Pretty Good Year

After a rousing, five hour conversation last night with Vee, I came to the conclusion - without much effort - that this has been, all in all, a pretty good year. And yes, I said five hours.

It's not that this year hasn't given me a few good licks. Cause it has. I lost my grandmother. I lost my former mother in law (ok, so that was on my birthday last year, but I will still count it). I got into an accident that almost sent me to the nut house. I had a lot of heartache and shed a lot of tears over one boy. I almost lost my best guy friend from a hideous case of stalking-like behavior. I went to credit counseling and gave up the thing I loved most...spending money.

But that's it. And as I sit here and write, and rack my brain about what else was bad about 2006, I can't come up with much, if anything, more. I have to say, that's not that bad. But the thing I will look back on about 2006 and my 29th year is that I have learned who I am, and I have become ME again. So many things that have been learned along the way...

I finally took my life back and put it firmly in my own hands. I made an effort to start understanding who I am. I finally got control of my spending and took a step to do something about it. I finally was able to realize that I like being single. A lot. I like that I have routines that I never thought I had. I like going to the gym. I liked that I quit smoking until a month ago (and yes, I did start it back and yes, I hate it , kind of, and yes it is just as bad as the crack ). I like having to rely on no one but myself, even at those times, like my grandmothers death. (Although, I do love a good supportive text message that says exactly what you need to hear at the perfect moment). I still hate doing laundry. I'm really a very bad drunk and should just give up the alcohol. I say dumb things sometimes. I am lazy. I am still dependent on my parents to bail me out of financial situations. I still love the way Jean Paul Gautier cologne smells on devastatingly handsome Belgians. I am finally grasping the concept of how important it is not to settle. Or how to cherish losing someone, because it means you were lucky enough to have them. I realized that I am a dreamer, not a do-er. I finally remembered how much I really enjoy the romance and the words and the poems and the songs. I came to understand the concept of moving forward and why it is so important to take a chance, to cross the line, and to go after what it is you want. I started to understand that I have a lot of resentment in me. And hurt. I began to write again - in this blog - and emptied my head instead of keeping it all in. I spent some of my most favorite times with my grandmother, and I held her hand as she died. I still made a lot of mistakes and did, said, and acted in ways I'm not proud of. I worked harder than I ever worked before. I got to see two of my best friends as a mother. I started listening to what my dreams were telling me, and who was coming to me in them. I allowed myself to cry again, to feel human again. I tried to make amends and close doors. I held on a little longer, and a little tighter than I should have. And I let go...

It's been a wild ride this 29th year of mine. I am looking forward to the new year ahead and I already have this overwhelming peace that I will continue to be blessed - even when the road is bumpy or when the goodbye's seem too much to bear. For all the ups and downs, I wouldn't change a thing. Fact is, I'm starting to like this person I'm becoming - or maybe who I've always been. I'm just starting to get comfortable with the ghosts of the past and the possibility of my future.

And I am happy.

A Time For Giving Thanks

Even with all the ups and downs the last couple of years have afforded me, I still have so much to be thankful for. I wanted to take this time, as we get ready to celebrate Thanksgiving, to say outloud all the things I am thankful for today.

• For my dad aka "Dakota" aka "Switzerland." For the love in his eyes and the span of his arms when he hugs me. And for his phone calls, always on the times when I know he knows I need them most.
• For my mom. For our similarities and the ups and downs that come with our likeness. For all the good she does and for her selflessness. For her loudness so I am always sure to know just where I came from.
• For my sister. For her strength. For her compassion for everyone she knows. For her uniqueness and for everything she has taught me.
• For NB-C & Vee. For everyday. For every conversation. For being my sisters and my family. For believing in me and bringing me back down from the clouds.
• For SEDW & Julia. For you who my life is just better because of. For who we have become since that first day of our meeting. For all of the laughter and tears along the way.
• For my Girl. For the way she snuggles me lately and fills my heart. For her love of squirrels and fondness for roadtrips. For always being happy to see me.
• For my job. For giving me a paycheck while doing something I still enjoy doing after five years. For the friends I've made along the way.
• For my independence. The thing I am everyday most thankful for. Something I always said I was, but never allowed myself to be. For being it every single day for the last thirteen months.
• For my Friend. For making me believe, in something - everything, again. For the last few minutes we had together. For seeing me like I know me.
• For my grandparents (those still here and those who said goodbye). For everything you ever showed me, taught me, shared with me, for my history and for my future.
• For my aunts and uncles and cousins. For my fantastic family who all give me something that makes me, me.
• For my ability to take a chance.
• For being a good person.
• For this blog and what it has meant to me to be able to write it down to get all this non-sense out of my head.
• For being a good friend.
• For Daniel.
• For Joey.
• For love. For hope. For faith.
• For fun weekends with a new group of people...that make you laugh, hard.
• For those Ohio State Buckeyes beating the school we do not name.
• For our time at GC.
• For Gap Long & Leans.
• For quarterly bonus checks.
• For twenty-nine pretty fantastic years.
• For asparagus, waffles, fries, and chocolate...and where they make them best. ;)
• For the way a song makes you feel.
• For dreams. And those who come to you in them.
• For laughter.
• For laughter.
• For laughter.
• For moving forward and letting go.
• For all those darn Pisces. And what they've taught me.
• For beliving in my own reality.
• For tears and the way they make you feel human.
• For crossing the line.
• For losing.

And for everything and everyone, still to come.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Proud to be a BUCKEYE

Well it's officially that time of year for us Buckeye fans. Time for the big game and a whole lot of nail biting, and nerves until the last second has ticked away off the clock...This year it's more than just the game we wait all season for - this year it's a day of reckoning.

Living in the big LexVegas isn't exactly a prime location for this game. Cause see, no one here really gives a damn why we love Woody Hayes, or why when someone says "O-H" we spontaneously reply "I-O." No one understands why we intrinsically are born to loathe that school "up North." Or how we can devote entire restaurant experiences around a college team. Ah, yes. We are Buckeyes and we love our Ohio State football. It doesn't matter if you went to OSU or not...it just is like a right of passage. You are born. You love Ohio State. You are fortunate to have ever lived in Columbus, you are a fan for life. It's in the tradition of game day, the celebration in every victory or the heart break in the RARE defeat (God, I hope I didn't just jinx us). Not to mention the highly circulated emails about how much we despise the school that must not be name, you know...like the 3-year old in his OSU shirt, face painted with the big "O" giving the bird to a supposed rival team fan in the crowd - and how we think that's so precious. There's something to be said about the love of our Buckeye football when the state puts off the final tally of a highly contested election until "after the big game." It's all about your priorities, you know. Or the way you throw your keys on the floor when 24-hours before said big game you come back from lunch and someone says "OH MY GOD, DID YOU HEAR!!!! BO SCHEMBECKLER DIED!!!"

Ah yes. The big game. Numero Uno and that aborhing number 2. Perhaps the biggest game of the NCAA season just a matter of hours away...and my stomach is in knots...my palms are a sweatin' and that team's former beloved coach has just kicked the bucket, giving them more motivation than just about anything.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Well, I'm hoping that a darn fine season, an 11-0 record, a possible Heisman trophy winner, and not to mention the fact that the game is in the "Shoe" (where the fans are as committed to the win as the players themselves) is enough to give us that last "W" and a spot in the BCS Championship Game.

And because it's tradition in that hometown of mine, in honor of Scarlet & Grey day, I've of course got on my OSU Championship sweatshirt from a few years ago, my Go Bucks lucky bracelet, my Buckeye earings, and a pair of red undies on just in case...


You never can be too sure what will clench it for them.



GO BUCKS!

Full Of Useless Information

Do you realize, dear readers, I am now a mere 19 days from the b i g birthday? Crap. I can't believe it's really going to happen.


My Girl has been doing weird things with her animal babies lately. She's been lining them up by her food. Maybe she's trying to spell letters and at the end of the week she will complete a whole word. Maybe she's hoping the raccoon will come back because it's in the same spot he came in at. Maybe she sending out an SOS. "Send Me Back to Grandma's."

She's pretty smart when she wants to be. Ok, she's not. But she's cute.

In other events, I'm not sure how but I keep getting emails from The Biggest Loser Club. You know, that show about the people who lose like their entire fatness in the span of a TV season? Well, somehow they've found me and keep sending me emails. There isn't really anything I can say when the little box for my hotmail pops up "You've Received Mail from The Biggest Loser Club." That doesn't exactly make one feel great. Not only are you a fat ass, but you're a loser too. All in one fell swoop. Neat. Thanks for the reminder.

One of the funniest things from last week came from my cousin KT. She delivered the other half of my grandmother's eulogy - and it was filled with lots of facts about our Mary. This is one of my favorite facts that pretty much solidifies how awesome our Mary was:

-Her political insights: and I quote, “Condaleeza, Condaleeza, Condaleeza—Rice….I hate her.”

My stomach is a mess. It's the big game this weekend. My beloved Buckeyes and that school we must not name. Seriously, it doesn't get anymore nerve racking than this.

That's about all I've got.

In Memoriam

Mary Irene

October 29, 1930 - November 8, 2006

My grandmother, and my good friend died last Wednesday. I was able to pay tribute to her by delivering part of her eulogy at her funeral on Saturday. In order for me to pay tribute to her to the rest of the world, I have posted the eulogy below...To Vee, NB-C, SEDW, Julia, and He :: thank you for your love and support and your words, know that I appreciated it very much ...

Good morning, my name is Natalie and I am proud to have otherwise been known as Mary’s granddaughter.

My grandmother was something to everyone sitting here today. Her true zest for life was undeniable, and infectious. To some she was a friend, to others a teacher. To us, she was a mother, and a grandmother. And maybe what she was best of all - she was a wife.

We come here together today to say goodbye. But this is not a sad day. No, let us not be mistaken for today is a cause for celebration in the life of a woman who became so much to all who had the pleasure to know – and love her.

I wonder if it were possible to measure the success of someone’s life at the occasion of their death. Would you measure it by what they had accomplished? By their devotion to their family? Would you measure it in the number of tears that had been shed, or the sound of laughter along the way? Or would you measure it in the memories – and the countless stories retold from the people who loved them.

The true success of our Mary, was found in all of that.

Our Mary knew us all beyond what we could even ourselves sometimes see.

I don’t think for my whole life or for my life to come that there was ever a better judge of character. She was someone who knew you before you knew yourself – and loved you all the while. And if your name didn’t fit, she would give you a good strong nickname. The strongest of those:

Christopher Robin. Brown Thing. Markus Aurelius. Ta Ta Tee Ta.

Our Mary believed in us and was proud of us, every single day.

There wasn’t a time I spent with her when she wouldn’t tell of an accomplishment of one of her grandchildren – each time I would visit she would tell me about one of my cousins and what they had been doing. She would smile and she would boast about these wonderful grandkids of hers – rightfully so. May you be sure that you always know how proud of you she was. And when she wasn’t there with you, she was always there in spirit.

Our Mary was every day, a teacher.

She believed in her students, whether in the classroom or at the dining room table. She understood how to make you understand or how to make you love to learn. How to never be afraid to try or how to give a clever name to an art project gone ary. She was especially gifted at how to bring people out of their shell and make them soar. Yes, she was a teacher of the highest caliber.

She was a wife who loved her husband beyond the boundaries of the earth and sky. A wife who lifted her husband up when he needed lifting. The mother of four children I happen to think are pretty great. A true partner.

A best friend for 56-years.

And in so many ways she was so much more – she was a storyteller, a prankster, a healer, an artist, a shopper, a believer, a coach, a student, an intuitionist, a singer, a name giver, a fashionista, and boy was she classy.

To me, my grandmother was everything and everyone I hope to one day be. She was everything that was good and right. She just got me. She fulfilled every promise she ever made to me. Loved me like she pledged to love me. Lifted me up higher than I deserved to be lifted. My grandmother believed in me, always.

And at a very early age she passed something on to me that I like to think of as our great bond...A true love for THIS family. A gift for which I am eternally grateful. It’s the tie that binds…

My grandmother was my heart. I am sure of it, for I am quite sure of the way it has broken.

She was our hearts.

And so it goes … Twenty nine years, eleven months, and two days I had with her. What we share now is a common thread all the stronger - the memories we have of our Mary. Memories that remind us of the life she gave us…that life of the most extraordinary kind…

A life filled with lots of love and a bounty full of laughter...

In closing, I’d like to read a poem that I believe may just give us pause as we remember our wife, our mother, our grandmother, our teacher, and our friend:

To Mary - John Clare ::

I sleep with thee, and wake with thee, And yet thou art not there; I fill my arms with thoughts of thee, And press the common air. Thy eyes are gazing upon mine, When thou art out of sight; My lips are always touching thine, At morning, noon, and night.

I think and speak of other things, To keep my mind at rest: But still to thee my memory clings, Like love in woman's breast. I hide it from the world's wide eye, And think and speak contrary; But soft the wind comes from the sky, And whispers tales of Mary.

The night wind whispers in my ear, The moons shines in my face; A burden still of chilling fear I find in every place. The breeze is whispering in the bush, And the dews fall from the tree, All sighing on, and will not hush, Some pleasant tales of thee.

Keep singing Gumball.

The Last Seven Days

I'm a little at a loss for new material lately. Can you tell?

Just a little update....

It's been an interesting week, to say the least. Sometimes when you just let things go, a windfall of good fortune miraculously bestows itself upon you. For the first time in many months, that good fortune seems to have blown my way. Here's the 30,000 foot overview:

I've looked and the Magic 8-ball job forecast has gone from "outlook not so good" to suddenly full of potential. In a nutshell, looks like the promotion I've been hoping for is going to come through for me. It's going to allow me to focus specifically on my specialty, give me more visibility within the company, and even provide the opportunity to travel internationally. Oh, and of course it should provide me with a much needed raise. I'm hoping the red tape will be cut in the next 6 weeks...say a little prayer for me that it goes as scheduled! But it's also nice to be surprised - and it makes me feel good to be considered for positions at other great companies - that although the time may not be right, that there is something else out there someone thinks I'd be fantastic for.

I've opened myself up to moving forward. It seems that a number of factors all seemed to have perfectly aligned themselves so that when the door opened...for the first time in quite awhile, I walked through it instead of hesitating or holding on. That feels good.

I've learned nothing is ever as it seems. That people who hold your heart in their hands often don't realize how fragile it is, how much it hurts when they break it, or how hard it can be to let go. By learning that, I think I'll be more careful next time and also more considerate in the future. Sometimes the hardest thing to be is honest in the way you truly feel. Moreover, that old saying really is true. Honesty is always the best policy.

I've experienced something wonderfully complicated. I found it in He. He the least likely. He whose words touch me in places long forgotten. Whose smile melts my heart. He whose grief makes me want to comfort. Whose eyes make me see something unspoken. He who makes me dream and makes me believe in romance and friendship, and chance. Whose heart makes me believe. And He, who believes in me, too. He and I who are Lost. Yet somehow Found. It is wonderfully complicated.

It has been an interesting week...one I think that will be with me for a long time to come. I think the negative energy may have cleared and the windfall is the result of letting it go. Moving forward and letting go.

Something I should do more often.