I'm in a funk.
Not one of those "Nat's totally lost it, again" kind of funks, but the kind where an inexplicable sadness has fallen over me. I just feel sad, like I've lost my way. The kind of melancholy where I want to change everything. Where I can't run from the sadness because I know it will follow, but where I want to pack up everything and head for somewhere new. Somewhere totally illogical like a small New England town, where I could just get lost in the obscurity. It's a good thing my hair chick is on maternity leave, cause I'd probably cut my hair off and dye it purple if she weren't. It's the kind of sadness you feel for no real reason, or maybe there is a reason, it's just that it is beyond my control. It is the kind where at any point in the day tears will come to my eyes, big ones. The aligator tears. Where a knot wells up in the pit of my stomach and hurts. It's the kind of sadness where you have deja vu in the Atlanta airport, because it's Sunday, and you remember all the trips that have come to an end over the last couple months - how you've found yourself in that airport, once again, on another Sunday, like a lost soul always waiting to come home.
NB-C and I were commenting last Wednesday how this has been such a weird year so far. How it's been full of ups and downs. Highs and lows. Excitement and devastation. When it's been good, it's been great. We've had a lot to be thankful for - a lot that's gone in our favor. But when it's turned around it's been like a stab through the heart. More than we can bear. The age old irony of the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Life's gentle reminders of just how close we come to attaining the things we want most in life, almost like being taunted and teased with them, being so close before they are all too quickly pulled from our grasp.
Just close enough to make you need it...
Just close enough to make you want it more than you ever thought you would...
Just close enough to believe...
Just close enough to make it hurt like hell...
Just close enough to make you fall...
Hard.
5 comments:
I'm right there with you. I've probably cried more in the last two weeks than the last two years.
I need to blog about my sadness and emptiness as well...I just haven't been able to face it.
Hang in there...at least we have each other.
Love you!
I understand wanting to change everything and just dissapear. I'm sorry your filled with sadness...So Sorry....
It must be going around.
I feel fat. I feel bored at work. I feel socially stunted and I feel eternally alone.
I know it's just a funk (why do I think this is a new chorus for Biz Markie?) but I feel like I'm stuck in this mood forever. I feel like I'm getting chubby and boring while everyone else is getting married and having families, and I'm gonna get passed up.
I, too, have fantasies of driving to some motel in Paducah or Parkersburg or Pisgah to read books and watch tv and just zone out to forget about my life.
But I have to remind myself there are some good things working in my life, and so I soldier on and know that tomorrow is going to be better than today.
Hey, I am making a trip to Lex Vegas soon. Would you and NB-C be up for going out?
Oh I've been there. Waves of sadness for no reason what-so-ever.
I'm not saying I like when I get like that but there's something refreshing about it. You need these times in life just to remember how to...feel? A test of your emotions of sorts. Then, when you come out of it, you appreciate the little things so much more.
Not sure if that makes sense, but that's how I always look at it.
It will pass soon enough. Chin up dear. :)
Thanks guys! It will pass soon enough, it always does. In fact, I think the fog is beginning to lift...
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