Old Habits Die Hard

Next time I'm like this will be the true test...

So did I mention that I have only had one cigarette since Sunday? That's right. Sunday approximately at 11:30 a.m. to be exact. I have recently become so disgusted with this habit of mine that I am trying to use the late great unpleasantness (aka my now almost-week-long-illness-that-doesn't-seem-to-be-getting-any-better-with-antibiotics) to just nip it in the bud. Or butt, whatever more appropriate. Almost 4 whole days.

It's now a battle of my psyche...and we all know how stable that psyche of mine is!

Well, the true test is that next Miller Lite I have or glass of Shiraz. I haven't had a drink yet to instigate the musthavecigarettewiththatcocktail habit, but we'll cross that bridge when my sense of smell and or taste buds decide to return...

Sick

You know what sucks worse than spending a perfectly beautiful, potentially fun, much needed long weekend stuck inside your house because you have developed an abundant amount of snot and other fine ailments including a sinus & upper resipitory infection over the last four days?

Here's what:

It being 95-degrees outside, and that must have black leather scorches your ass because you've just been told that the air conditioning in your sleek two-year old car is going to cost $900 to fix because there is a hole in the compressor and because a rock must have hit it, it's not "covered under warranty."

You know what sucks worse than being told that?

Not having a dime to pay for it and having to resort to asking your parents for money.

That's what makes me the most sick.

To be 29.5 and having to rely on anyone other than myself makes me sick. If I'd only taken that business class while at the country club. If only I wouldn't have paid for a small child from a third world country on my credit cards over the last two years. If only I'd learn that my name is not Nat Rockefeller...

Thank God for parents that will still take care of you when you need it.

Just Some Things To Consider For Next Year

Dear. Mr/Ms. Producer of American Idol,

I have to say, I am going to miss Tuesday & Wednesday nights. I feel like I'm losing a friend - after all you've been with me every week since January. As a devoted AI fan, I thought I would mention a few things that may help make the 2007 season better than ever:

• Please get more beautiful bald men like my Chris on next season. I do not need any queer looking men like Ace, Bucky, or God love him, Elliott.
• Please never, ever, under any circumstance get Meatloaf to sing Celine Dion. God forbid he ever ruin "the Greatest Singer in the World's" song by trembling in the first 20 seconds.
• Please do not exploit one's dumbness by doing a mock food session with Wolfgang Puck and one Kelly Pickler pretending to eat escargot.
• Please limit the annoying Ford commericals. It's really sad what you make those people do.
• Please continue to have Coke sponsor so that they can make more enthralling commercials that say "thank you for drinking." Drinking what? Who me? Why, you're welcome! That glass of Shiraz was fabulous last night!
• Please ask Tony Braxton when she turned into a 55-year old smoker man. I am still a little concerned that someone just invaded her body, because I don't remember her being a bass?
• Please, please, please never let a Clay Aiken wanna be almost piss himself onstage by the mere presence of his recently made over and somewhat scary Idol in person. Oh, and while I love the irony of this weird kid with the bad teeth singing with Clay, please next time give them a different song than "Don't let the sun go down on me." There are so many jokes I could make about that.
• While I know you are trying to promote the American Idol tour, is it really necessary to have the medley's? It's just, ewww.
• Speaking of...I never, ever, want to hear Chicken Little single "What's New Pussycat." I mean, that's just cruel. And gross. And I never, ever, want to think of him saying the "P" word.
• I'm sorry, I must have been mistaken. Surely that wasn't David Hasselhoff in the audience, and I must have been wrong to think that I actually saw him CRYING when Taylor was crowned the American Idol. I mean, it may just be me but I think it's overkill...
• Big props to having a surprise appearance by my favorite member of the royal family, Prince.

I think that's about it. Feel free to hire me to be the next Paula Abdul. It would give me a great excuse for that weight loss surgery I'm dying to have.

I'll be waiting for your call.

Sincerely,

The Future Mrs. Daughtry

To All the Men I've Loved Before

It's a funny thing how turning thirty makes you philosophical. It's now official. SEDW turned the big 3-0 on Saturday, and I am the last of the bunch to make the leap into the next decade. It's the final countdown (go ahead and do the little tune from Europe's song - it's ok, I do it everytime). My half birthday is, of course, 6-6-06. (That's for you Julia)

It's also a funny thing what triggers certain thoughts in my head. I started thinking about my love for the opposite sex and just how many men in my life I have loved. Of course, the trigger was the Behind the Music on Guns N' Roses last night as I was falling asleep...Maybe I mistook all those they had "loved" before for my own feeble attempt to explain to myself why I just can't get some boys out of my head. Since I fall so hard and fall so fast, I thought I should take an inventory of just how many there are. So here they are, from beginning to end...I really should get a more productive hobby.

My dad: because he's a kind and decent man and because he allowed me to think that when I was 8 we could start that "father/daughter" construction business

My uncle: for calling me Lizard Lips and for loving me like his own

My Johnny: for all the trips and stories and well, for being my grandfather

Dave J. & Rob B.: for making 7th grade a total hell and for reminding me that guys are total assholes sometimes and that for the rest of my life I would feel inferior because of my weight

Joe, Jordan, Danny, Donnie & Jon: for bringing me into adulthood in a nice clean cut sort of way (please reunite...please, for the sake of all that is good and holy)

Shawn G.: for being the first boy to give me a broken heart

Jason W.: for being the first crush I had in high school, and for being a nice boy - always...And also, in hindsight, probably gay

Matt H.: for making me believe that love at first sight is possible and that two people can really connect immediately

Slash: for that flippin sweet rif at the begining of Sweet Child O'Mine

Jason C.: for bringing out my inner diva and for teaching me how to flirt like hell

Andrew S.: for being my first love, for being a truly good and decent human being, for being the man all others have to ineveitably compare to

Jeremy B.: for being the man I always thought I wanted but never could really hold on to, for my college years, for making me recognize life moments, for romance and butterflies and being almost everything

Jason S.: for being the husband formerly known as mine and for all the good and bad along the way

Will Shakespeare: for the belief of true, all consuming love that knows no boundaries, distance or time

Joel Barish: for teaching me how to hold on and when to let go

Mr. Potential: for coming out of left field and for breaking my heart when I didn't think it was possible to break

Mr. Penny: for making me laugh and for being really close to the man I am looking for

...and so to all those I have yet to love...may you be more than most, less than some, but never anything short of enough.


(oh, it wouldn't hurt if you wore good shoes, smell like Jean-Paul Gautier, be bald and make me hap-hap-happy...)

Seriously

Yes, that is my ass. And yes, it's really that big.

Further proof that anyone over a size ten should never, under any circumstance, wear khaki pants.

I have no idea why I thought it was a good idea to wear them on that day. It clearly should be a sin. This is why.

So I am back from Philly. Didn't see the hot Italian. Though rumor has it he was in town. Sigh. Oh well, word also is that he is engaged. Blah.

So let's see, besides wearing horrible khaki pants, I drank beer.

A lot.

Also, I only had three regular meals the whole time I was there. Two of those were the first day. Didn't want to ruin the buzz, ya know.

If you go, here are some things I'd recommend to do in Philly:

Get a cheesesteak : check

Climb the museum steps fondly referred to as "the Rocky" steps : check check

Drink excessive amounts of microbrews : check check check

Manage to stay away from making an ass out of oneself : FREAKING AWESOME

...more to come.

M.I.A.

Hello friends. It's been awhile. I apologize for my long abscense but I tried to post yesterday, a masterpiece, if you will about my dear love being voted off American Idol. When I hit publish it just all went away, and seeing as the recounting of my beautiful Chris' loss was just too painful I couldn't manage to write it all again.

Not to worry, although there have been may inquiries into my well being after such devastation, I am alive and kicking and trying to think of the bright side. Of course, Tuesday's won't really be the same anymore and the only thing saving me from crawling in a hole is the fact that his beautiful bald head is still all over the internet and television because of his untimely demise.

Sigh.

So I'm headed to Philly on Monday for a tradeshow and I think I would be excited to get out of the grey cubicle hell but I'm so tired I can't muster the energy. I am hoping to spot the Hot Italian customer of mine while in PA which would definitely be worth the trip. Oh how I love Italian men.

The big project of mine is wearing me out combined with all the other projects at work and I'm glad its the weekend so I can step back and take a breath. Lots on my plate right now and I'm just hoping it pays off.

In other exciting news, One of the Boys and his wife had a baby girl last Thursday. She is a beauty and has a ton of jet black hair. Pretty!

Only 3 full weeks to go until the vacay to FLA followed by the trip to Las Vegas. This girl should can use some R&R.

Ya'll have a great week :)

Everything I Needed To Know About Life I Learned From New Kids On The Block

• You Got It (The Right Stuff) - what happens when you meet someone and after a few dates (or drinks) determine they have potential
• Hangin' Tough - what happens when you and your friends are drunk in a bar
• I'll Be Loving You Forever - what happens when you are in high school
• Please Don't Go Girl - what happens when he gets a little psycho
• Cover Girl - what happens when you have a great hair / make up day
• Step by Step - what happens when you go to counseling
• This One's For The Children - what happens when you are the Jolie-Pitt's
• Games - what happens when you meet someone on the internet
• Whatcha Gonna Do About It - what happens when you break it off with him
• Never Gonna Fall In Love Again - what happens when you get divorced
• Let's Try It Again - what happens when you drunk dial
• Didn't I Blow Your Mind - what happens when you keep taking him back
• Dirty Dawg - what happens when he's an ass
• If You Go Away - what happens when you go psycho

Decisions, decisions...

I must figure out where to stay on my trip to Vegas. Don't be jealous, you're welcome to tag along.

Unfortunately, the hotel where the conference is being held is sold out - boooo! So the options on that end of the strip are limited. I need help because I must stay 1) somewhere nice (you know I don't stay in icky hotels) 2) decently priced (company is thrifty), 3) close to Mandalay Bay.

Options:

1) The Luxor

2) New York, New York

3) MGM Grand

Anyone out there have a recommendation for me!?

Hi! Remember Me? I'm Back.

Well friends, it's been an interesting week...I think I should back up so that it all kind of makes sense. My blogs of late have been a bit cryptic so I feel I need to explain. (Oh, and yes, I did find a fabulous website with tons of Sex In The City quotes...)

Let's see, where to begin...

1) Spend weekend before last in state of certifiable depressive state, do not leave house other than to walk crazy dog child, tan (a girl's got to have priorities), and eat ice cream with NB-C. Oh, and work for five hours on big project while watching the Godfather trilogy.

2) Have four hour phone conversation with Vee about cutting the chord with Mr. Penny. Realize this is the source of my discontent. Make plan to politely bow out of unfulfilling relationship on Monday.

3) Politely bow out of unfulfilling relationship with Mr. Penny.

4) Get better direction on a big work project on Tuesday that turns out to be really exciting and refreshes momentum for my otherwise stagnant career.

5) See hottest of all hot men, Chris Daughtry, on American Idol and profess, outloud, my love for him.

6) Get further career advancement opportunity with above mentioned big project and make plans to go to a freaking awesome tradeshow, found and led by yours truly, in of all places LAS VEGAS in June. Giddy!

7) Recieve quarterly bonus that exceed my expectations and allowed me to 1) save money for vacation 2) pay car insurance and car tags 3) have money left over.

8) Go to Columbus to see the fam and get a revelation from Pops (who has a direct line to God) that the disturbing dream I had been having about our old house was indeed haunting me. Additional revelations about my future and NB-C's prophetic gift insued.

9) Hear funny as hell story from my grandmother about an art project of my Pops way back in the day where he procrastinated to the point he worked himself up over it...So she comes to the rescue and draws a man on a piece of paper. She then decides that the man needs to wear a suit so she cuts out all different types of fabric to put over the man. They glue the fabric to the paper and to their dismay realize that the glue has bled through all of the finely cut clothes. My dad cries and she, the consumate teacher, says "Not to worry, we'll give him a great title." And so they craftfully assign this masterpiece as "The Assassination of Calvin Coollage."

Get it?


Of all the events over the last week, I've learned that there is much that holds us back when we can't let go of things that weigh on the heart. There is relief in moving forward instead of staying at a stand still. It allows you to let go of fear and doubt and embrace hope and love. It's the best thing I have learned that I must do for myself.

Letting go sometimes is the best thing any of us can do for ourselves...or for each other.

Forward

Mr. Big: You girls are the loves of her life, a guy is lucky to come in fourth.

Enough said.

Oh, I'm Sure You Know How...

To Love A Woman. Yes, Mr. Daughtry, I bet you do.

I'm sorry I haven't professed my love for you in a couple weeks but I was so upset after last week when you almost got voted off (WTF) I been at a loss for what to say. I noticed last night during your brief serenade that I actually found myself talking, out loud, to myself, about how HOT you are. This week, I was sure not to put fate in the hands of all those other weak-in-the-kneed fans out there, so you can be sure I did my part for all humanity by texting the word "vote" to 5706 and 5712. There is no way I can go through the agony of last week again.

Oh you are yum, yum, yummy.

And yes, I did take pictures of you on the TV...I know, I know. But I told you before - I'm a damn good groupie, and well, this is love.

So here you are - singing on the floor. Yes, that's you dear Chris. On your back with a smile on your face. I'm sorry that my angle is a little off. But I think that was one of the times I was repeating "Oh My God could he be any HOTTER" outloud. I really couldn't belive what I was seeing. Tee hee tee hee tee hee...

GIDDY!!! (Clapping hands, please kind American Idol producers show more of this!)

You are the hottest thing since Jordan Knight performed "Baby I Believe In You" on Pay Per View in 1989...and that's pretty freakin hot.

Letting Go

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." -- Carrie Bradshaw

Well, I did it. I officially cut the chord with Mr. Penny. Yep, told him I was done and done last night. Ok, so maybe not so much in those terms, maybe in a nicer way that rid him from feeling any sort of guilt, but still...I did it. This time on my own terms instead of waiting around for his. And I'm not feeling sparky and I don't think there is a spring in my step, but I am sure I did the right thing. Even so, I don't feel better. I don't feel relieved. I just feel sad.

Knowing you need to take steps forward and taking those steps isn't exactly my idea of a good time. In fact, I've spent most of my life running from confrontation. Confrontation means closing a door and saying goodbye. And well, it's no secret that I have an extremely hard time with goodbyes.

I firmly believe that this problem with goodbyes stems from an entire lifetime spent in the arms or the company of other people. I am almost thirty years old and up until seven months ago, I had never been alone. Saying goodbye for me has always been like someone pulling the strings on my heart and turning on the well of tears in my eyes. Goodbye have always been one of the most real feelings I have. I cry every time, no matter after a simple visit or a goodbye for a lifetime.

Because of this weird issue with goodbyes, I have become a master at letting people hurt me time and time again - forgiving them - until I'm no longer capable of it. I have become great at sacrificing my needs for those of someone else. I have become skilled at excuses. I have, however, always been able to walk away after feeling slighted...but, only after way too long. And yet, I'm horrible at walking away and at letting go before it gets to that point. I feel somehow that I'm giving up.

But giving up on what?

Giving up on them? Giving up on me? Giving up on the idea that inately, people are good and they don't mean to hurt you? Giving up on the ideals that you spend your life building upon in the areas closest to your heart - friends you wanted to keep forever and a good man who makes you laugh but who just can't give you what you deserve.

This is my greatest fault.

Putting the feelings of everyone else before the feelings of my own. It is hard to learn that it's okay to put my own heart before that of someone else's. It's hard learning how to create my own reality instead of letting someone else dictate where it may or may not go. I'm trying to understand that it's okay to walk away before being crushed. I know these things, I'm moving towards these things but it's still not easy getting there. It's still hard to look past the end of the road and know that the journey won't hurt for long.

I still believe, undoubtadly, that the greatest gift in life besides that of love is in losing. When you are lucky enough to lose, no matter what the loss may be, your life really does become filled with mystery again.

And today, well, I guess I'm pretty lucky.

Stuck In Reverse

"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face, And I...
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you."

- Coldplay

All I Want for Christmas...

Well, there's no time like the present to think about what I want for Christmas or my birthday (30) for that matter, this year.

Especially because I finally took the plunge, bit the bullet, cashed in the chips (damn, I hate that word)...I finally have taken a step towards paying the massive amount of debt I have collected over the last year. Woo hoo. So the unofficial celebration date is February 2011. Be sure to mark it down. Of course, I'm hoping to widdle that down no later than February 2010. Nice way to start a new decade and all. Yep. Spent a lot of money. I guess it's not free after all.

Why is it that I don't learn once? What is it about me that makes me learn everything the hard way!

Best line of the day: "Oh, have you been a client here before?"

Enthusiastic reply by yours truly: "Why, yes! Yes, I have...just didn't seem to learn my lesson the first time!"


No credit cards for the next five years.

POW! Beotch

Goodbye GAP. Goodbye Nordstrom. Goodbye Macy's, Pottery Barn, and Crate & Barrel. I'm not sure what I've bought but I'm sure it was good and I'm sure I'm going to miss it a lot more because now I can't play with you. Goodbye expensive dinners & good wine. Goodbye vaca's without a care. Sianora parties thrown for the sake of throwing them. Thanks for the memories...we sure have had a good ride.

Sssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh...............

You mean I'm not Ivana Trump after all? Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

God, I'd love a cigarette for this. And a cocktail. Days like this are made for cigarettes and cocktails.

So all I want for Christmas 2006 (aka all that I would have bought if I had the spending power to do so):

• Vanilla Bean Henri Bendel candles (en masse)
• 5 pairs of tinted authentic GAP Long & Leans
• 10 days in Maui & Kauai or maybe somewhere in Europe (hotel is courtesy of Hilton Honors points and airfare courtesy of Delta, people please--even I have some sense of reality)
• 3 trips to Gulfport to visit Vee.
• 3 trips to Washington DC to visit SEDW & Merriwether as well as the VA fam clan.
• 5-10 pairs of shoes from Nordstroms.
• Maybe a nice little bobble from Tiffany's. Just cause.
• A new bottle of Gucci Rush just in case I run out.
• Hair products. Lots of hair products.
• Oil changes and maybe a tune up for the Honda.
• 5 or 6 more StoryPeople prints. Can you really ever have enough?
• Gift certificates for my nails to get filled. I'm having a tough time figuring out how I'm going to keep this habit up but I just don't see myself letting go of pretty nails.
• Groceries.
• Wine.
• Gas. Gas. Gas. Suddenly, it's become apparent I'll never be able to let my tank go below 3/4 of the way full.
• Make-up.
• Nose job/boob lift.
• Hot boyfriend. (That one maybe I can find on my own, but am glad to accept cash donations to fine online dating site/blind date/parties thrown in my honor/etc./etc./etc.)

For right now I think that should suffice. I'm going to be shopping at Wal-MartS instead of Target (say it with me. . .tarh-jhay). Dining on Roast Beef Ramen instead of Filet Mignon from Malone's, and BOGO'ing at Payless instead of having the latest from my pal Steve Madden or Nine West.

I am so not good at being poor.

Oh wait, I already am.

Rephrase. I am so not good at pretending not to be poor.

I Got Nuthin...

That's right folks. I'm plum out of ideas or fresh concepts to talk about here. I just got nuthin'.

And that includes money.

I got no money either.

In fact, I looked at Wikipedia this morning and next to the word broke, I found a picture of myself. Go figure.

Good news is, I'm going to scrape together some pennies (no, no, silly readers - not Mr. Penny) and go to Siesta Key in June with NB-C, Vee, and Julia. A little girls weekend away at the beach. I can already smell the burnt flesh and stale beer -- all signs of a successful trip with this bunch. NB-C sent an email earlier stating that we will indeed have to buy bathing suits. That should be an awesome experience. Fat. In Spandex. Sign me up.

Yep, taking a little vaca.

It's only been a year since my last one. I think it's time.

And the best part, Julia & Vee & I are making it into a roadtrip. Now, how often do you know 30-year olds (and those soon to be) who think it's way fun to drive 15 hours to the destination of choice? Well, you haven't met us. Julia & I got the bright idea and Vee decided it just wouldn't be the same if she didn't take a train from Gulfport to Hotlanta so she could partake in the long (repeat LONG) journey. Well, we plan to do some sightseeing - you know, break it up a little.

We're picking up the ODB (aka NB-C) somewhere in FLA. I can't help the three letter acronym thing - after all I'm a wannabe techy.

So that's it. That's all I got.

I'm way excited about this trip - I can almost hear Jimmy Buffett now...the sun and the sand...

Well sand is overrated...

But the ocean isn't.

And the company is the best part.

Always Changing Probably

I wanted to follow you

Down to your well-furnished cave

And to laugh at your art

I wanted to tell you the truth

But I’m always afraid

That you’ll be torn apart

Oh, say the word

And I’ll tell you you’re wrong

Oh, say the word

I’ve been waiting too long

But when you talk

There’s nothing to hear

I’m always changing

You’re too far or too near

I wanted to tell her the truth

But I’m always afraid it’s not in her heart

I wanted to say how I felt

But I’m always afraid

That she’ll stop when I start

Oh, say the word

When we’re there at her home

Oh, say the word’cause

I don’t want to be alone

But when she talks

She’s all that I hear

How can I help it

You are always too near

--Toad the Wet Sprocket

It's official. I am crazy.

I mean that in the nicest way. But yes, I think I might be certifiable. NB-C pointed out I am being a little whacko and I think she might just be right.

It's spring. My beloved spring. The time when you look out the window and see the sun and just smile...

Anna Nalick said it best..."winter just wasn't my season."

There is something about spring that makes me crazy. But this year, it's kind of taken crazy to a whole new level. And not in the good way. Right now, it seems I'm sort of caught up in it. Drowning in the realness of it. I'm back inside my head, where there is lots of noise and no one is talking but me.

See. Crazy.

The story goes like this:

Last year spring bloomed and I was newly free - caught up in a oblivious - yet blissful - whirlwind from my Waiting to Exhale - it is trash - fleeing from the husband formerly known as mine. I was reborn into the world. I was free. I was happy for the first time in years. I was content to be alone and to absorb energy from everyone. It was great.

This spring came with a tinge of sadness. For the first time in 12 months I realized I was alone. Alone and feeling sorry for myself. And where being alone was so satisfying for all those months before, somehow, as the trees bloomed and as the days extended into night, I realized my solitude. All of a sudden, that apartment I spent so much time in - gratefully - throughout the winter has become a prison.

It's the great irony.

And yes, I am freaking out about turning 30. Me, the baby of the bunch. The suddenly single-in-the-city girl. The one who has all of a sudden heard that biological clock ticking loud and clear. And the one who has suddenly lost that numbness of never wanting to be married again. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.

So my girls came to the rescue yesterday. (Thank you) As they always do. They always know - and it was even in Vee's horoscope.

And so, to quote another great line from one of my favorite movies (I'm all about the quotes today):

"YOU MUST CHILL! YOU MUST CHILL!"

So I think I'm just gonna chill for awhile, be one with spring and try to come up with my own fun. I need a hobby. An inexpensive hobby. Perhaps that should be the little voice that goes "Get your ass back to the gym since you are paying for it anyway."

Oh, by the way, NB-C has convinced me to not go back to the world of online dating...

just yet.

Oh Happy Day!!!

I just received the greatest news! My oldest and dearest friend Slimy is pregnant!!!

She is having a little boy and is due August 26th!!!

Tossing In The Chips

I can't believe I just said the "C" word. I feel dirty.

Anyway, friends...I know, I know I am indeed the great "flip/flopper," especially as it pertains to Mr. Penny. However, I have decided that I must return to the world of online dating. UGGGGHHH. I am just too bored. I am tired of sitting at home, alone, every week night and weekend. Mr. Penny says I don't like to be alone "because I was married." Let me state this loud and clear, just so everyone gets it...I am much less lonely now than I was when I was married. I just happen to be extremely bored and there are so few people available to play with me. Oh, by the way, I am tired of fighting for attention.

It's spring and there is much to do, and I'm so bored having to do it all alone, all the time.

The longer this ambiguity goes on between Mr. Penny and I, the more pissed off and frustrated I get. So, I'm not quite saying goodbye - no, I'm sure next week I'll post about him being wonderful - but I'm going to have to be practical here and be proactive in pursuing something/someone else. It makes me kind of sad, really, but you know, I refuse to put all the power in his hand. If Mr. Penny isn't ready for a real relationship, so be it. But I am. I'm not getting any younger and thus, I don't have three years to wait around for someone to decide whether or not I'm worth having a future with.

I want so badly to give Mr. Penny the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes you gotta call a spade a spade and sometimes you can only do so much to put yourself out there before you realize that its never going to sink in. Sometimes you still have to take steps forward, because not only am I worth more - someone out there is waiting to fall in love with me for all the right reasons. I might as well try to give that person a chance.

So it's time to start wistfully crafting the old profile - hell, at least working on the magical combination of words will give me something to do, which is more than I can say for Mr. Penny.

Sigh.

Bored

that's my vee

I'm having one of those days. You know the kind. When nothing in the world can hold your attention for more than say, 10 consecutive seconds. Yes, that kind. Today I am bored. Bored, bored, bored. I've been trying to complete just one task I need to today, but I am rendered completely useless. Even IMing isn't satisfying me and well, that usually tides me over till the whistle blows. Nope, not today. Today I keep thinking how I need a vacation. How I wish I were in D.C. right now. How I wish I were playing with Merriwether & SEDW in that favorite city of mine. How I should just get in the car and go so I can see my family in Virgina, too. Today, I am not concerned with the tasks listed on my to-do list, rather when I get home, what I'll have for dinner and what is on TV because I'm feeling pretty fat. I'm concerned right now by these utterly-delicious Cadbury mini-eggs that are sitting on my desk beckoning me to eat them. Bite into that delightful crunchy shell and let the marshmellowy chocolate disolve in my mouth. Wow. I must be PMSing, I don't even like chocolate. I am kind of sad today, because I realized that in 8 months and 1-hour, 41-minutes I will be 30. I need a kiss. And a hug. And I'm feeling kind of needy today. I'm wondering how on earth they thought Meredith Viera would be a good replacement for Katie Couric on the Today show. Ann Curry is so much better, and come on, you're replacing an avid philanthropist for someone who hosted Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. I can plan events and cook pretty well. Do you think they'll give me a show on the Food Network. I am also broke. Broke, Broke, Broke. $106 in the old checking account and counting down until the tumbleweeds roll through and the crickets chirp. Keeneland opens tomorrow and I have spent the better part of the week convincing myself how I do not need to spend the remaining balance in my checking account on $2 bets on the jockey in pink or the oversized cups of cold Miller Lite. Sigh. Soon I’ll be facing a life without credit cards, sigh, and probably a second job. Sigh, sigh. I need new clothes but I’m sure my mother’s pity factor has grown thin and she probably won’t cough up $200 bucks so her poor daughter could buy some capri pants and maybe some fun skirts at the Gap. Sigh, sigh, sigh. Abby is shedding a lot lately. Each day I go home it looks like she’s exploded all of her hair on the mini-me couches in the Hobbit House. I just had to buy red couches. She’s going to be pissed because today isn’t a good day for a squirrel chase and after 4 days in a row, she’s gotten smart enough to think it’s become a routine. Yes, poor Abby is just going to just be mellow and fat with her mom tonight. 8 months, 1-hour and 24-minutes remain until I turn 30. My skin is starting to age and its kind of depressing. It’s kind of lizardy looking these days. That’s so hawt. I wish it were warm enough where you could sit outside and enjoy the breeze today. I wish I were at my PZ's lake house drinking a nice vino and catching up on all things sentimental. I wonder if it's possible my youngest cousin will be 12 on Sunday. I was a size 6 when he was born. I need a vacation. And a pedicure. That would be great. I wonder how Mandisa got voted of American Idol last night. I really didn't see it coming. I've decided my B.F. Chris really doesn't like the other contestants. He just tolerates them because he is so much better than everyone. Even though that Pickler girl is a ditz, I did learn that she says "sal-mon" the same way I do. That is redeeming. If Vee comes to play in LexVegas next week we are so poor that we are going to have to smoke Barclay cigarettes and drink white zinfandel out of a Franzia box-o-wine. Awesome. I wonder if NB-C is having fun in the rain at opening day at the Legends. We can't all have perfect days on our vacations (come back). Qdoba was free today at lunch. Only spent $2.30 for it because of my reward club card or whatever. That was the best quacamole & Coke I ever paid for. Yawn. 8 months, 1-hour, 7-minutes....

My Little Piece of Heaven

Well hello, lover.

I have to admit I was a little tardy to our date last night because I got swept away by the Godfather III that was on TV last night. I must have temporarily become insane to have missed even 30-seconds with you...but alas, there isn't much that will keep me from dreaming of an Italian man - and the Godfather does always seem to suck me in every time...Enough excuses...It's kind of weird because each time I see your face, my stomach aches and I kind of get these butterflies because you just, remind me of...Well you are just beautiful. I'm not going to lie. And I know, I know, you're singing these stirring renditions of Keith Urban and Johnny Cash subconsciously for me, longing for the day when we can be together...and so I'll wait, patiently. I've gotten good at waiting.

And so, until tonight - again, you are yummy.

XOXO,
N