Paris je t'aime !

It's a good thing I do love it. I'm headed there in three and a half weeks...tee hee...My passport was a bit lonely with that one measely stamp in it.

Although it will be a short trip (4-days), I won't be at a loss. In fact, it'll be about 12 days before I return to the bright & sunny LexVegas from start to finish. Paris, Atlanta, Key West, Cozumel...Yep. I'll stop now...

OH! Not to mention, NB-C and I are headed to see Vee this weekend in the big Gulfport. NB-C hasn't seen the post Hurricane Katrina death and destruction before so that should be neat. We're also headed to that nasty ass New Orleans for a little Mardi Gras fun...have I ever mentioned that I am deathly afraid of crowds, crowded places, being trapped, feeling unsafe, or GERMS. Yep. We're headed to the epicenter of all those things. Sweet. But what can I say, being anywhere with those two for a few days is sure to be a blast.

Some years, like this one, it's good to be me. Let's hope 2007 keeps the blessings alive. I've got to say, I'm liking how it has started...

Vindication

Thank you, Grammy voters for giving props to the album and song, Country, Pop, or otherwise that deserved to have top honors this year.

Thank you, Grammy voters for listening to the words, to the melody behind them, and the heartfelt outpouring of the music.

Thank you, Grammy voters for standing up for what was deserved, not what was convienently and politically correct.

Thank you, Dixie Chicks for not just shutting up and singing. For having a voice. For excercising your freedom as American citizen. For pushing the boundaries. For singing loudly, and for being proud.

Thank you, for giving me an anthem over the last year. For enabling me and NB-C to sing loudly in my car, and to feel passionately about it when we do.

Every time, we do.

This chick is and always will be, proud to be called your fan.

Is It Weird That I Find This Tragic?

In case you've missed the news in the last 24-hours: read here.

We really should be ashamed of ourselves.

When is the American public's quest for more, finally going to be enough? Sometimes I think we forget that celebrities are human beings, too. Sometimes I think we should get more interesting hobbies than caring what the B-listers are up to, or how far we push until their humanity becomes nothing more than fodder for late night TV.

Sad.

The Sound of Settling

Then. 3 weeks before I left.

I have never on this blog acknowledged why it was I got divorced. To most people, they take some of the information I give them and they just accept that we were two people who weren’t meant for each other. They offer their condolences for my failed marriage, and we pass over it. Only my best friends know the story, little by little I’ve let it out. I have never publicly discussed why I got divorced, and even he, to this day, doesn’t really know everything. When it came time to leave, it was long overdue.

What I must write, is what I have spent the last two years trying to move past, these are the reasons why I’ve had to focus on learning the lesson of letting go. This is why it is so important for me to move forward. This is why there is still a sad undertone in my voice, this is why it took me a year to cry, this is why I hold on tighter than I should, this is why I am only drawn to inaccessible/emotionally unavailable men, and this is why I am still paralyzed to really move forward. I decided that I had to write about this because over the last couple of weeks I have been told by countless people, friends and strangers alike, at how happy I seem, what is more, how happy I look. It’s an interesting observation, and one I’ve noticed too, it’s what makes me know that my smile is coming back to life.

So because of that, it’s time to acknowledge the truth, it’s time to let it go, and it’s time to relinquish control of it’s (his) power over me. Settle in, it’s going to be a long one.

It begins something like this…

I met him when I was a senior in college. There at a bar, celebrating another friend’s engagement. I was drunk. He was probably high. I gave him my number, and he called me that night. We talked for three hours. It was probably the longest conversation to be had in our seven year relationship.

I went out with him the next day, and the day after that, and every day following. Ours was the type of relationship where we just all of a sudden were together. It seemed I was always with him from almost the first meeting. I knew in the first week of meeting him that I would marry him. In the early years, he reminded me of my father in a lot of ways. I felt like the true content of his character was that he was a loving and caring person with a soul that went much deeper than it appeared on the outside. I wanted to take care of him, to nurture him, to make him feel love the way I believed in it. I thought my ability to love would be enough for the both of us, enough to heal the wounds in his own heart. We spent the next three years as boyfriend and girlfriend, and had what I can only describe as a passionate relationship – when we were good, we were great. When we were bad, we were toxic.

I remember a horrible fight on Valentine’s day, two months before we were to be engaged. I remember now that at that moment I knew I should not continue with the relationship, but I did anyway. I look back these years later and I know that I confused security for love. I know now that being together day in and day out never meant that we were really friends. At the time, I guess it just seemed like we needed to move forward, like it was the right thing to do, and like we needed that commitment to prove this was a viable relationship.

He proposed to me on April 30, 2000. We had finished watching a movie with Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon – I believe it was “The Odd Couple.” How appropriate that was in hindsight. For weeks I knew it would be happening. I dreamt of a proposal in front of my friends, or my family, or something that was the least bit romantic. Instead, he told me the ring was in his bedroom and that I could have it if I wanted. He returned with the box, and got down on his knee while I was on the couch and he asked me to marry him. He proposed to me on a couch, in an apartment we could never go back to. He gave me a ring that he wanted, not something I saw myself with. Trivial, maybe. But to me it meant that he didn’t really listen to me, or know me, or care.

I think back now, and I remember things I tucked out of my mind for many years. Before he proposed, I dreamt of a romantic proposal, and yet I knew that he was not capable of it – I knew that it would feel awkward if it was anything more than how he actually did it. I recall this now and I can identify the sound at the moment I knew the proposal would be anything less than I truly wanted.

It was the sound of settling.

So I said yes! And I went into a year long planning process that allowed my inner diva to shine. I convinced myself for one year that I was doing the right thing and that everything would be great once we were married. I still can’t figure out why I went through with it. I’m not sure it was ever a question in my mind. It’s as if I convinced myself that it was a solid relationship. That we were really friends. That common ground was just a little further out of reach.

The wedding was pretty close to perfect. The reception was a blast. It felt real when the rings were exchanged, and the vows were sealed with a kiss. I believe that we both meant it when we said “for better or worse.” I truly believe we both got married intending it to be forever.

We fought 3-days of our 7-day honeymoon. While in London he called his ex-girlfriend, who was from the U.K., to try to arrange a time for the three of us to meet. As Princess Diana so prophetically said, “You know there were three of us in this marriage.” Yes, indeed, there always were. The first year was pretty good – the first three months being a bit trying because I was laid off of work. I would shop, or go to the pool, or lounge around for most of the day – and he would come home and silently resent my hiatus. But even still, I loved being married. I loved being a wife. I loved taking care of him, because for the most part, at that time, he took care of me. We felt more solid than ever that first year. That year, and the closeness we had is what allows me to not resent him or regret getting married.

It was right around the time my sister found out she would have to have a surrogate in order to have any children, that I fell out of love for him. She was about to, at age 17, have her eggs harvested in order to have any future hope of having biological children. She had to make a choice, in a matter of weeks, to do this because of a medication she would soon be on for the rest of her life that causes severe birth defects. I said to him that I wanted to be her surrogate when the time came, that I knew I would have to have my own children first in order to follow through, but that this was the most important thing I could ever do for her, and that it was the one gift I always saw myself giving her. He said to me “under no circumstances will my wife ever do that, I don’t care what it means to you.” And at the precise moment he said those words, my heart broke and the love I felt for him, died. I knew at that moment I would never have married him had I known that he felt that way. How he could profess to understand my love for my sister, how he could know her circumstances, and how he could never understand me wanting to do the one thing I always knew that I was destined to do. I didn’t understand how he could be so cruel. I knew at that moment that he didn’t know me and he never would.

I put on a happy face, shut down emotionally, and then we spent the next two years fighting a losing battle.

The second year was a crowded one, where friends became the scapegoats for the two of us forming any sort of friendship together. He started choosing sides in fights with everyone but his wife in fights between mutual friends. His nights out never included me, and they were followed by reciprocal nights that never included him. It was a constant “one-uping” that went on between us. I went to bed earlier and earlier, he stayed out later and later. Then there were the occasional strange phone calls that when questioned about, I was told I was a stupid bitch and that I was crazy. There was the night where he came home with cocaine on the end of his nose. And the fight that followed where I told him I would never have his children. There was the everyday that included him getting high, and conversations, countless conversations, where he told me he’d never give up pot, even if it meant losing me.

It came to a head and I left for three months. I don’t even remember the conversation it took in order for me to leave. I begged him to go to counseling, to work on this marriage and he told me I was the one who needed counseling, not him. So I went to counseling, and I tried working on myself. Alone. I re-committed to trying to do everything I could to save our marriage. We hardly spent any time together during that three months, but as always, I was drawn back to him, drawn back to his open arms and lure of familiarity. We signed a contract, we made another promise to try. That was August. By October, I knew it was over, that I wanted to leave him for good.

His mother was diagnosed with lung cancer the same week. I stayed.

We planned a second honeymoon to Hawaii in December, and for the first few weeks we were back it was great. It was as if the ocean water, and warmth of the sun had renewed not only our spirits, but the love in our hearts as well. But just as I went back into his arms, I also went back into the world of text messages from women named Jen, followed by an overnight visit to see his father that ended up being a lot more suspicious than just that. Next, text messages from his ex-girlfriend – the one who would never go away – and what she wanted to do to him. That was followed by text messages about that night he had to get home “to work” after Thanksgiving, the one where whoever she was had a great time and couldn’t wait to see him again – I remember it well, because it’s the one that cost me a friendship. Finally, to condoms in the console of his truck “for his friend Todd.” That was the day he wouldn’t talk to me at all, because I was a crazy bitch, the night where Todd came over and they shut the door to the bedroom and barely spoke above a whisper. It was the day in which all the words he ever uttered to me still resonate the loudest. It was the one thing he said to me which I am still unable to, but everyday trying to let go of: “You are nothing and nobody will ever love you.”

It was the loudest sound of settling I have ever heard.

I left him twenty days later.

I married a man whose family I adored. Who I believed could change. Who inherently was a good person, just not to me. I married him because it was the thing I thought I should do, not because I couldn’t imagine my life without him. For seven years, I never wrote a word, let alone a sentence. I never scribbled a poem. I never heard a song where the words reminded me of him. I never smiled the way I have smiled in the past three weeks, six months, or even the past two years since our parting. I married a man who let me slip away, who resented everything I ever loved about myself, everything I held most dear, and who wouldn’t fight for me. I married a man who never knew me. Who never really laughed with me. Who never kissed me the way I needed to be kissed. Who never looked into my eyes and understood who I was, ever. Someone who never wanted to be my friend. Who never wanted me to question him, or challenge him, or make him aspire to become anything better, even though I knew he could be. I married a man who I don’t believe ever gave me butterflies, or who could make me cry because the thought of being without him, hurt.

But it isn’t fair to blame the ending of the marriage, of the relationship, solely on him. Some people no matter how hard you try, never quite seem to fit. The puzzle never really comes together, and you find yourself looking to everyone and everything else to fill that empty space…to feel that love you are supposed to have. When you have to look to everything else to fill the void, you probably need to evaluate the reason why.

I will admit, I wasn’t perfect in my marriage. I made mistakes, too. I messed up, I crossed lines I shouldn’t have crossed, and I failed at living up to my end of the bargain. But I tried. I tried with every sad ounce of my former being. I know, and have peace, that I did do that much.

I married a man whose toxicity was like a lethal dose of my own medicine. I longed for everything more, in a world I no longer knew, and feelings I forgot I had. I became someone who wasn’t really myself, and I’ve spent almost two years trying to reclaim that person I lost. It’s taken a hell of a long time to get back to finding any resemblance of the person I was, and there have been a lot of demons I’ve had to face along the way. I’m not there yet. But I’m getting closer. Acknowledging this part of my life and what happened is something I have to do, now, in order to continue to move forward. In order to let go.

I’m trying every day to be a better person, and I’m forgiving myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I have forgiven him, too. There is still a little part of me that is saddened by the breakup between us. Inherently, I will always hold a piece of him in my heart, and I will always try to be on his side. After all, it was because of him that I am able to be where I am today. When I left, I didn’t let it get ugly. That’s not what it was about to me. My leaving was about me and me alone. My leaving was about who I was at my core, and how I knew I needed to get back. A long journey, where the road hasn’t been easy, where the lessons about letting go have been stern, but a journey where the road has meant something more to me than I would ever have known had I not taken it. And yet, it’s been almost two years, and I still don’t know how I can, how I will, or how to receive…

Love.


The irony is that it is the one thing that I believe in the most. And yet, it is the only thing that eludes me, still.

I hear that sound every once in awhile, that sound of settling. It scares the hell out of me now. I am paralyzed to this day by the words he said. That they will somehow ring true. That happiness will continue to elude me. That true love, the kind that fills your soul, where the friendship brings tears to your eyes, the kind I dream about, will somehow pass me by.

But then I look at this life I have and I am beginning to trust that his spell is broken, and that whoever it is that inevitably steals my heart, is lucky to have found me, and will be lucky to love me. The sound of settling screams at me now instead of coming to me like a whisper. I listen to its warning and I am able to believe that there is a life ahead that is filled with love beyond my wildest dreams, beyond any life I have already known. However long it may be before it finds me, I will have no regrets, and I will trust what I already know…

It will find me.

Now. 3 weeks ago.

Is This a Joke?

Okay, I'm trying to remain calm about this sudden burst of artic air, but the longer this wicked cold persists, the more I want to pull every strand of hair from my head. I. Cannot. Stand. It.

I can understand that we were unusually blessed to have had a mild winter up until last week. I can be okay with the fact that we were doomed to have some sort of cold front - some cold weather, but come on. Three weeks of frigid? Every waking moment of windows that are drafty, a desk at work that rivals Antartica, and not to mention blowing off the gym because I have become paralyzed by the fear of what will happen to me once I am sweaty and Egads! step out into sub-zero temparatures! I'm sure even a doctor wouldn't recommend putting my health in jeopardy, because surely the health benefits of cardio would be lessened by a bout with pneumonia.

Slimy? Can you concur? Or at least tell me my neurosis is justified?

I really am a fan of mild temperatures. Love the spring. Love the fall. Love to never be at one extreme or another. I am a hostage in the Hobbit House. It's an inferno in the summer. It's an igloo in the winter. And seriously, those asshat neighbors of mine, I think are messing with me too. I can't even manage to get a hot shower. It's like they sit in their apartments below me and convienently keep their heat low and turn on and off their water at the same time I'm showering every morning just to prevent me from ever being warm!!! It's freaking ridiculous!!!

I can't help but wonder, what happens if it never ends! What if it's like this forever! What if I'm perpetually held hostage by cold air and threats of snow! It's frightening people!

Sleeping in flannel pants, socks, and a hooded sweatshirt is just not my style. And even a dog pressed up against me and a down comforter doesn't seem to help.

Forget this.

I'm moving to Hawaii, where the sun always shines, the water is always warm, and the temperature rarely goes below 80 degrees. I can imagine myself there now, all happy and warm, basking in the sun and all its glory...

...and yes, I'll try to forget (NB-C) who was there with me last...I know, I know, I should have taken you.

Bygones.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl !

I love you, Rebekah!!! I still can't believe you are 22 already - but I will never forget the day you were born for as long as live. How could I ever have known how much you would bless my life, all of our lives...You are God's gift to me, and to so many who are lucky enough to know and love you. I am so proud to have you as my sister.

On My Belgian's Soil

  
Ten days ago I left on a journey. A journey to someplace new. To a life and culture foreign to my own. Ten days ago, days that have slipped through my fingers quicker than sand...

Ten days ago, I left on a journey a much different person than when I returned. I can already say that with a profound certainty. I returned with an inner peace that I had not expected to find. A journey without the fixed mark of a destination, a journey which has brought me another step closer to myself.

I stepped in only for a moment to peer into someone else's world - into the life of a most treasured friend, and into the world of many people whom I will never forget. I tiptoed briefly as a stranger in a strangeland and found myself with eyes that were always ready to see more, a profound eagerness to learn, a true desire to meet new friends, and to genuinely appreciate all that was put before me.

Belgium was magical.

It was the kind of trip everyone should have at least once in a lifetime. And it was such a trip because of my tour guide. I really couldn't have had a better one, or one that I would have wanted to have more. Anyway, perhaps that's something for another day, but before I get to caught up on that, here are a few observations from this American Girl on her Belgian's soil:

• Belgium is flat. For some reason I thought it would be mountainous. But no.
• The grass is really green. Like green as in astroturf green. I wonder if that saying "the grass is always greener on the other side" might really be true.
• American's need to walk more. And ride bikes more. And be friendlier to those around them.
• Some songs like "Dear Mr. President" can really rile up a Belgian. Or songs that are themes for the different cities. The Red Hot Chili Peppers seem to have found their spot, Christina Aguleria and Beyonce are overplayed. And favorite songs, sound all the better when the person they remind you of is sitting next to you.
• Who knew? They love Hillary and don't, euhm, care for our current commander in chief.
• People are friendly in Belgium. They buy drinks for everyone in the bar. They talk to each other and not in a fake, "hi how are ya," don't really care but thanks kind of way.
• Belgian pubs rock. Especially the Continental. And the beautiful bartender and her fabulously-lemony-and-oh-so-delightfully-intoxicating drinks.
• I apparently look like Barbra Streisand, even in Belgium.
• Belgian beer is the best. Undoubtadly. Unquestionably. And the glasses are pretty great, too. Even the ones that make you look silly when you drink from them, ahem, Kwak.
• Cows in Belgium look different. They are mostly white but all seem to have color on their ankles, and I think they are fatter but not fat in an American-we-will-inject-all-animals-with-hormones kind of way. Not to mention that they sure are tasty!!!
• You can still smoke in the hospitals -- cafeteria only. But not in some restaurants.
• Dining is enjoyable in Belgium. It's relaxed. It's un-hurried. It's what it should be always like. It's take your time and enjoy your food and your company. There is a pretty fabulous one called LaRiva that you should go to next time you happen to be in Antwerp.
• Cake time is 4:00 p.m.!!!
• Belgian waffles really do taste better in cafe's in Gent.
• Ice cream is a perfectly acceptable lunch.
• I have finally found a country who has the same profound appreciation for the finest food in all the world :: the fry. I won't say the "F" word, because as I know now, it was really the Belgians who created that wonderful treat. God bless them for it!
• The sun doesn't come up until after 8:00 a.m. and sets by 5:30 or so. That makes for lots of time to sleep.
• Did you know that there are Buckeye's in Brussels? I found one in the park. Of all things. I found a Buckeye. (Nut that is)
• Maybe what I observed most of all, and appreciate most of all is that some things are the same no matter what your geographical location: The struggle of the heart and how it affects all of us.

I think if I sat here long enough I could think of a million more reasons to fall in love with a place like Belgium. There is so much to love and to look at with awe and true wonderment. It leaves you wishing that you could ever have a life filled with so much culture and heritage and pride. It makes you see how wasteful American's are, how desensitized we are to just enjoying life because we always are in a hurry to get to whatever is next. How we have lost the ability to enjoy each other, and each other's company. It makes you long for something more...

And yet, there is a familiar ease in coming home. An ease to be back in your routine, and your way of life...A comfort in the faces of the people who are your friends, and the sky and the sun and world that make up your surroundings. Even still, I seem to be unable to unpack my luggage, as if that simple act will make the reality of being home...well, real.

I think now back to the beginning of my journey only ten days ago, how I felt at the moment I stepped off the plane. A stranger in a strangeland...an American Girl in a place that seemed so foreign. On her Belgian's soil. The same girl who when she left only seven days later, looked back as we drove away, away from a place that now seems so familiar.

What I have taken with me, what has been changed in me because of my few but blessed days on my Belgian's soil is that I will never forget now what it means to take time to enjoy. I feel renewed, and confident that I will go out more and make time to enjoy those friends around me. I will make myself enjoy the outside, even when it's cold. I will walk more places. I will speak to people instead of being cordial. I will slow down. I will drink good beer, definitely champagne, and I will always eat fries. I will dream of a time and a place when I was spoiled more than I deserved. I will remember what it is to live every moment.

I will think about the spirit and the smiles and the laughter of the people I met, how they never treated me as a stranger...and I will know...I will cherish...I will remember...

I am forever changed.

  

  

  

  

  

The Bitch Is Back

Had the most fantastic week in Belgium...I will fill all you eager people in as soon as I can come up for air...but let's just say I will have memories to last a lifetime, smiles to fill the sad days, and the blessing of friends, new and old, who make my journey the best ride anyone could ever hope for.

Much Needed Hiatus

Hi.

I'm travelling abroad right now. Well not right this second. But soon. I will be. Like in about 24-hours or something silly like that. So you must amuse yourselves and pull up a chair in about 9-days. I'm sure I'll have something to say. Pictures to be seen. Stories to be told. We'll see. Anywho! Off to the big B! Wish me luck that I make my flight. Wish me luck that my luggage arrives. Wish that next week will make up for the random/crazy/crappy week of this past one (aside from fun honor/trip)... More on that later. Cheers friends! Kisses!

Sing Me a Song of the Islands

It's sort of been a strange few weeks. But I'm totally digging 2007...I got selected to the elite circle at my place of employment today. Selected to join a chosen few who are recognized for their hard work and commitment to the company over the last year. It's a huge honor and reward - and my prize is a 4-day cruise around the Caribbean...Oh, did I mention its all expenses paid. For me. And a friend. I'm giggling. Tee hee...

And The Battle Rages On

Time to begin looking for a new job. Or maybe new career.

Somethings came to my attention this morning that have finally marked the place where I must begin to make a decision about the future of my career. Unfortunately, I don't want to leave my current surroundings - but may be forced to. Perhaps this is the time to make a decision about moving as well. Albeit much sooner in the year than I had hoped.

Anyone have any suggestions of:

1) What I should do with the rest of my life?

2) Where I should call home!


I work in a pink collared ghetto and the man is keepin' me down.

Beotche.

Somebody in Singapore Loves Me...

Yep.

I'm a true international woman of mystery.

Speaking of...I haven't officially said it, but, I'm going to Belgium a week from Sunday. I don't think I've really staked it's claim yet, or at least announced it here. But I am. And I am pretty excited. Scared. Nervous. Excited. Estatic. It's sort of like every emotion you could possibly have all rolled into one. See there's this boy and well, he's pretty fantastic, a great friend met by chance, and someone I'm not likely to ever forget. Anyway, I'm going. Even if it's crazy or illogical. Or totally outer limits. Sometimes this girl just has to go.

Wherever. The road. May. Lead.

It's also the first time I've been on a real "vacation" in over two years. I can't express how much I am looking forward to not being in Lexington, or Columbus for that matter...but someplace completely new to me - a world much different from my own. One that I'm sure to come back from only a week - with a lifetime of stories - and one in which I have no idea what it will mean in the end.

I've already seen how this year is about letting my course set it's own sail. And believing that the course is worth sailing. Funny thing is, I don't care where it may lead - or where it may not - it's just sort of about the journey I come to take along the way. It's the journey that inspires me - not the destination. For me, looking to the destination isn't something I can personally fixate on anymore - it's something I used to try to do - but something I no longer find worthwhile. I strive now only for the things I may come to learn, the places I'm blessed to go, and the people I'm lucky enough to share the road with. Maybe it's the peace I've been looking for all along...

Just being in the moment. Not trying to figure out the what happens after.

I believe that this year will be a turning point for me - and the person I am yet to become. There is something sweet in that. Knowing that I am continuing to grow, to strive, and learn. To me this journey is about not getting fixated on the ghosts of the pasts, the ghosts of the present, or the ghosts of the future - but just enjoying the realness of the moment. Perhaps that's why I'm going to Belgium, perhaps that's why I am scared and excited and don't care if it makes sense or not. But just because.

Because it makes sense to me.

Because there is a fabulous person at the end of the road who I feel comfort in just being next to. A friend to whom I'm forever grateful. A man who knows how to make me feel like a million bucks even from a seemingly insurmountable distance. He who is the most unlikely, but who has the most indescribable eyes I've ever seen. And he who is the most endearing person I've ever encountered.

An act of faith. Of hope? Of wonder.

A journey.


A journey which I'm prepared to take, and one that I take willingly.

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems

Got a raise.

Small. One.

But one that allows me to get off the welfare line for at least the next few months. Said promotion still lurking overhead, looking positive, but not official. Yet.

So...I've moved from the destitute to comfortable poor category. Yay me.



Brighter disContent, 8 days. And oh hell ya, I'm counting...

No. Really?

Yep, I Bought 'Em

Totally unlike me, but totally Carrie Bradshaw ala "Hello, Lover..."

Oh, Kate - I thought of you when I did it too...Here's my first official pair of fabulous black shoes for 2007. When you find a gem like these, how can the year go wrong!!!

I literally had 8 women stop me in the shoe store while trying them on telling me I must buy them. Best quote so far :: My mother. "I hope you don't stand on any street corners. I thought you said they were practical?" HA!

Not exactly practical, mother, but damn sassy.

We Now Go Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Blogging

So I've once again been down the long road of what the hell to post here lately. I'm not sure what my dealio is. Kind of in a funk lately. Hoping that my funk will soon be over since the holidays are officially over and real life can get back to just that. Hoping to move forward from the last blog and perhaps one of the most disturbing weeks of the past year.

Ah. Real life.

I could have posted something about the remains of the past year. In fact, I thought about it on Sunday. I also thought about it on New Year's Day. But, well...you were here. You know what happened. You know what didn't happen. You knew of the people. You knew of the places. You knew all there was to know about what was, and what wasn't in 2006.

I started this blog one year ago tomorrow. A lifetime of stories, memories, and happenings ago it seems. 2006 was better than 2005. But it wasn't great. It was, just as every new year is - a new place to start, a new beginning and a new hope (that maybe this year will be better than the last).

I can't wait for that year that I never want to let go of.

Maybe it'll be 2007.

• Perhaps I'll finally get that promotion, and raise. (Please...)
• Perhaps I'll travel more. And travel to better places. And learn more...and so help me God this Fall of a winter we're having better not decide to get trixie around January 21.
• Perhaps I'll just listen to my own intuition. You know. Really listen to what feels right. And go for it. Even if it means letting go.
• Perhaps this year, I'll finally buy a couple new tires for the Honda. Or maybe get her a tune up. She would like that.
• Perhaps this year, I'll go to church.
• Perhaps this year, I'll buy a dress I really love and that really looks great on me. From Paris.
• Maybe, I'll learn to forgive him. Maybe, I'll finally let the words he cursed me with wash away for good. Maybe I'll finally stop believing them.
• Maybe, I'll drink less or try to at least learn when to say when.
• Maybe, I'll keep certain expectations high and lower the trivial ones.
• Maybe, I'll cuss less. Or at least speak softer when I do. And not as much at work.
• This year, I will do something for myself that allows me to really live.
• This year, I will not settle in my career because its easy. I'll take the reigns.
• This year, I will decide for good whether or not to finally move to VA/DC/other.
• This year, I will not gossip. As. Much.
• This year, I will go to the gym and I will eat better. I will be okay with it when I don't.
• This year, I will spend more time with Slimy. And Joey.
• This year, I will go see SEDW & Daniel.
• This year, I will go see Vee.
• This year, I will take a girls trip.
• This year, I will have one great day like last Friday.
• This year, I will follow my heart. At least once. And I will follow it wherever it tells me to go.
• This year, I will believe in possiblility. I will try to stop being so negative.
• This year, I will stop wondering why he didn't choose me.
• This year, I will get a hobby. And maybe start volunteering again.
• This year, I will keep trying to be nicer to people. But I will confront them too, if necessary.
• This year, I will keep trying to be a better person than I was a year ago.

This year. This year. This year...The list of what I want to achieve is endless...

I. Will. Become. Everything. I've. Been. Striving. To. Become.

And I won't feel too bad if I don't...there's always next year.

So here's to me and here's to you - and most importantly, here's to a 2007 none of us want to let go of...

Let Me Just Break It Down For Ya

I've had what you would call, a doozy of a week. You know the kind that makes you think back to that great line in Steel Magnolias..."When it comes to sufferin', well she's right up there with Elizabeth Taylor." Cause seriously, when the ball drops - it drops hard. And it's not really worth going into all the details - but sometimes - man, you just need to acknowledge that ignorance really is bliss and sometimes noi matter how prepared you are for some news to be delivered, you really aren't ready no matter when the time comes. It goes a little something like this:

Let's just say, these dreams about people - living and deceased are beginning to sort of freak me out. Let's just call the intuition what it really is, okay? Let's just now call a spade a spade and say what it really is. The Shining. The Sixth Sense.

Yep, you've seen the movies. You know what happens.

Let's just say, that you never, no matter how much you think you do, want to know when Mr. Big meets Natasha.



Let's just say, that when your friend asks you, who her soontobebutnotquiteyetex-husband / (aka one of your best guy friends) is dating, (oh yeah, she also happens to be another friend), and the weird love triangle has grown now to a square, with you (wondering how the hell you got there)...Make sure you have something good to come up with as to who that said woman is, and oops, how she met the sonofabitch.

Oh wait, cause it was in a round about way sort of your doing...that's rriiiiiiiiiggghhhhttt.


Let's just say, that if you have to keep waiting on said promotional opportunity a.k.a. mo' money to come through you may turn one year older, have saggy(er) boobs, and require a heavy(er) dose of Prozac/Lithium/Crack/Nicotine/Alcohol.

Get real, silly people. You know I don't smoke the Crack. And I haven't actually had any Prozac or Lithium. But I am thinking they might be a nice diversion?


Let's just say, that if you have to pause when you hear the words in that song "So this is Christmas" and wonder "so this really is?" for more than 15-seconds, then you probably aren't in the HoHoHo spirit if you know what I mean. Especially when shopping only makes your Grinch like behavior worse.

As if the God awful traffic isn't bad enough in this town already, why don't you just take your ass away from the mall with your unruly kids, pack them up, and put them on Ritalin. Pronto. May I suggest shopping online next year!? Ya, thanks.



But let me also say, that there is something luminous and radiant on the horizon. Something that will take me far away from LexVegas and someone to look forward to seeing at the end of the road...

A brighter discontent...

Repurposed

Prologue
1. Where was your profile pic taken? At Charlie Browns last October. Was having a good ole time with my girls Vee, Julia & NB-C.
2.What exactly are you wearing right now? A horrible ensemble of jeans, a white t-shirt, company logoed windshirt & tennis shoes. And my hair is horrible today.
3. What is your current problem? Being hungover from Saturday, still. Missing someone, a lot. Having to finish my Christmas shopping and having no clue about the last gifts to get.
4.What makes you most happy? Being with my friends, my family. Getting flowers. Snuggling with My Girl. A good song or mixed cd. Traveling.
5. What’s the name of the song that you're listening to? Say Hello, Wave Goodbye by David Gray.
6.Has anyone you've been really close with passed away? My Grandmother and My Grandpa Johnny.
7.Do you ever watch MTV? A little too often, being 30 and all.
8. What’s something that really annoys you? Driving in Lexington. Being too hot or too cold. Chewing with your mouth open. The mall at Christmas. Crowds.

Chapter 1:
1.Middle name: Anne
2.Nickname(s): Nat, Natty, Natasha, Nat X, Nisatisalisie
3.Current place? My desk.
4.Eye color: Blue

Chapter 2:
1. Do you live with your parents? Just my dog. And sometimes raccoons. Or mice.
2. Do you get along with your parent(s)?Mostly, yes.
3.Do you have any siblings?1 fabulous sister.

Chapter 3: Favorite...
1. Ice Cream: Strawberry!!!
2. Season: Fall


Chapter 4: Do You..
1. Write on your hand? Not as a standard practice.
2. Call people back: Always. Well, except yesterday. So, 99% of the time.
3. Believe in love: Depends on when you ask me.
4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed? Just right in the middle. Except when Abby sleeps in the bed with me. Then she makes me sleep on the left. LOL. I'm serious ya'll.
5. Have any bad habits? Eating. Smoking. Drinking. Falling for completely unattainable men. That's pretty much it.
6. Any mental health issues: I'm a little neurotic sometimes, but it has not been diagnosed.

Chapter 5: Have You....
1.Broken a bone? Once, my wrist.
2. Bought new stuff in the last two weeks? Bought some new lip gloss, and mascara. Woo hoo!
3. Had physical therapy? No.
4. Gotten stitches: Yes, in my thumb.
5.Taken painkillers? Love 'em! Ha.
6.Gone SCUBA diving or snorkeling: Nope.
7. Been stung by a bee? I think probably?
8. Thrown up at the dentist: Notta once. Well, as I rethink that, kinda after I had my wisdom teeth out.
9. Ever sworn in front of your parent? Frequently.
10. Had detention: Yes a couple times.
11. Been sent to the principal's office: Probably.
12. Been suspended: Yes, junior year in high school. That was bogus.

Chapter 6:Who/What was the last...
1.Movie(s) you watched? In the theater - Shut Up & Sing. On DVD - Gone with the Wind.
2. Person to text you: MLH.
3. Person you called?: NB-C.
4.Person you hugged: MLH.
5. Last person you talked to? Vee.
6. Thing you touched: My mouse.
7. Thing you ate: A mint to cure my garlic breath. It's wicked...
8. Thing you drank: Water.
9. Time you cried: Last week after dreaming about my grandmother.
10. Wished on a star: Well you know, I do have my own and all...

And Just Then, It Hits You

There was a fabulous ending to one of my favorite shows - Nip/Tuck - last night, and I discovered this new and wonderful song "Brighter Discontent." I fell in love with it immediately, perhaps because it seems to most elloquently describe me, or my life, or pending state of mind over the last 14-months. Read the words below or click HERE to listen.

Brighter Discontent :: The Submarines


Got a brand new roof above my head
All the empty boxes thrown away
I rearranged the place
A hundred times today
But the ordering of objects
Couldn't hide what's missing

All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be home again
All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be alone again

Got myself a bottle of red wine
Got a night of nothing else to do
I think I might know
What I really want
But is a brighter discontent
The best that I could hope to find?

Got a big black television set
Now I can watch just what I want
But I'm here staring up
At pictures on the wall
And where are you,
You're still stuck inside them all

All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be home again
All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be alone again

But love is not these belongings
That surround me
Though there's meaning
In the memories they hold
A breaking heart in an empty apartment
Was the loudest sound I never heard

Got a desk I'll write myself a note
Pretending that it came from you
On hotel stationary
From the time we first met
Whatever I can do causeI won't throw my hands up yet

All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be home again
All these things should make me happy
Make me happy to be alone again

But love is not these belongings
That surround you
Though there's meaning
In the memories they hold
A breaking heart in an empty apartment
Was the loudest sound I never heard

Well I'll be find ifI dont look around me now
Too much for what's gone
If only I can wait here just a little while
And let time pass in my room

On One Month Without Her

My grandmother died a month ago today.

It's amazing how fast the time goes by anymore. How it's even possible to have said goodbye in the first place, let alone our final farewell four weeks ago. I mentioned in my eulogy to her (posted here) that our great bond was a love for our family - that bond that she instilled in me at a very early age. As I've reflected over the last four weeks on the life I had with her, I have spent countless hours looking at her pictures, remembering her voice, the sound of her laughter, the way she said "I love you, Natalie." I've thought about how she passed that love on to me - the love for her children, and for their children. How she gave me so much that never needed to be spoken. And as I drew pause, I remembered the legacy she left to me, so many years ago. Something she wrote in my baby book, and that I would sometimes read when I was missing home over the last few years. Something I'd read when I needed to feel whole, or real, or a part of something bigger. I don't believe it's been read by anyone other than me in almost as many years...but it's the one thing I treasure most in this world. These words that follow - a foundation for my whole life to come...Written by this most amazing woman I so proudly called, grandmother.



March 1, 1977…note from your grandmother…written during the period of time you and your mother and father are living at our house – 4221 Evansdale Road…Columbus, Ohio…

My dear little Natalie,

You are the first grandchild born into our family. Your grandfather and I have been with you since you came home from the hospital except for the week you returned to Nashville, Tennessee. You are now three months old as of the sixth of this month, and it didn’t take three months for us to love you very much and not surprisingly so, for I look forward to my family growing and there is much love in my heart for all.

You are a lucky little girl for my own children love you, too, and pay much attention to you. At this time your uncle Mark is a student in electrical engineering at Ohio State. Aunt Kris is a student in business administration at Miami U., and aunt Kathleen is a junior at "W" High School. Your grandfather is a pharmacist and has a couple of drug stores, a hardware store, and a carry out where you can go when you’re bigger to fix your own sundaes from his ice cream fountain. This is my ninth year as a fourth grade teacher at "G" Elementary School. I love what I do because being with children makes me very happy.

I think about you often even when I’m not with you, and you are one of my favorite topics of conversation with anyone who will listen. Your grandfather and I talk about all the things we want to do with you as you are growing up. I can promise you this – I’ll love you as a “pup” and will continue to do so when you’re full grown!

When I look at you I think you are beautiful. When I watch your reactions to your surroundings I think you’re very, very bright. When you smile at me I’m sure this is what life is all about for my own children gave me the same kind of pleasure.

Wherever you go, whatever you do, remember – this home will always be for you, too, as well as the rest of my children and their “future families.” With the “ups” and “downs” of family life, I want all of us to stay close and do for one another, for Natalie, your whole family will always be your best friends. May your life be filled with the love of a family for then you will know love and security which will help you give to your own something of yourself that will last forever.

The world is big, interesting and will show you beauty and challenges. How you live your life will be influenced by the love and closeness you feel towards your family. I will always be there when you need me and I plan to enjoy you as much as I enjoyed my own children. You are just one more piece of life’s wonderment – a child to know and love!

Your grandmother,
Mary

I Am So Lucky

I posted a few months ago about being content, and that contentness factor has somehow creeped back up on me. I don't remember a time that I ever felt so at peace as I have over the last six weeks or so. Perhaps it's the birthday celebration, perhaps it's the friends - new & old. Perhaps it's being comfortable in my own skin. I'm not quite sure what it is, but it's this overwhelming calm that I feel is enveloping me.

I know, yawn, I seriously need some new material.

Someone asked me yesterday how I felt about turning 30. And the truth is - I feel great about it. Hell, I don't really think my twenties were that great so there has to be a lot more in store for the next decade, right? :) But seriously, how better a way to start the next ten years than the way I have been able to ring them in. Side by side with my family, together with my friends, celebrated by my colleagues, and surprised by the one person who, no matter how far away, knows how to make me smile, and feel special.

Each of you, you know who you are, made yesterday a very special day that I will carry with me forever.


PS: Oh ya, almost forgot. If you ever find yourself needing to wish upon a star, go ahead...wish on mine. Yep, I have a whole star named for me now. Don't be jealous. I own a big fireball somewhere in a galaxy far far away. Probably too far and too hot for a vacay, but I am kind of like the ruler of the planet so that would be a perk.

Odd.

It's The Final Countdown

Da da da da, da da da da daaaa. Go ahead and sing it with me all you Europe (you remember the 80's big hair band) loving people...


T-minus 9-hours and counting till I'm the big 3-0. I was born at 4:44 p.m., so technically, I still have 23-hours left in my youth. Aw, sweet youth.

BIG HUGE FUN this weekend in C-bus with the gang. I'm so fortunate to have been able to celebrate with my bestest pals, as well as my family. Here's a quick recap for those who missed it:

Turning 30 can be a little like being a beauty queen:



You can do shots of Jaeger with your cousin Andrew:



Spend time with the one person in this world (outside of your family) who has known you the longest (ever since your banana clip/oops and then the hair was gone day/stalked NKOTB with you/shared every experience from 7th-12th grade with you and still loves you and who you still love to this day):



You get to spend time with the people who make you hap-hap-happy and who are the bestest friends ever:


(end of the night, all a little worse for wear, sorry Jules - you had gone to bed)

You get to party like the rockstar you are with your awesome aunt PZ and her fabulously awesome daughter, your cousin who, if you had to take a bet, is the most like you cousin you have...even at 16. Oh, and you get said cousin and her younger brother into a bar just cause it's your birthday:





Oh, and don't forget - you see your mom who, never drinks, drink an Long Island Ice Tea. Even if it's just one...you're still able to capture it on film, to remember it for all time. And you can find humor in the fact that she took pictures from all of your years and made them into popsicle stick head things (even the ones with your worst hair cuts - 6th grade, ewwwww) :



And even getting to have old friends who live in said hometown make apperances to fabulous birthday celebration in fancy ball gowns, and who have just hob-knobbed with great Ohio State football legends like Eddie George earlier in the evening:



I had a blast this weekend - thanks to all of you for making my thirtieth such a fabulous age to be turning!

I LOVE YA!

A Pretty Good Year

After a rousing, five hour conversation last night with Vee, I came to the conclusion - without much effort - that this has been, all in all, a pretty good year. And yes, I said five hours.

It's not that this year hasn't given me a few good licks. Cause it has. I lost my grandmother. I lost my former mother in law (ok, so that was on my birthday last year, but I will still count it). I got into an accident that almost sent me to the nut house. I had a lot of heartache and shed a lot of tears over one boy. I almost lost my best guy friend from a hideous case of stalking-like behavior. I went to credit counseling and gave up the thing I loved most...spending money.

But that's it. And as I sit here and write, and rack my brain about what else was bad about 2006, I can't come up with much, if anything, more. I have to say, that's not that bad. But the thing I will look back on about 2006 and my 29th year is that I have learned who I am, and I have become ME again. So many things that have been learned along the way...

I finally took my life back and put it firmly in my own hands. I made an effort to start understanding who I am. I finally got control of my spending and took a step to do something about it. I finally was able to realize that I like being single. A lot. I like that I have routines that I never thought I had. I like going to the gym. I liked that I quit smoking until a month ago (and yes, I did start it back and yes, I hate it , kind of, and yes it is just as bad as the crack ). I like having to rely on no one but myself, even at those times, like my grandmothers death. (Although, I do love a good supportive text message that says exactly what you need to hear at the perfect moment). I still hate doing laundry. I'm really a very bad drunk and should just give up the alcohol. I say dumb things sometimes. I am lazy. I am still dependent on my parents to bail me out of financial situations. I still love the way Jean Paul Gautier cologne smells on devastatingly handsome Belgians. I am finally grasping the concept of how important it is not to settle. Or how to cherish losing someone, because it means you were lucky enough to have them. I realized that I am a dreamer, not a do-er. I finally remembered how much I really enjoy the romance and the words and the poems and the songs. I came to understand the concept of moving forward and why it is so important to take a chance, to cross the line, and to go after what it is you want. I started to understand that I have a lot of resentment in me. And hurt. I began to write again - in this blog - and emptied my head instead of keeping it all in. I spent some of my most favorite times with my grandmother, and I held her hand as she died. I still made a lot of mistakes and did, said, and acted in ways I'm not proud of. I worked harder than I ever worked before. I got to see two of my best friends as a mother. I started listening to what my dreams were telling me, and who was coming to me in them. I allowed myself to cry again, to feel human again. I tried to make amends and close doors. I held on a little longer, and a little tighter than I should have. And I let go...

It's been a wild ride this 29th year of mine. I am looking forward to the new year ahead and I already have this overwhelming peace that I will continue to be blessed - even when the road is bumpy or when the goodbye's seem too much to bear. For all the ups and downs, I wouldn't change a thing. Fact is, I'm starting to like this person I'm becoming - or maybe who I've always been. I'm just starting to get comfortable with the ghosts of the past and the possibility of my future.

And I am happy.

A Time For Giving Thanks

Even with all the ups and downs the last couple of years have afforded me, I still have so much to be thankful for. I wanted to take this time, as we get ready to celebrate Thanksgiving, to say outloud all the things I am thankful for today.

• For my dad aka "Dakota" aka "Switzerland." For the love in his eyes and the span of his arms when he hugs me. And for his phone calls, always on the times when I know he knows I need them most.
• For my mom. For our similarities and the ups and downs that come with our likeness. For all the good she does and for her selflessness. For her loudness so I am always sure to know just where I came from.
• For my sister. For her strength. For her compassion for everyone she knows. For her uniqueness and for everything she has taught me.
• For NB-C & Vee. For everyday. For every conversation. For being my sisters and my family. For believing in me and bringing me back down from the clouds.
• For SEDW & Julia. For you who my life is just better because of. For who we have become since that first day of our meeting. For all of the laughter and tears along the way.
• For my Girl. For the way she snuggles me lately and fills my heart. For her love of squirrels and fondness for roadtrips. For always being happy to see me.
• For my job. For giving me a paycheck while doing something I still enjoy doing after five years. For the friends I've made along the way.
• For my independence. The thing I am everyday most thankful for. Something I always said I was, but never allowed myself to be. For being it every single day for the last thirteen months.
• For my Friend. For making me believe, in something - everything, again. For the last few minutes we had together. For seeing me like I know me.
• For my grandparents (those still here and those who said goodbye). For everything you ever showed me, taught me, shared with me, for my history and for my future.
• For my aunts and uncles and cousins. For my fantastic family who all give me something that makes me, me.
• For my ability to take a chance.
• For being a good person.
• For this blog and what it has meant to me to be able to write it down to get all this non-sense out of my head.
• For being a good friend.
• For Daniel.
• For Joey.
• For love. For hope. For faith.
• For fun weekends with a new group of people...that make you laugh, hard.
• For those Ohio State Buckeyes beating the school we do not name.
• For our time at GC.
• For Gap Long & Leans.
• For quarterly bonus checks.
• For twenty-nine pretty fantastic years.
• For asparagus, waffles, fries, and chocolate...and where they make them best. ;)
• For the way a song makes you feel.
• For dreams. And those who come to you in them.
• For laughter.
• For laughter.
• For laughter.
• For moving forward and letting go.
• For all those darn Pisces. And what they've taught me.
• For beliving in my own reality.
• For tears and the way they make you feel human.
• For crossing the line.
• For losing.

And for everything and everyone, still to come.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Proud to be a BUCKEYE

Well it's officially that time of year for us Buckeye fans. Time for the big game and a whole lot of nail biting, and nerves until the last second has ticked away off the clock...This year it's more than just the game we wait all season for - this year it's a day of reckoning.

Living in the big LexVegas isn't exactly a prime location for this game. Cause see, no one here really gives a damn why we love Woody Hayes, or why when someone says "O-H" we spontaneously reply "I-O." No one understands why we intrinsically are born to loathe that school "up North." Or how we can devote entire restaurant experiences around a college team. Ah, yes. We are Buckeyes and we love our Ohio State football. It doesn't matter if you went to OSU or not...it just is like a right of passage. You are born. You love Ohio State. You are fortunate to have ever lived in Columbus, you are a fan for life. It's in the tradition of game day, the celebration in every victory or the heart break in the RARE defeat (God, I hope I didn't just jinx us). Not to mention the highly circulated emails about how much we despise the school that must not be name, you know...like the 3-year old in his OSU shirt, face painted with the big "O" giving the bird to a supposed rival team fan in the crowd - and how we think that's so precious. There's something to be said about the love of our Buckeye football when the state puts off the final tally of a highly contested election until "after the big game." It's all about your priorities, you know. Or the way you throw your keys on the floor when 24-hours before said big game you come back from lunch and someone says "OH MY GOD, DID YOU HEAR!!!! BO SCHEMBECKLER DIED!!!"

Ah yes. The big game. Numero Uno and that aborhing number 2. Perhaps the biggest game of the NCAA season just a matter of hours away...and my stomach is in knots...my palms are a sweatin' and that team's former beloved coach has just kicked the bucket, giving them more motivation than just about anything.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Well, I'm hoping that a darn fine season, an 11-0 record, a possible Heisman trophy winner, and not to mention the fact that the game is in the "Shoe" (where the fans are as committed to the win as the players themselves) is enough to give us that last "W" and a spot in the BCS Championship Game.

And because it's tradition in that hometown of mine, in honor of Scarlet & Grey day, I've of course got on my OSU Championship sweatshirt from a few years ago, my Go Bucks lucky bracelet, my Buckeye earings, and a pair of red undies on just in case...


You never can be too sure what will clench it for them.



GO BUCKS!

Full Of Useless Information

Do you realize, dear readers, I am now a mere 19 days from the b i g birthday? Crap. I can't believe it's really going to happen.


My Girl has been doing weird things with her animal babies lately. She's been lining them up by her food. Maybe she's trying to spell letters and at the end of the week she will complete a whole word. Maybe she's hoping the raccoon will come back because it's in the same spot he came in at. Maybe she sending out an SOS. "Send Me Back to Grandma's."

She's pretty smart when she wants to be. Ok, she's not. But she's cute.

In other events, I'm not sure how but I keep getting emails from The Biggest Loser Club. You know, that show about the people who lose like their entire fatness in the span of a TV season? Well, somehow they've found me and keep sending me emails. There isn't really anything I can say when the little box for my hotmail pops up "You've Received Mail from The Biggest Loser Club." That doesn't exactly make one feel great. Not only are you a fat ass, but you're a loser too. All in one fell swoop. Neat. Thanks for the reminder.

One of the funniest things from last week came from my cousin KT. She delivered the other half of my grandmother's eulogy - and it was filled with lots of facts about our Mary. This is one of my favorite facts that pretty much solidifies how awesome our Mary was:

-Her political insights: and I quote, “Condaleeza, Condaleeza, Condaleeza—Rice….I hate her.”

My stomach is a mess. It's the big game this weekend. My beloved Buckeyes and that school we must not name. Seriously, it doesn't get anymore nerve racking than this.

That's about all I've got.

In Memoriam

Mary Irene

October 29, 1930 - November 8, 2006

My grandmother, and my good friend died last Wednesday. I was able to pay tribute to her by delivering part of her eulogy at her funeral on Saturday. In order for me to pay tribute to her to the rest of the world, I have posted the eulogy below...To Vee, NB-C, SEDW, Julia, and He :: thank you for your love and support and your words, know that I appreciated it very much ...

Good morning, my name is Natalie and I am proud to have otherwise been known as Mary’s granddaughter.

My grandmother was something to everyone sitting here today. Her true zest for life was undeniable, and infectious. To some she was a friend, to others a teacher. To us, she was a mother, and a grandmother. And maybe what she was best of all - she was a wife.

We come here together today to say goodbye. But this is not a sad day. No, let us not be mistaken for today is a cause for celebration in the life of a woman who became so much to all who had the pleasure to know – and love her.

I wonder if it were possible to measure the success of someone’s life at the occasion of their death. Would you measure it by what they had accomplished? By their devotion to their family? Would you measure it in the number of tears that had been shed, or the sound of laughter along the way? Or would you measure it in the memories – and the countless stories retold from the people who loved them.

The true success of our Mary, was found in all of that.

Our Mary knew us all beyond what we could even ourselves sometimes see.

I don’t think for my whole life or for my life to come that there was ever a better judge of character. She was someone who knew you before you knew yourself – and loved you all the while. And if your name didn’t fit, she would give you a good strong nickname. The strongest of those:

Christopher Robin. Brown Thing. Markus Aurelius. Ta Ta Tee Ta.

Our Mary believed in us and was proud of us, every single day.

There wasn’t a time I spent with her when she wouldn’t tell of an accomplishment of one of her grandchildren – each time I would visit she would tell me about one of my cousins and what they had been doing. She would smile and she would boast about these wonderful grandkids of hers – rightfully so. May you be sure that you always know how proud of you she was. And when she wasn’t there with you, she was always there in spirit.

Our Mary was every day, a teacher.

She believed in her students, whether in the classroom or at the dining room table. She understood how to make you understand or how to make you love to learn. How to never be afraid to try or how to give a clever name to an art project gone ary. She was especially gifted at how to bring people out of their shell and make them soar. Yes, she was a teacher of the highest caliber.

She was a wife who loved her husband beyond the boundaries of the earth and sky. A wife who lifted her husband up when he needed lifting. The mother of four children I happen to think are pretty great. A true partner.

A best friend for 56-years.

And in so many ways she was so much more – she was a storyteller, a prankster, a healer, an artist, a shopper, a believer, a coach, a student, an intuitionist, a singer, a name giver, a fashionista, and boy was she classy.

To me, my grandmother was everything and everyone I hope to one day be. She was everything that was good and right. She just got me. She fulfilled every promise she ever made to me. Loved me like she pledged to love me. Lifted me up higher than I deserved to be lifted. My grandmother believed in me, always.

And at a very early age she passed something on to me that I like to think of as our great bond...A true love for THIS family. A gift for which I am eternally grateful. It’s the tie that binds…

My grandmother was my heart. I am sure of it, for I am quite sure of the way it has broken.

She was our hearts.

And so it goes … Twenty nine years, eleven months, and two days I had with her. What we share now is a common thread all the stronger - the memories we have of our Mary. Memories that remind us of the life she gave us…that life of the most extraordinary kind…

A life filled with lots of love and a bounty full of laughter...

In closing, I’d like to read a poem that I believe may just give us pause as we remember our wife, our mother, our grandmother, our teacher, and our friend:

To Mary - John Clare ::

I sleep with thee, and wake with thee, And yet thou art not there; I fill my arms with thoughts of thee, And press the common air. Thy eyes are gazing upon mine, When thou art out of sight; My lips are always touching thine, At morning, noon, and night.

I think and speak of other things, To keep my mind at rest: But still to thee my memory clings, Like love in woman's breast. I hide it from the world's wide eye, And think and speak contrary; But soft the wind comes from the sky, And whispers tales of Mary.

The night wind whispers in my ear, The moons shines in my face; A burden still of chilling fear I find in every place. The breeze is whispering in the bush, And the dews fall from the tree, All sighing on, and will not hush, Some pleasant tales of thee.

Keep singing Gumball.

The Last Seven Days

I'm a little at a loss for new material lately. Can you tell?

Just a little update....

It's been an interesting week, to say the least. Sometimes when you just let things go, a windfall of good fortune miraculously bestows itself upon you. For the first time in many months, that good fortune seems to have blown my way. Here's the 30,000 foot overview:

I've looked and the Magic 8-ball job forecast has gone from "outlook not so good" to suddenly full of potential. In a nutshell, looks like the promotion I've been hoping for is going to come through for me. It's going to allow me to focus specifically on my specialty, give me more visibility within the company, and even provide the opportunity to travel internationally. Oh, and of course it should provide me with a much needed raise. I'm hoping the red tape will be cut in the next 6 weeks...say a little prayer for me that it goes as scheduled! But it's also nice to be surprised - and it makes me feel good to be considered for positions at other great companies - that although the time may not be right, that there is something else out there someone thinks I'd be fantastic for.

I've opened myself up to moving forward. It seems that a number of factors all seemed to have perfectly aligned themselves so that when the door opened...for the first time in quite awhile, I walked through it instead of hesitating or holding on. That feels good.

I've learned nothing is ever as it seems. That people who hold your heart in their hands often don't realize how fragile it is, how much it hurts when they break it, or how hard it can be to let go. By learning that, I think I'll be more careful next time and also more considerate in the future. Sometimes the hardest thing to be is honest in the way you truly feel. Moreover, that old saying really is true. Honesty is always the best policy.

I've experienced something wonderfully complicated. I found it in He. He the least likely. He whose words touch me in places long forgotten. Whose smile melts my heart. He whose grief makes me want to comfort. Whose eyes make me see something unspoken. He who makes me dream and makes me believe in romance and friendship, and chance. Whose heart makes me believe. And He, who believes in me, too. He and I who are Lost. Yet somehow Found. It is wonderfully complicated.

It has been an interesting week...one I think that will be with me for a long time to come. I think the negative energy may have cleared and the windfall is the result of letting it go. Moving forward and letting go.

Something I should do more often.