Meet Me In Montauk

Pardon the Interruption...

Just got the best news of the last few weeks and I am giddy...GIDDY!

The French hottie who giggles at me when I look at him (even in serious conversation) is coming back on Monday. Did you hear me? MONDAY!


AND, the best part?


He's freakin staying the whole month. THE WHOLE MONTH.


Shit.

I nevah' been so 'hoppy in my 'hole liiiife.

Well, that maybe a tad bit of an exaggeration. But STILL!


Yep. I'm a dork.
Don't rub it in.

It's the small things in life that give me the most pleasure. Well, that's not entirely true. Bygones.

Time For A Change

I started blogging in January of 2006. And it's been a really great way for me to get the things that were stuck inside my head, out and available for the world to see. Granted, there are only a few of you out there who read it consistently, a handful more who find me by chance and check back in every so often, and there are those who find me by Googling "Whitman," or "Is this as good as it gets," or my recent favorite - and one I've contemplated blogging about - "Can laughter give enough fuel to live?"

My blog is my journal, my diary...it's a lot of what is going on around me, or what I'm milling over at any given point in time. It's very simply, just who I am. There are stories about things that are very personal to me, like my divorce, like the death of my grandmother, like the people and places and events that my journey has afforded me over the last year and a half. I put myself out there, knowing it can be found, knowing that at any given point in time I could say the wrong thing or hurt the wrong people.

And even though I tend to get a bit windy, there are a lot more stories, experiences, and happenings I choose not to include. There is a lot I don't say, mostly because the information can be misconstrued, misundertood, misinterpreted. What is more, what I don't say is because I am censoring myself from the admission of what I don't want people to hear because it means acknowledging things I'm not quite ready to say outloud. There are certain things a girl must let her heart and mind contain. There are certain friendships that must be protected. There are apologies you can't always make online. There are certain times when you just can't expose all the details of your life.

In recent conversations about this little blog of mine, I've become aware of what these words can do if taken in the wrong context, or if stumbled upon by unprepared eyes. How maybe my words for all of you to read can be blasphemous or hurtful. All I can say is that there are some posts in here, like the ones I've labeled as "Take Another Little Piece of My Heart," whose relevance lasts perpetually. Most of the other is only relevant for the precise time I'm writing in. The difference is, I don't go back and tell you how the story ends up. I don't tell you how the arguements end, where the resolution comes, or when it is I let go.

Just trust that the people I write about are those whose friendships are the most significant to me. And that no matter how the friendship came to be, that they are there for a reason, that they matter to me or they wouldn't weigh on my mind, and that most of the time...most of the time, the resolution comes to pass.

So with that being said, it was time for a change to the look of this blog. A time significant not only because of my recent move, but because to anyone reading this, you should understand these terms, if you choose to keep reading. You should understand that this is how I express myself. This is how I say to you what it is I need. This is what is going on in my life at this time. This is where my heart is spilled out. Happy. Sad. Pissed. Reflecting. Acknowledging. Whatever. This is where you, dear reader, are perpetually a part of me. And I pledge to you, that in this change, the stories that may include you will be censored with the same guard as I sometimes give to myself. At least I will try.

To those of you who read me, thank you for being a part of me and loving me anyway. To those of you who just found me, or to those who understand anything you've read here, may you know our souls likeness is closer than you think...may you know, you've found a friend.

Cheers,
Nat

Natology

(thanks, Kate)

Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Lemon juice & olive oil.

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Wendy's.

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. PF Chang's for widespread appeal. Still looking for that favorite here.

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. 20% or whatever rounds up most effectively.

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick off of?
A. Undoubtadly, potatoes.

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. Mushroom, bacon, onion, cheese.

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. Butter.

Q. What is your favorite type of gum?
A. Eclipse Spearmint.

TECHNOLOGY

Q. Number of contacts in your cell phone?
A: Guessing, fifty? Probably more.

Q. Number of contacts in your email address book?
A. For those I regularly email, 20.

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. Roses.

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. That would be deux. And yep, it's only 702 sq. feet.

BIOLOGY

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. Right-handed.

Q. What’s your best feature?
A. Eyes. I use them to make cute French boys giggle.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. A mole the size of a pencil eraser that left a 1 inch scar on my ass. Hawt.

Q. Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
A. Does intuition count?

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. 2-years ago.

Q. What is the heaviest item you lifted last?
A. My suitcase.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Only when I got hit by lightning.

BULL[CRAP]OLOGY

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. Torn on this subject. Think I'll just keep livin' like I was dyin'...

Q. Is love for real?
A. Not sure at present. Maybe love is something different to everyone. Maybe the idea of love is the only thing I am in love with...the only thing I am capable of really loving.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. Isabella. And I'd want to be called Izzy.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Blue. What do I wear? Black.

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. Technically, no?

Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?
A. No.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Saved my heart, maybe.

DAREOLOGY

Q. Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
A. Heck yes I would.

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. Yes.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000
A. Doubt it. Although, it would pay off my debt.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. Are you kidding, real therapy would cost me a lot more than that! Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. Might be a little awkward for the readers, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. Two words: plane ticket. Yes.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. Not for a billion.

Q. Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
A. I'd try. Though success is questionable.

DUMBOLOGY

Q: What is in your left pocket
A. No pockets.

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A: Tops in my book.

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A: Carpet.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A: Is that a trick question? Depends? Only when convienent? WTF?

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A: Not anymore. I don't want anybody's stuff integrated into mine. Still pondering and am open to negotiation should the right roommate be found.

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A: 7+/-

Q: Where were you born?
A: NashVegas, TN

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A: Not in a long time, thankfully.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: Rich. Thin. Surgically altered. A mother. (In no particular order, of course).

Q: Who is number 1 on your top 8
A: NB-C.

LASTOLOGY

Q: Friend you talked to?
A: SEDW.

Q: Last person you called?
A: Vee.

Q: Person you hugged?
A: My aunt.

Q: Person you kissed?
A: I should let your minds wander from what I'm not saying...

Q: Number?
A: 3 or 5. Five is my life path number so it out weighs the 3.

Q: Color?
A: Blue.

Q: Season?
A: Fall.

CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Missing someone?
A: Always.

Q: Mood?
A: Tired. Pensive.

Q: Listening to?
A: Check the right side, check the bottom. One of the two.

Q: Watching?
A. Myself fill out another survey.

Q: Worrying about?
A: Nothing, surprisingly. Absolutely, nothing.

RANDOMOLOGY

Q: First place you went this morning?
A: To the park.

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A: See Vee.

Q: What’s the last movie you saw?
A: Wild Hogs? Terrible airplane movie.

Q: Do you smile often?
A: Yes, indeed.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: Most of the time. Till I have to whip the bitch out.

Q: Now that the survey's done what are you going to do?
A: Review a few more contracts.

Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followed by “ology.”

Censorship

Observations

Hi,

I haven't been very good about keeping up my blog recently, so to those who check regularly, sorry for the lack of fresh content. I don't know if it's that I don't have anything to say, that I don't know how I feel, or if it's just that I'm so darn tired these days that I can't keep up with this thing, too. Maybe it means my life is a taaaaad bit more exciting or that I'm finding more to do. Although, I'm not sure that's true either. Life is better here. Yes. But there is a trade, and some days that trade takes its toll.

I miss my job. I miss that company. I miss my friends from that company, and those other friends from the last 9 years in Lexington. But I don't miss the expansive lonlieness that that city filled me with. I don't miss the way I felt there. All. The. Time. Just kind of empty, just kind of sad.

I'm having a tough time getting used to this new job. It's not that I can't do it. It's that the people are so different, so kind of cold in some ways. They just don't feel like my old friends. And I remind myself that it's new, and it was months before the last felt comfortable...months, a year maybe before I really made my mark. Years before I would feel the ease I left with. It was a good ease. A familiar. Comfortable. Wonderful ease.

There hasn't been a day that has gone by where I have looked back, and this isn't one either. I am so happy that I am here. I am so happy that I did this, for me. And I know that this is where I was meant to be all those years ago. Here. Surrounded by this familiar, comfortable, wonderful ease...

So from where I'm standing, this is what I've observed so far:

• I wish my bank was here. I hate my new one. The online banking is a nightmare and I just wonder how long it will be before I inadvertantly bounce a check because the bill payment is effed up.
• I got a tick in my hair and flipped out on Tuesday. Or, should I say, I found a tick attached to my head and flipped out on Tuesday. Just a dog tick. I think. So now am patiently waiting to get Lyme disease. That is until Vee, in her best-pulled-out-of-her-ass accent said "Well shhhhiiiitttt Naaaaaaaat! I used to get those all the thaaaayyymmee when i was a keeeiiiiddd." We laughed so hard I forgot that I might be dying.
• I now know what it's like to go to the Rolls Royce of tanning beds. It's hella expensive, and the fans will blow you away. So far, after two visits, only my face seems to get color. I think it's a scam. But nonetheless, I'm sold.
• Meeting fabulous bloggers is fun. It's amazing how much you can have in common with people you never met, but who are shockingly not that different from you. Especially when it comes to getting into conundrums. Or however you spell it.
• When you actually have plans, you actually get asked by other people to do things.
• Hanging out on a Saturday night with your aunt and uncle in the hot tub admiring the universe is a damn good way to spend an evening.
• Is it prettier here? Cause I'm pretty sure it's flippin' gorgeous and I'm pretty sure that I love it.
• Travelling through Dulles blows. B-L-O-W-S. Hello extremely busy, completely outdated, could-it-take-any-longer-to-get-my-stuff/ass-back-to-the-main-terminal?
• And I'm not a fan of United. For the simple reason that I finally made mediallion on Delta, and now I'm a nobody on United. Case in point, a 5-hour plane ride from LA to Dulles, middle seat, wedged between two very large people, and behind a 20 year old who kept insisting his seat went back farther than the legs behind it would allow. That is until I asserted my pissiness and said "Um, just so you know, my legs can't get shoved up my ass any farther." He sat his seat up and didn't budge or dare look at me the rest of the way.
• I need to take a French class. Also, I would really like to attend this little soiree but what does one wear to such a fete? Who can I con into going with me? What is colorful cocktail attire entail? If it's not black, I don't really know what to do. Palms get sweaty. Start shaking a little. I do believe the German Embassy event would be fun as well. You know, I have goals and all.
• Target is too close for my own good. If you can walk there (and yep, I have) it probably means you should never carry your purse with you. Because, you know how the Tarjay is. You go in for one thing, come out with 15-sudden must haves.
• Two words: Trader Joe's. Three more: 3 buck chuck.
• I really need some color on my walls. Pronto. The cream is sucking the life out of me. And I'd really appreciate a decorator to come in and spruce up my tired furnishings/decor. For free.
• Large marketing teams should be more efficient then some that will not be named.
• Favorite dog owner's line: "My dog is friendly. Is yours?" Yep. She's friendly alright. That is until your larger then her dog tries to make friends and she squeals like the little bitch she is. Boy that makes me happy, every single time she does it.
• Wait a minute. You mean to tell me I walk an hour a day, on average, eat nothing/don't eat out at lunch, and I'm not losing a pound? An inch? Whhhaaaaaaattt?????
• Is it wrong the 5:00-11:00 lobby guy is kind of cute? Is it wrong that I called Nanny Jo on the beotch across the hall from me because her screaming/out of control children are asses and they need to have the smack down? Is it wrong I no longer find taking an elevator to go outside a problem? And neither does Abby?
• Fabulous hair chick: I got a new do. And I love it. But, you can/will never be relplaced by the 80-pound woman who insisted I pick out a color and cut before doing anything to it.
• Why is it that you are half a world away and the universe still sends me messages and thoughts of you? How can it be that on one plane I see the word "Antwerp" in my reading materials. It jumps out at me almost as much as a stolen glimpse, catching only the word "Montmartre" did in the newspaper of my neighbor on the plane home.
• Did I really move to a place where the closest thing to a bar I have is that in which the majority of the space is a restaurant? Really? And it's true that you can still smoke in them here? Seriously?
• I wonder what's been going on in Lexington? I wonder if those friends miss me as much as I miss them. Cause, boy do I miss them.

Cheers,

N

If Virginia is For Lovers...

Then what on earth could Paris be for?

Cause see, if I would have stayed in LexVegas, I would be in Paris right now...I still can't believe I gave it up.

Oui! C'est ça.

I would have been back in my favorite city of lights...and instead I'm heading to the city of Paris Hilton on Thursday. Oh. My. God. The irony is almost profound.

Wait, don't I work for a French company now?

Scratching head...

I suppose it's better this way. After all, this time it would have been a lonely trip, it would have lacked those big brown eyes I had become so accustomed to getting lost in.

C'est la vie, mes amies. C'est la vie.

PS: Speaking of, my Belgian, this one is for you. Found it a week or so ago at a bar not too far from me...thought you would get a big smile out of this...if it would have been on your birthday, and wouldn't have cost $45 to attend, I probably would have gone. I settled for proudly telling the waiter that I had, in fact, been to Ghent. You would also be glad to know they had Delerium on tap...But, instead I had a pint of Stella...cause well, you know how I love the Stella...

Theme Song

I can't find a prettier boy

Okay,I've been waiting for this song to be on You Tube forever and now it is. Yay. You will have to look at his royal prettiness, my boy Paolo. Mmmmm, pretty. This is my favorite of his songs...

Multitudes

It seems there are places and times in your life where you are naturally more reflective and conscious of just where your place in this world is. Sometimes its because of a million little things that just add up and all of a sudden you realize that where you are isn't because of chance. But because of the footprints you've left for days, weeks, months, years before. Sometimes its because people come and go...love you and leave you. You realize more than just the happenings of the day, but the happenings of a journey, and you see the stepping stones that were laid out before you - instead of looking at them with eyes and a heart that couldn't figure out their path. You acknowledge that there is something bigger than you at work. A force greater than your logic can explain. Maybe you understand the reason. You give it pause, and thanks, and remember what it's like to have faith...

To have hope.

To embrace the beauty of learning and brushing off that jaded being you had become. You stop being cynical and start again, just because you finally can take a deep breath, exhale, and do it all over again. You realize you have just continued learning. You realize you just made it through. Your tears dry and you quietly come to understand that the reasons for them were bigger than you can ever grasp, and you find peace within. You smell fresh Honeysuckle in the air and you savor its sweetness and the way it seems to be omnipresent now. You stop equating that favorite scent with the name of the street on which a faded memory stands, where you once lived. Because it now signals what it means to move forward, to go for what you want instead of settling. That enveloping scent means that fear didn't stop you. It now signals that you are capable of more than you know. That you can. What's more, it means that you did.

Suddenly, you look up at the sky and you realize your tears of the past were from the fear of the doors closing, instead of the joy for those being opened up in front of you...Those doors that seem to beckon your presence to walk through them. As if someone were there showing you the way...

The way to...

A new place of self assuredness. To serenity. To empowerment. To choice. To celebration. Towards the unknown. New places. New adventures. New ways. Endless possibility. To greater self-reliance. Inner peace. Family. Re-discovery. Challenge. To continue the journey. To move forward. On to where you always wanted to be.

On the way to something fantastic...

...That place you've been looking to find for so long... a road on which the time has been short, but where just around the corner you can tell that it is beginning to look like, to feel like...


Home.

Relocated

...And happy.


I've been lacking a computer and therefore am unable to update about all the changes in the last week. But I'm here. And all is well. Start the job on Monday and looks like I'll head to ATL on Thursday and then to LA next Thursday and Friday. I would say the next few weeks are going to be a whirlwind. Thankfully, I went from the Hobbit House 40502 to a Deluxe Apartment in the Skkkyyyyy...so I've had a couple afternoons of R&R at the pool...

My Girl is enjoying a multitude of walks each day, and is settling in better than anticipated. We're in 702 sq. feet of hotel, er, apartment living bliss. Big change, but the right change...at the right time.

Lots to do and lots to take advantage of. I'm sitting here at SEDW's on a Friday afternoon, just cause. Cause I can. Cause I live here now. Finally.

:-)

Yay.

More to come when I have my own PC again, but to you who were wondering...I'm here.

The fantastic is just around the corner now...

Much to tell. More soon.

Fragile: Handle with Care

You know that feeling you get when you are so overwhelmed with anticipation and the desire to just stay a little longer...that feeling that makes your stomach have that slightest tinge of wonderment. I think that is what I feel today. Seven days left here. Seven days which will go by too quickly. Where the sound of laughter from those who I have come to know will begin to fade. Seven days where I will know the shortcuts and troubled traffic patterns. Where the friends made over the past few years will wish me well, will be sad to see me go, and who will cheer for me along the way. Seven days left of shared memories - stories or songs or nicknames mixed with laughter from those they mean something to. Leaving LexVegas is not a goodbye, it's just a see ya later...

I am ready to go. I am ready to embrace my future. I am ready for the challenges ahead. I am ready for the fantastic to happen. I am ready to begin again, to try a little harder, to love a little more, and learn how to continue to move forward instead of looking back. For this moment, I have put the brakes on my tears. There is much ahead, there is much in store. Life is too short to be sad. It's true that I am a trainwreck most of the time and maybe a basket case, too. But I am moving forward. As I have said before: I am still learning.

So my peace has come back to me, and the tears are now three days gone. I've had three people and a little too much on my mind, so these are the things I need to say before this chapter closes.

I miss you, dearest friend. I hope you will one day forgive me. I know life has us on diferent paths right now, but I understand a little better than I did before. Especially over the last couple of weeks. Please know that there isn't a day that I don't miss hearing your voice on the other end of the line or the sound of your laughter. I want to tell you that I'm moving next Friday and I want to ask if you would like to go to lunch before I go. It's not that I'm running from you. It's because I can't say your name without crying. It's because the loss of you has profoundly impacted me. It's because I'm scared that all I'll do is cry and beg for your forgiveness. That's why I haven't called. Because leaving you behind hurts like hell.

My Belgian. Thank you for giving me perspective, and for being a true and good (great) friend. For showing me that I can open up my heart, and why that is so important. You have been the one person who has inspired me to follow my dreams, to create my own path, to live again. I don't know why, I don't know how, but I do know that it is because of you. So this is my pledge to you: I promise that I will be here for you and I'm not going to push you away, you are one of the most important people in my life and you will remain so, always. I will be thinking of you on Monday and wishing I were able to be there for you.

These are the words I need you to hear. These are the words I want you to read and understand that they are for you:

the stillness in your eyes,

convinces me that i,

i don't know a thing,

and i've been around the world,

and i've tasted all the wines,

a half a billion times

came sickened to your shores,

you show me what this life is for

i wanna dance with you,

i see a world where people live and die with grace

the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace

i wanna dance with you,

i see a sky full of the stars that changed our minds,

and lead us back to a world we would not face

in this altered state...in this altered state

full of so much pain and rage,

you know we got to find a way

to let it go

The two of us have shared a long road these last few months. It's been a good journey, a good ride. And one we've gotten through, together. So, thank you for that. And thank you for giving me the ability to look towards the future, towards possibility, towards life...

And finally, to the one who calls me his best friend. I am over it. I am over being second best to everything and everyone. I am over the commitment phobia for even the slightest decision to be made, like buying a plane ticket, helping me pack, going to lunch, or anything else. You are selfish and I have had enough. You don't deserve my friendship anymore. And not because of what you told me. But because I seem to be so easily replaced by you. Guess what, babe, I am irrefuckingplaceable. You were right, something fantastic is going to happen when I move. It will be me, without you. It will be me focusing on me, not on you. It will be filled with more people who give than who take and that will be a welcome change. You have hurt me immensely this week. Perhaps it's just because you don't want to see me go, but guess what. I am not just a convenience. I have been a loyal and loving friend to you. You know that, but you don't give that in return and so there is no room for you any more. Not on this ride. Not this time. Sorry. Find someone else to mind fuck for awhile. Oh wait, you already have.

...And in seven days I will pull away from the apartment, the friends, the job, the life formerly known as mine. I will be reborn into my thirties and I will begin somewhere new, in a place I used to dream about. It's going to be hard. It's going to be scary. It's going to be me going for it, me growing up, me closing the door and taking a leap of faith. It's exciting and it's surreal. It's me becoming me.

Me.

Hmm. I sure like that sound of that.

Soap Box

Is it wrong that what I find so terribly heinous about this country is that with all of the issues we face nationally, let alone the perception of this country internationally, that the most important story our media can find the time to cover is Paris Hilton's impending jail time?

May I state, that I do not care if there are 22-days left until she heads the pokey. May I state, that she spelled "sign" like a 5-year old on her website, pleading her legions of fans to "sihn" a petition for reversing these charges. And we care, why? Can I just say.

OMG.

I AM SOOOOOOO over this.

Tell me more about how we should be driving Hybrid cars. Or reducing our overall consumption of our natural resources. Tell me how I can realistically pay $4.00 a gallon for gas this summer, or if there are companies expanding the use of bio-fuel to combat this problem. Please tell me how we manage to impeach a president for his personal, not professional, actions but do nothing about a president who basically tells this nation to F off on a daily basis by acting soley on his own agenda and not that of the millions of Americans who pay his salary. I wonder if the parents of the soldiers in Iraq have a problem with the fact that their sons and daughters are over there fighting, seeing unimaginable things, and all we have to talk about is a freaking socialite's driving on a suspended license. Where are our priorities? When did we stop being civic minded, and start getting so caught up on total crap. It's mindless fodder. It's trash.

And although I love me some celebrity gossip, there is a time and a place where it belongs. Contained to 30-minutes during Extra. 6 blog pages at a time on perezhilton.com. But not on the front page of the newspaper. Not on CNN, MSNBC, or even that blasphemous FOX News. There is so much happening in this country, in this world that is so much more worthy of our time and attention than how poor Miss Paris will fare, or not fare, in the slammer.

Somehow there are no words

I keep trying to write, something. But I can't. I can't find the words. Or formulate a logical thought. I've been second guessing a lot. And crying over everything. I am so overwhelmed by emotion, both happy and sad that it just feels like everyone is talking and nothing makes sense anymore. I feel an incredible amount of loss this past week and a few days. I have lost all things familiar, all that is no longer mine.

I lost my best friend, because of words that were too easily said and not heartfelt when they counted the most. I lost the contentment I had comfortably held from a distance, the hope, the dream, no longer to be shared. Today, trusted my instinct and learned that after a year and a half the one who calls me his best friend, still holds my friendship at an awkward distance. I silently recounted an anniversary, that should have six years later meant something more. Walked away from the job that felt more like home to me than anything else in this town. Opened the door to a bright future. Threw away pictures from my wedding, honeymoon, from the first love, from the old friends whose faces I no longer knew. I threw away my wedding dress, veil, shoes, and everything else associated with it (sorry, mom). I held higher expectations than I should have.

From. Everyone. Who. Meant. Anything. To. Me.

If ever there were time for a change to happen, I am convinced that right now is that time. As scared as I am to go, I almost feel a sense of relief. It is as if I am being smothered by every mistake, every ounce of trust, every memory good and bad, day in and day out. Bittersweet, it seems I have never felt more alive and more alone than I do right now. And for the relationship side of this I have no one but myself to blame. I have trusted and believed longer and more than I should have. I have opened my heart and re-opened old wounds. I have not been a friend to the one person I never wanted to lose, hurt, or let go of. I cry all the time, as if to say to myself: Enough.

And so I wait for the days to wash over me and the solace to once again come. I dream of the day where life begins again and the hurt and the sadness goes away as quickly as it came. I forgive myself for my mistakes, and I try coming to terms with those who I must let go of, and I know that there is much ahead...and that comforts me. But I still can't help but wonder how I have landed in such a time of change or why everything that has been anything to me is coming to an end, within days of each other. I still can't help but wonder what kind of restitution I am being forced to pay or if the person I thought I was, isn't really me at all. There must be some kind of explanation. There must be some bigger reason why the one person I want to see me off on my journey won't be there to say goodbye. Some reason that the dream I used to believe in wasn't quite real enough to stay in. There must be some reason that he still can't be honest with me. There must be some validity in my decision to move forward. So much so, that it was easy for me to say "time to go." I keep waiting for the epiphany to come. I keep looking within, trying to find the answer to the question I keep asking myself: What is it about me, that makes me, so easy to let go of...

Because it seems everyone, including me...is.

Though It's Not Easy To Tell You Goodbye...

I resigned this morning from the company I have called home for the last five and a half years. I'm moving to Reston, Virginia at the end of the month.

Breaking away.

Finally.

On to new challenges. New faces. New hopes, fears, and dreams. Far from the memory of the people I have loved, lost, hurt, and those who have hurt me. Far from the memory of the husband formerly known as mine and the life I settled for. Away from countless people who have become my friends over the last 14-years in LexVegas. A hard place to leave, but to a new world of possibility ahead.

For the first time I'm doing something significant and taking control over my future - and knowingly doing so. Acting, instead of talking. Taking charge instead of it taking charge of me. This is a good thing. And I'm ready to go...

I'm ready to move forward with my own life instead of the lives of others. I'm ready to forget the ghosts of the past, the daily reminders of the men who have broken my heart, and those who broke my spirit. Ready to break away from the memories of those who almost loved me enough...

Tomorrow would have been 6 years to the day that I married the husband formerly known as mine. To say that the journey has been long is an understatement. But it's gotten me here.

And here, I go.

Leavin on a Jet Plane

Going to Beantown today, until Thursday. Yep, it's one of the biggest storms of the season hitting the Northeast and I'm headed right to it. Awesome.

I'll be heading to the greater DC area on Friday through Monday, so this is an offical hiatus.

See ya upon my return.

Seems Very Appropriate Today

I don't typically, but curiously checked my horoscope, and this is what it had to say:

Dear Natalie,

Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, April 10:

All this success is exciting, but it might also feel a little overwhelming. Give yourself quiet time so you can review everything that's happened. You've got all the opportunities in the world, so make the most of them.


Appropriate seeing as I'm headed to No. VA for a second interview next Friday. I believe I said to NB-C today how fast it all seems to be happening. Intresting, seeing as I've firmly committed to rolling my arse out of the Bluegrass for the life and opportunities I should have moved to eight years ago. I guess everything happens all in due time. Some just arrive later than others.


More soon...

Tagged

Thanks, Kate...

I'm supposed to give you seven songs that are currently on repeat for me right now. Seeing as I always listen to the same CD's, my "what's hip" really isn't too hip. As NB-C says, I listen to whiny shit. She's right. If it ain't slow & low, sad & melancholy it's probably not playing in my car...and seeing as I still don't have an Ipod, Phillips, or other MP3 player, I am really uncool.

So here goes:

Irreplaceable by Beyonce: Ever since my week in Belgium where it was played overandoverandover I can't help it, I crank this song up and sing it, loud. It's a good anthem for me, even though not really applicable at present time. I agree with Kate, as a single gal, you can't really help but love the lyrics. I sooooo want to sing this to the husband-formerly-known-as-mine.

Say It Right by Nelly Furtado: Something about that song is just sexy. It's kinda mellow, kinda fun, but I dig this tune. It makes me want to get my swerve on. "From my hands I could give you, Something that I made, From my mouth I could sing you another brick that I laid, From my body I could show you a place God knows, You should know the space is holy, Do you really want to go?" I just love it.

Last Request by Paolo Nutini: Current anthem of yours truly. Shocking. Anywho, as I have mentioned before I am in love with this fabulous 19-year old Scottish lad. Dude is freakin' hot. I mean, smokin' hot. Fabulous, perfect lips. Amazing eyes. HOT. See for yourself...And besides that, I really love the words. And oh, how I would love to go nowhere with him...



Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol: "All that I am, all that I ever was, is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see. I don't know where, confused about how as well, just know these things will never change for us at all." OOOOH it gets me every time.

Glamourous by Fergie: So I don't have this tune on CD, but I see it all the time on VH-1 and there is something special in the way she says "flouncy, flouncy" because really, isn't flouncy an under-used word? One can never have too much flounce. I wonder if I'm flouncy?

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye by David Gray: I adore this song. I had forgotten it, and came across it by chance a couple months ago and now I think I listen to it daily. It's relevant only to one person over the last 1.5 years, ahem, yeah that one. "You and I had to be the standing joke of the year...It was a kind of so, so love and I'm goin' to make sure it doesn't happen again...take a look at my face, for the last time. I never knew you, you never knew me, say hello - goodbye." Yep. If only I c/would say goodbye...

Broken Hearted Savior by Big Head Todd & The Monsters: Old school. Recently came back into my mix. Takes me back someplace special. It's like a long spring drive on Old Frankfort Pike, with the sunroof open, the sun comeing down and making you warm, wind blowing in your hair. It's familiar. It's happy. It makes you remember a different place and time, and it makes you want to sing.

....So tag, you're all it. I think there are about 6 people reading this blog and you know who you are. Give me some new music - I need to live vicariously through you...

I Hate You Florida

Please, for the love of all that's good and holy...

Don't choke dear, Buckeyes.

We've been through this road once before, say, in January. Our glorious football season smashed into a million pieces when you got your asses handed to you by those despicable Florida Gators. You remember, right? Yeah, it was the biggest game of the season (okay, second biggest because after all you did beat the team Up North) yep, it was the game you forgot to show up for. Remember? Let me jog your memory...It all started out so well, a touchdown in the first 15-seconds of the game. Jay and I in our scarlet and grey, high-fiving each other and celebrating what was sure to be a spectacular night. Rubbing it in the face of that Florida fan, BJ, who dared to watch it with us. And then, just like that. It slipped through our fingers, more quickly than it ever began. We were the fools. You thought you had it in the bag, and you choked. You forgot your sea of fans, your minions who stood by you through that perfect season. And you let it come down to 60-minutes of a half rate performance. Booooo. Boooooooooo.

So, even though I am not a loyal, die-hard, OSU basketball fan, I will stand by you (of course!) tonight as you go for another National Championship game with the freaking Florida Gators. I mean, how is it possible that it's us and them all over again...Please, I beg of you, don't choke. Show up this time. Don't make us their bitches for a whole year.

And anyway, I'm just counting down the next 14-hours so that whoever ends up winning, it will be just a matter of time before Billy D announces what we all hope is true...That he's coming to the Bluegrass to whip our UK boys into shape and into the Big Dance - this time for the greatest basketball program in the United States - University of Kentucky BABY!!!!

Just A Little Update

So you know, I haven't like sliced my wrists or taken on that weird self mutilation thing this week. I haven't even had a cocktail, or a smoke for that matter. I think I might be doing a weeeeeeee bit better, in fact.

Misery loves company, and NB-C and I make a fine pair, so we've been raging our own little battle against the world this week and I believe it has been a great source of therapy, yes indeed. You got a problem? We'll hash it out and we'll tell you why it is you are stupid and how we would do it different. You got an issue with your boss? We'll laugh at their misery and stupidness. We'll probably burn in hell for that too...bygones. You wanna rain on our fuckoffyoustupidselfishbastard parade and we'll tell you where to go and how to get there.

It's been awesome.

Theraputic.

Plus, I think I've (FINALLY) decided to make the Northern VA/DC move. I'm about 90% sure, and a 25-minute talk with a potential employer in said region this week might have solidified my thinking. I'll keep you posted on that, although, I'm not sure it's a good idea to make life altering decisions in my current state of malaise. I'm also about to post something that is probably not a good idea, but who cares. Nothing I do is ever much of a good-in-hindsight-idea. But it's a work of sheer genius and really shouldn't be left to rot in the Microsoft Word cyberworld.

Stay tuned.

PS: SEDW it was great seeing you and the boy (and you too you super sassy, Sally Jo) on Monday & Tuesday. Thanks for listening, and thanks for grounding me...I haven't shed a tear since...I think I needed to acknowledge (admit?) exactly what it was I felt. Thanks for always understanding me, and for believing in the (im)possible with the same starry eyes as me. I love you !!!

Melancholy & The Infinite Sadness

I'm in a funk.

Not one of those "Nat's totally lost it, again" kind of funks, but the kind where an inexplicable sadness has fallen over me. I just feel sad, like I've lost my way. The kind of melancholy where I want to change everything. Where I can't run from the sadness because I know it will follow, but where I want to pack up everything and head for somewhere new. Somewhere totally illogical like a small New England town, where I could just get lost in the obscurity. It's a good thing my hair chick is on maternity leave, cause I'd probably cut my hair off and dye it purple if she weren't. It's the kind of sadness you feel for no real reason, or maybe there is a reason, it's just that it is beyond my control. It is the kind where at any point in the day tears will come to my eyes, big ones. The aligator tears. Where a knot wells up in the pit of my stomach and hurts. It's the kind of sadness where you have deja vu in the Atlanta airport, because it's Sunday, and you remember all the trips that have come to an end over the last couple months - how you've found yourself in that airport, once again, on another Sunday, like a lost soul always waiting to come home.

NB-C and I were commenting last Wednesday how this has been such a weird year so far. How it's been full of ups and downs. Highs and lows. Excitement and devastation. When it's been good, it's been great. We've had a lot to be thankful for - a lot that's gone in our favor. But when it's turned around it's been like a stab through the heart. More than we can bear. The age old irony of the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Life's gentle reminders of just how close we come to attaining the things we want most in life, almost like being taunted and teased with them, being so close before they are all too quickly pulled from our grasp.


Just close enough to make you need it...

Just close enough to make you want it more than you ever thought you would...

Just close enough to believe...

Just close enough to make it hurt like hell...

Just close enough to make you fall...


Hard.

Wherever You Go, There You Are

Spinning.

I feel like I am spinning.

My head, my heart, my whole body seems to be moving right now and my mind, perhaps that is what is spinning most of all.

************************************************************

I returned last night to Lexington after my literal world tour. I have had to continually remind myself that today is Tuesday, that it's the 20th of March, and that I'm in Lexington, Kentucky. I have never quite had the sensation I have today - of this time and day warp that I've been in - for the past twelve days.

My body hates me. It's still swaying with the ebb and flow of the water, so much so that it is hard to type, walk, or focus on any one object for long. It's making me ill. I'm so tired that I can barely think, or keep my eyes from crying, or concentrate on any task for very long. My clothes are tight from too many days of over indulgence, thousands of calories wasted on food and drink. My liver is pissed and has no desire to consume alcohol for quite awhile. My lungs are sore, my cough will not go away, and I have now officially only had one cigarette since last Wednesday night.

I am a weary traveller. I am worn down. I am worn out. I want to process the events of the last 12 days. I want to ponder the places, the people, and the events from each adventure. I want to finally take time to think about Paris, instead of being forced to quickly move away from its grasp. I want my day to have it's routine back. I want to see my dog. I want to be in my bed. I Want. To. Just. Be.

Be away from every place I've been.

I want to be home.

****************************************************************

I am grateful for my good fortune to be such a traveller, but I am reminded today of just what a toll it can take on you. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. The toll has indeed been taken. And yet, I will have to turn around and go back out on another journey in only 3 short days. Back to Ft. Lauderdale. Where I spent four hours yesterday waiting to come home. This trip, a wedding. Wedding of my oldest friend and the closest to a brother I have, Kevin. It will be interesting to see how my wedding anxiety disorder (WAD) and my weary traveller syndrome mix with one another. I'll probably sprout horns and turn into the devil. That is, if I haven't already.

I sure hope the motion sickness stops by then.

****************************************************************

I'll update you on the recent misadventures of the big pimp Natty later...

...When everything stops spinning.

Hey You

Today's horoscope: Be careful of advertising yourself as someone who is so strong and mentally competent that you are capable of handling everything, dear Sagittarius. Take note that the strongest mule on the trail usually ends up carrying the most weight. Your emotions are more sensitive than you may think, and certainly more sensitive than you demonstrate to others. Be honest about the way you feel, and not just the way you think.

You called about an hour ago saying you have arrived and I'm stuck in a sweltering office with nothing to do and no way to leave. Is it possible we are only minutes apart, we are 5,999 of the 6,000 miles, and yet I still can't see your face? As my Parisian friends would say "this is a probleme."

Indeed. Times wasting right in front of us and I'm trapped and powerless to do anything about it...story of my life, right? Patience. I must have patience. But its hard to have that when your eyes and all that is behind them are just around the corner...

Thank you for coming to Paris today, I hope we share much laughter and many memories until the time comes to say goodbye again...And if by chance I happen to forget to tell you when that dreaded time comes, I already miss you my friend.

Right at this moment, I think, more than ever.

Until Then...

So. I've been a kinda crappy Blogger these days.

Sue me.

I'm off to one of my most favorite cities, and X officially now marks the spot on what is sure to be a whirlwind I like to refer to as the rest of March.

Paris.
Atlanta. (Let's hope we'll see the beloved Paolo Nutini there to make that city worthwhile)
Key West.
Cozumel.
Ft. Lauderdale.

Seems logical to think that when I return spring should be rearing it's beautiful head, sandals should be the safe choice, and that pretty toes! are officially a new sporting event in this girls life. I wish I could take all your poor suckers on this trip, but alas. I can only bring along two for the ride. And this time, I choose the fabulous brown eyed Belgian to accompany me in Paris. And the fabulous Ms. Vee to accompany me to Key West & Cozumel. Yay.

I'm going to be so bored come April. I know. Poor Me. Boo Hoo.

Kidding.

Anywhooooo, I shall find some time to update you on my (mis)adventures once on the road. Pray I don't have to go to any Parisian police stations in the same car as the villian on this trip (been there, done that). Pray I don't get thrown overboard, sea sick, or overwhelmed by the desire to talk like a pirate and yell "Ahoy Matey!" at every chance I get...

So next time, from the road...

Cheers, friends.

Yeah, It Really Freaking Sucks.

www.storypeople.com / Riding Home

Observations for a Wednesday

• Tell me why it's newsworthy on MSN's Entertainment section to inform us that Paris Hilton has been pulled over for a speeding ticket. Guess what! I. Don't. Care. Now, if she had done something rivoting, perhaps. But seriously. There has to be something better to note than this.
• I keep smelling something in the air that smells like a dirty ashtray. For like 36-hours now. I bathe, I try to not smoke that much. I know that it can't be me. WTF.
• How do hotels get away with charging $43 for a plated lunch? Isn't that like, extortion or something?
• Why is it when you try to fly from LexVegas to Beantown, the only times available are either 5:00 a.m., or 10:00 p.m.?
• Do I dress horribly everyday, cause seriously, today I've had half of my office tell me how awesome I look, I think cause I'm wearing a dress, and it's so nice and all but I'm starting to get a complex for every other day that I apparently look like a slob.
• Why is it the day you get paid, your money is gone before you can touch it?
• How come the realtors in the office next to ours never wash their hands when they are done using the restroom?
• Tell me why my neighbors feel the need to lock the entrance to our apartment building even though they know I don't have a key that unlocks that door? And oh, I'm the only one who doesn't have their own private entrance??? Assholes.
• Is it really possible that I tried buying a pair of brown sandals last night, or even red ones, but ended up with my staple black instead?
• Why is it people in shitty relationships with no clear future, stay in said relationship just cause it's easier than being alone. (Myself included, past tense)
• Why do said persons feel the need to repeatedly question such decisions (myself included, past tense) instead of just making them?
• Is it spring yet? Can I wear sandals yet? Please?
• Leave for Paris a week from today? Mais, oui. Excited? Uh, yeah. Out of my freakin' mind...
• Is it me or does American Idol kinda suck this season? The little Marvin Gaye guy from last night is pretty hot though. I find myself b-o-r-e-d for the rest of it.
• I worked really hard for about 3 hours today and knocked out a lot of stuff and now I'm bored. And going to the gym...

Happy Hump Day Ya'll...

Hmmmmmm.....

Not sure where I've been the last week and a half, but it sure hasn't been on Blogger.

Bygones.

Might as well catch up now...

I'm settling in to watch the Oscars and I'll probably make it till about 10:45 before I fall asleep, because like clock work, I do it every year. Right. Before. They. Announce. The. Good. One. My vote is going to the fabulous "Little Miss Sunshine" for best picture. I adore that flick. But then again, I think the only other film I've seen is "The Departed" and I loved that too, but more in a graphically violent sort of way. Can't wait until I catch up on all these movies on Netflix. Can I just say that Ryan Secrest is annoying and should be banned from pre-Oscar red carpet reporting. I can't bring myself to listen to Joan & Melissa Rivers so I'll just shut up now.

Went to the 'Nati yesterday to visit Slimy and Joey. Hello, please just take a look at His Royal Cuteness...

This is Joey right after waking up from a nap. Hello! Have you ever seen ANYONE be that jovial after a nap? He's sure got his grouchy aunt Nat beat. I hadn't seen Joey since he was about ten days old, but I fell back in love with him the second I saw him again. Had a great time with his momma and daddy too - although it never ceases to amaze me how much Slimy and I have grown up since our first days of friendship in 1989...


In other rousing misadventures...


Finally got my nappy roots highlighted again. It's only been since the end of November. The ewwwww factor was at an all time high. Give me a break. Our fabulous hair chick is on maternity leave and as for any other excuses, unfortunately, I don't have any.

Finally cleaned my nasty apartment. Really cleaned it. Mopped and everything. It's only been since like October since I last mopped. Feelin' pretty happy about that. It's not at perfect clean status, but I'd rate it an 8 out of 10. I kinda want to move out of the Hobbit House. But seeing as I'm not sure where I want to land, I should probably just clean more often. And throw out a lot of stuff I don't need/use/wear anymore to give me some more space.


Finally went to Gulfport after a year long abscence. Had a great time with NB-C & Vee. Behaved very well at Mardi Gras. Survived crowd phobia and germ phobia quite well, I must say.


I'm sucked into the MTV's "The Hills." There is something strange in knowing how different LA girls are from those of us on the Eastern half of the country. For some reason, I really dig that show. It's kinda like the crack for this middle aged GAP-wearing-chick. I think I find myself fantasizing about having that blonde of hair, working for Teen Vogue, wearing designer clothing, eating out every night, and then hitting the hottest club with boys named Brody. Why? Because it's so not like me.


If you haven't had a listen to Paolo Nutini, you really should. A friend of mine turned me on to him a few months back and I am officially head over heels for his music. Good news is, looks like English Andy and I will get to go to a concert of his in Atlanta the night before leaving for the cruise. He's freaking HOT. Paolo that is. But he's only 19, so it's a little like being Mrs. Robinson.


I've been trying to brush up on my French a little. You would think that 8-years of French would enable you to have some ability to speak it or conjugate sentences with all those words that you can still retain. But no. So far, I should be able to explain to customs why I'll be in Paris.

"Je suis ici en voyage d'affaires pour quelques jours et aussi visite à mon ami, le Belge. Oui, j'adore le Belge!"



Yep. I really need a new change of scenery.

To All My Valentines

I was thinking tonight about how much difference a year makes when it comes to Valentine's day. I loathe this holiday, really. I always have. It seems sort of pointless to have to designate a day to tell people how you feel about them. Shouldn't Valentine's day be everyday? Do we really need a holiday to remind us to buy gifts, go to restaurants, or send cards? Last year, I was like the angry chick stuck in a circle of "what if" hell. This year, I really couldn't care less. I don't need the reassurance this year to know, to feel, that I have lots of Valentines out there, who give me love day in and day out, and not only on one day a year. That makes me happy, just to know that.

So to all my Valentines - my friends, near and far, may you know how much I love you and cherish you, and thank you for the blessings you bring to my life. It is my hope that even when I don't tell you, you always know that I am appreciative for all the moments we share.

To each of you who share my journey, to my truest of true, year in and year out, Valentines...

May you know that I miss you not being in Lexington, Trev. May you know, JAB, how glad I am that we are coming to know each other again. May you know, Jules, that the memories we've had together are some of the most favorite of my life. May you know that I will always think you are beautiful, Slimy. May you know, Beek, how my heart is full because of you. May you know, Mr. Penny, that I'm still thankful for the laughter we share. May you know, SEDW, that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish we could be together to talk for hours as if they were only minutes. May you know, Belgian, that our friendship and our souls likeness will leave me forever changed. May you know, NB-C, how thankful I am that my family only lives two miles away, and that my wedding dress resides, perpetually, in your basement. May you know, Vee, that there isn't a day I don't wish you were on the other couch watching movies with me, or smoking and drinking red wine with me, here. May you know that your sons and daughters smiles warm my soul, and that I can't wait to know all of the children yet to come. May each of you know that our goodbyes always break my heart because of the love I have for our friendship.

You are all my Valentines.

Not just on this day.

But on every day.

Paris je t'aime !

It's a good thing I do love it. I'm headed there in three and a half weeks...tee hee...My passport was a bit lonely with that one measely stamp in it.

Although it will be a short trip (4-days), I won't be at a loss. In fact, it'll be about 12 days before I return to the bright & sunny LexVegas from start to finish. Paris, Atlanta, Key West, Cozumel...Yep. I'll stop now...

OH! Not to mention, NB-C and I are headed to see Vee this weekend in the big Gulfport. NB-C hasn't seen the post Hurricane Katrina death and destruction before so that should be neat. We're also headed to that nasty ass New Orleans for a little Mardi Gras fun...have I ever mentioned that I am deathly afraid of crowds, crowded places, being trapped, feeling unsafe, or GERMS. Yep. We're headed to the epicenter of all those things. Sweet. But what can I say, being anywhere with those two for a few days is sure to be a blast.

Some years, like this one, it's good to be me. Let's hope 2007 keeps the blessings alive. I've got to say, I'm liking how it has started...

Vindication

Thank you, Grammy voters for giving props to the album and song, Country, Pop, or otherwise that deserved to have top honors this year.

Thank you, Grammy voters for listening to the words, to the melody behind them, and the heartfelt outpouring of the music.

Thank you, Grammy voters for standing up for what was deserved, not what was convienently and politically correct.

Thank you, Dixie Chicks for not just shutting up and singing. For having a voice. For excercising your freedom as American citizen. For pushing the boundaries. For singing loudly, and for being proud.

Thank you, for giving me an anthem over the last year. For enabling me and NB-C to sing loudly in my car, and to feel passionately about it when we do.

Every time, we do.

This chick is and always will be, proud to be called your fan.

Is It Weird That I Find This Tragic?

In case you've missed the news in the last 24-hours: read here.

We really should be ashamed of ourselves.

When is the American public's quest for more, finally going to be enough? Sometimes I think we forget that celebrities are human beings, too. Sometimes I think we should get more interesting hobbies than caring what the B-listers are up to, or how far we push until their humanity becomes nothing more than fodder for late night TV.

Sad.

The Sound of Settling

Then. 3 weeks before I left.

I have never on this blog acknowledged why it was I got divorced. To most people, they take some of the information I give them and they just accept that we were two people who weren’t meant for each other. They offer their condolences for my failed marriage, and we pass over it. Only my best friends know the story, little by little I’ve let it out. I have never publicly discussed why I got divorced, and even he, to this day, doesn’t really know everything. When it came time to leave, it was long overdue.

What I must write, is what I have spent the last two years trying to move past, these are the reasons why I’ve had to focus on learning the lesson of letting go. This is why it is so important for me to move forward. This is why there is still a sad undertone in my voice, this is why it took me a year to cry, this is why I hold on tighter than I should, this is why I am only drawn to inaccessible/emotionally unavailable men, and this is why I am still paralyzed to really move forward. I decided that I had to write about this because over the last couple of weeks I have been told by countless people, friends and strangers alike, at how happy I seem, what is more, how happy I look. It’s an interesting observation, and one I’ve noticed too, it’s what makes me know that my smile is coming back to life.

So because of that, it’s time to acknowledge the truth, it’s time to let it go, and it’s time to relinquish control of it’s (his) power over me. Settle in, it’s going to be a long one.

It begins something like this…

I met him when I was a senior in college. There at a bar, celebrating another friend’s engagement. I was drunk. He was probably high. I gave him my number, and he called me that night. We talked for three hours. It was probably the longest conversation to be had in our seven year relationship.

I went out with him the next day, and the day after that, and every day following. Ours was the type of relationship where we just all of a sudden were together. It seemed I was always with him from almost the first meeting. I knew in the first week of meeting him that I would marry him. In the early years, he reminded me of my father in a lot of ways. I felt like the true content of his character was that he was a loving and caring person with a soul that went much deeper than it appeared on the outside. I wanted to take care of him, to nurture him, to make him feel love the way I believed in it. I thought my ability to love would be enough for the both of us, enough to heal the wounds in his own heart. We spent the next three years as boyfriend and girlfriend, and had what I can only describe as a passionate relationship – when we were good, we were great. When we were bad, we were toxic.

I remember a horrible fight on Valentine’s day, two months before we were to be engaged. I remember now that at that moment I knew I should not continue with the relationship, but I did anyway. I look back these years later and I know that I confused security for love. I know now that being together day in and day out never meant that we were really friends. At the time, I guess it just seemed like we needed to move forward, like it was the right thing to do, and like we needed that commitment to prove this was a viable relationship.

He proposed to me on April 30, 2000. We had finished watching a movie with Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon – I believe it was “The Odd Couple.” How appropriate that was in hindsight. For weeks I knew it would be happening. I dreamt of a proposal in front of my friends, or my family, or something that was the least bit romantic. Instead, he told me the ring was in his bedroom and that I could have it if I wanted. He returned with the box, and got down on his knee while I was on the couch and he asked me to marry him. He proposed to me on a couch, in an apartment we could never go back to. He gave me a ring that he wanted, not something I saw myself with. Trivial, maybe. But to me it meant that he didn’t really listen to me, or know me, or care.

I think back now, and I remember things I tucked out of my mind for many years. Before he proposed, I dreamt of a romantic proposal, and yet I knew that he was not capable of it – I knew that it would feel awkward if it was anything more than how he actually did it. I recall this now and I can identify the sound at the moment I knew the proposal would be anything less than I truly wanted.

It was the sound of settling.

So I said yes! And I went into a year long planning process that allowed my inner diva to shine. I convinced myself for one year that I was doing the right thing and that everything would be great once we were married. I still can’t figure out why I went through with it. I’m not sure it was ever a question in my mind. It’s as if I convinced myself that it was a solid relationship. That we were really friends. That common ground was just a little further out of reach.

The wedding was pretty close to perfect. The reception was a blast. It felt real when the rings were exchanged, and the vows were sealed with a kiss. I believe that we both meant it when we said “for better or worse.” I truly believe we both got married intending it to be forever.

We fought 3-days of our 7-day honeymoon. While in London he called his ex-girlfriend, who was from the U.K., to try to arrange a time for the three of us to meet. As Princess Diana so prophetically said, “You know there were three of us in this marriage.” Yes, indeed, there always were. The first year was pretty good – the first three months being a bit trying because I was laid off of work. I would shop, or go to the pool, or lounge around for most of the day – and he would come home and silently resent my hiatus. But even still, I loved being married. I loved being a wife. I loved taking care of him, because for the most part, at that time, he took care of me. We felt more solid than ever that first year. That year, and the closeness we had is what allows me to not resent him or regret getting married.

It was right around the time my sister found out she would have to have a surrogate in order to have any children, that I fell out of love for him. She was about to, at age 17, have her eggs harvested in order to have any future hope of having biological children. She had to make a choice, in a matter of weeks, to do this because of a medication she would soon be on for the rest of her life that causes severe birth defects. I said to him that I wanted to be her surrogate when the time came, that I knew I would have to have my own children first in order to follow through, but that this was the most important thing I could ever do for her, and that it was the one gift I always saw myself giving her. He said to me “under no circumstances will my wife ever do that, I don’t care what it means to you.” And at the precise moment he said those words, my heart broke and the love I felt for him, died. I knew at that moment I would never have married him had I known that he felt that way. How he could profess to understand my love for my sister, how he could know her circumstances, and how he could never understand me wanting to do the one thing I always knew that I was destined to do. I didn’t understand how he could be so cruel. I knew at that moment that he didn’t know me and he never would.

I put on a happy face, shut down emotionally, and then we spent the next two years fighting a losing battle.

The second year was a crowded one, where friends became the scapegoats for the two of us forming any sort of friendship together. He started choosing sides in fights with everyone but his wife in fights between mutual friends. His nights out never included me, and they were followed by reciprocal nights that never included him. It was a constant “one-uping” that went on between us. I went to bed earlier and earlier, he stayed out later and later. Then there were the occasional strange phone calls that when questioned about, I was told I was a stupid bitch and that I was crazy. There was the night where he came home with cocaine on the end of his nose. And the fight that followed where I told him I would never have his children. There was the everyday that included him getting high, and conversations, countless conversations, where he told me he’d never give up pot, even if it meant losing me.

It came to a head and I left for three months. I don’t even remember the conversation it took in order for me to leave. I begged him to go to counseling, to work on this marriage and he told me I was the one who needed counseling, not him. So I went to counseling, and I tried working on myself. Alone. I re-committed to trying to do everything I could to save our marriage. We hardly spent any time together during that three months, but as always, I was drawn back to him, drawn back to his open arms and lure of familiarity. We signed a contract, we made another promise to try. That was August. By October, I knew it was over, that I wanted to leave him for good.

His mother was diagnosed with lung cancer the same week. I stayed.

We planned a second honeymoon to Hawaii in December, and for the first few weeks we were back it was great. It was as if the ocean water, and warmth of the sun had renewed not only our spirits, but the love in our hearts as well. But just as I went back into his arms, I also went back into the world of text messages from women named Jen, followed by an overnight visit to see his father that ended up being a lot more suspicious than just that. Next, text messages from his ex-girlfriend – the one who would never go away – and what she wanted to do to him. That was followed by text messages about that night he had to get home “to work” after Thanksgiving, the one where whoever she was had a great time and couldn’t wait to see him again – I remember it well, because it’s the one that cost me a friendship. Finally, to condoms in the console of his truck “for his friend Todd.” That was the day he wouldn’t talk to me at all, because I was a crazy bitch, the night where Todd came over and they shut the door to the bedroom and barely spoke above a whisper. It was the day in which all the words he ever uttered to me still resonate the loudest. It was the one thing he said to me which I am still unable to, but everyday trying to let go of: “You are nothing and nobody will ever love you.”

It was the loudest sound of settling I have ever heard.

I left him twenty days later.

I married a man whose family I adored. Who I believed could change. Who inherently was a good person, just not to me. I married him because it was the thing I thought I should do, not because I couldn’t imagine my life without him. For seven years, I never wrote a word, let alone a sentence. I never scribbled a poem. I never heard a song where the words reminded me of him. I never smiled the way I have smiled in the past three weeks, six months, or even the past two years since our parting. I married a man who let me slip away, who resented everything I ever loved about myself, everything I held most dear, and who wouldn’t fight for me. I married a man who never knew me. Who never really laughed with me. Who never kissed me the way I needed to be kissed. Who never looked into my eyes and understood who I was, ever. Someone who never wanted to be my friend. Who never wanted me to question him, or challenge him, or make him aspire to become anything better, even though I knew he could be. I married a man who I don’t believe ever gave me butterflies, or who could make me cry because the thought of being without him, hurt.

But it isn’t fair to blame the ending of the marriage, of the relationship, solely on him. Some people no matter how hard you try, never quite seem to fit. The puzzle never really comes together, and you find yourself looking to everyone and everything else to fill that empty space…to feel that love you are supposed to have. When you have to look to everything else to fill the void, you probably need to evaluate the reason why.

I will admit, I wasn’t perfect in my marriage. I made mistakes, too. I messed up, I crossed lines I shouldn’t have crossed, and I failed at living up to my end of the bargain. But I tried. I tried with every sad ounce of my former being. I know, and have peace, that I did do that much.

I married a man whose toxicity was like a lethal dose of my own medicine. I longed for everything more, in a world I no longer knew, and feelings I forgot I had. I became someone who wasn’t really myself, and I’ve spent almost two years trying to reclaim that person I lost. It’s taken a hell of a long time to get back to finding any resemblance of the person I was, and there have been a lot of demons I’ve had to face along the way. I’m not there yet. But I’m getting closer. Acknowledging this part of my life and what happened is something I have to do, now, in order to continue to move forward. In order to let go.

I’m trying every day to be a better person, and I’m forgiving myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I have forgiven him, too. There is still a little part of me that is saddened by the breakup between us. Inherently, I will always hold a piece of him in my heart, and I will always try to be on his side. After all, it was because of him that I am able to be where I am today. When I left, I didn’t let it get ugly. That’s not what it was about to me. My leaving was about me and me alone. My leaving was about who I was at my core, and how I knew I needed to get back. A long journey, where the road hasn’t been easy, where the lessons about letting go have been stern, but a journey where the road has meant something more to me than I would ever have known had I not taken it. And yet, it’s been almost two years, and I still don’t know how I can, how I will, or how to receive…

Love.


The irony is that it is the one thing that I believe in the most. And yet, it is the only thing that eludes me, still.

I hear that sound every once in awhile, that sound of settling. It scares the hell out of me now. I am paralyzed to this day by the words he said. That they will somehow ring true. That happiness will continue to elude me. That true love, the kind that fills your soul, where the friendship brings tears to your eyes, the kind I dream about, will somehow pass me by.

But then I look at this life I have and I am beginning to trust that his spell is broken, and that whoever it is that inevitably steals my heart, is lucky to have found me, and will be lucky to love me. The sound of settling screams at me now instead of coming to me like a whisper. I listen to its warning and I am able to believe that there is a life ahead that is filled with love beyond my wildest dreams, beyond any life I have already known. However long it may be before it finds me, I will have no regrets, and I will trust what I already know…

It will find me.

Now. 3 weeks ago.

Is This a Joke?

Okay, I'm trying to remain calm about this sudden burst of artic air, but the longer this wicked cold persists, the more I want to pull every strand of hair from my head. I. Cannot. Stand. It.

I can understand that we were unusually blessed to have had a mild winter up until last week. I can be okay with the fact that we were doomed to have some sort of cold front - some cold weather, but come on. Three weeks of frigid? Every waking moment of windows that are drafty, a desk at work that rivals Antartica, and not to mention blowing off the gym because I have become paralyzed by the fear of what will happen to me once I am sweaty and Egads! step out into sub-zero temparatures! I'm sure even a doctor wouldn't recommend putting my health in jeopardy, because surely the health benefits of cardio would be lessened by a bout with pneumonia.

Slimy? Can you concur? Or at least tell me my neurosis is justified?

I really am a fan of mild temperatures. Love the spring. Love the fall. Love to never be at one extreme or another. I am a hostage in the Hobbit House. It's an inferno in the summer. It's an igloo in the winter. And seriously, those asshat neighbors of mine, I think are messing with me too. I can't even manage to get a hot shower. It's like they sit in their apartments below me and convienently keep their heat low and turn on and off their water at the same time I'm showering every morning just to prevent me from ever being warm!!! It's freaking ridiculous!!!

I can't help but wonder, what happens if it never ends! What if it's like this forever! What if I'm perpetually held hostage by cold air and threats of snow! It's frightening people!

Sleeping in flannel pants, socks, and a hooded sweatshirt is just not my style. And even a dog pressed up against me and a down comforter doesn't seem to help.

Forget this.

I'm moving to Hawaii, where the sun always shines, the water is always warm, and the temperature rarely goes below 80 degrees. I can imagine myself there now, all happy and warm, basking in the sun and all its glory...

...and yes, I'll try to forget (NB-C) who was there with me last...I know, I know, I should have taken you.

Bygones.